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What is "Ask Skippy?"

Whatever you want it to be.

Ask a question, and Skippy will answer it on this page.

Questions can range from "What should I wear tomorrow?" to "Why are my feet so hideously large?" to "What happens when I pour bleach into a can of paint thinner?" to "Where should my next piercing be?" to "What is Skippy's favorite color" to "How many questions can I ask?" to "Why are there so many questions?" to "Why do I always ask the same question?" to "Why do I always ask the same question?" to "I have a stuttering problem, Skippy, can you help?" to "Have you ever collected pieces of dust into a ball and glues it all together?" to "Isn't honey just bee barf?" to "Is it true that John has never eaten a salad in his lifetime?" to "Why can't I just be original and think up my own ideas?"

Got it?  You can ask ANYTHING and Skippy will GUARANTEE* an Answer!

So click here or here or even here to ask YOUR question! 

Check the Archives for previous questions and answers!:  Archive1    Archive2   Archive3   Archive4   Archive5  Archive6   Archive7   Archive8   Archive9   Archive10

Check back often!

Questions  (Solid Gold.  Okay, steel.  Tin?  Crackers?)


QUESTION:    what is the exact date that i will die on?  (vkb)      

ANSWER:    I never claim to see the future, but I have a good feeling that it's gonna be you and Joan Rivers in a coffee shop in the fall of 2014.  That's one horrible date.


QUESTION:    Do you have something against Full House? (LilGuinn11)

ANSWER:    Let's just put it this way: if you built a spaceship that relied on talented actors for fuel and filled it with the cast of Full House, you could expect a 99% chance of horrific explosion just after take-off.


QUESTION:    hey, i looked all over the web, n couldnt find a recipe for cheetos, do u know how to make them?  (Carl Bruce)

ANSWER:    Sure, it's easy.  You'll want to mix equal parts of the following:  ostrich eggs, foam packing peanuts, ferret teeth, isopropyl rubbing alcohol, and Pez.  Heat by wrapping the mixture in sturdy foil and placing it on top of a car engine for 9-10 days.  Enjoy!


QUESTION:    does Vahag Ghazarian truly love me and wanna spend the rest of his life with me?  (DeViOuSsaNg3L)

ANSWER:    Vahag Ghazarian truly loves nothing.  In fact, his hatred stems from a recent trip to Wheel of Fortune, where an unlucky spin cost him nearly $14,000 just to buy back all of the A's in his name.


QUESTION:    why is the world so pretty, but everyone in it so sad and alone?  (Helen McClory)

ANSWER:    Don't blame me, blame your parents.  They're the ones that locked you up in that abandoned Crayola factory.


QUESTION:    Do you believe that Mcdonalds really loves to see us smile?-Cole

ANSWER:    Yes, I do.  What they love even more is when they can't see us smile due to tremedous obesity which causes our stomach to protrude grotesquely above our faces.  You want fries with that?


QUESTION:    am i going to get a boyfriend anytime soon?  (Katie Bodin)

ANSWER:    It depends.  How are the traps coming? 


QUESTION:    How come your answers aren't as funny as they used to be?  (Amish Patel)

ANSWER:    Hey, everybody's entitled to their own opinion.  And why are you reading this anyway?  Doesn't your community shun electricity?  Aren't there horses you should be sleeping next to?


QUESTION:   can turtles eat marshmallows?  (Marian Shrader)

ANSWER:    They certainly can.  The problem lies in the fact that they can't digest them.  You know how birds explode when you feed them antacid tablets?  Picture the same effect, only with lots of pointy turtle shell shards.


QUESTION:    Whould you be willing to make me vice president when you run for president in the not so distant future?  (Adam Davies)

ANSWER:    How do you feel about taking a bullet for me?  I'm not talking about an assassination attempt, I just like to watch underlings eat various kinds of ammunition for my amusement.


QUESTION:    how do i get play-doh out of carpet?  (Dan Smith)

ANSWER:    The same way you got it in there:  monkey daycare.


QUESTION:    skippy, why do i always choke on popcorn?  (David Holmes)

ANSWER:    Because you always forget to take it off the garland strand first.  If you're going to continue eating Christmas decorations, you're going to have to learn to break them up into manageable pieces first.


QUESTION:    Racecar spelled backwards is Racecar. Coincedence???  (Tom/Annemarie/Krista/Steve)

ANSWER:    It's probably a trick brought about by that new gang of backwards talkers in upstate Michigan.  Maybe that explains why I keep getting all these letters addressed to "taHssA".


QUESTION:    I've found while praying I'm usually just talking to myself. Am I God?  (BarbaraW4753)

ANSWER:    Yes, your Holiness.  I beseech you, please grant my request for talking, murderous quesadilla robot henchmen.  I have too many enemies and not enough time to smite them all by myself.


QUESTION:    Skippy, I am going to be a pro wrestler in the WWE when I grow up, right? I mean, even you can see that, and you do not even know me!  (Erica)

ANSWER:    If you want your dream to come true, you're gonna have to start today.  So start buying as many chicken wings as you can afford (or any other type of winged meat) and begin receiving your many tattoos.  Only then can you become Bloat-o-saur, the fiercest female obese dragon-shaped wrestler that ever lived.


QUESTION:    Hey Skippy, I just wanted to know what color water is. Is it blue or is it clear?  (Katherine)

ANSWER:    Stop your games.  It's obviously red.  And no, I'm not going to pay you for feeding my fish while I was gone.


QUESTION:    Do you think if I dropped a spider in uranium and let it bite me, I'd become SpiderWoman?  (Nicole)

ANSWER:    Yes.  Although you wouldn't have any super powers.  Unless, of course, being bedridden and on a ventilator in your local trauma center counts as a super power.


QUESTION:    Why have I started printing out all of the questions and answers on this page so I can take them into the bathroom with me while I crap at work?  (bootsy)

ANSWER:    Geez.  I can take a hint.  I know I'm not funny sometimes, but do you really have to wipe your ass with my answers?  Next time try the new "Hints from Heloise" brand toilet paper.  It gives you great recipes and is far softer for your gentle areas.


QUESTION:    if you were a bug what would you be doing?  (bob drake)

ANSWER:    I'd probably be gorging myself on chocolate and beer.  It's not like bugs worry much about their diet, seeing as they only live a week or so.  And when I die, I'd try to find my way into a box of cereal.  People love to find dead bugs in their cereal.  So far be it from me to be the exception.


QUESTION:    what is a good ghetto name for William?  (Sheltska)

ANSWER:    M.C. BleedsALot, the rapper that never knows not to start a fight when he's outnumbered.

QUESTION:     Why is longitude important to earth science? (Sabrina Sussman)

ANSWER:   It makes a difference for Mother Nature when she’s having a little storm activity South of the Equator, if you catch my drift.


QUESTION:     How did the dinosaurs die? (Nuchea)

ANSWER:   Like this:  “ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!  Roaaaaaar.  Ro…oo….oar.”  Then all of the giant ants moved in to divvy up all the tasty pieces.


QUESTION:     If I were to market an adult size "Sit'N'Spin", would you want one? (Anna )

ANSWER:   Nah, I’ll have to pass on that one as I’ve already invented my own.  It involves a lot of heavy drinking, a Ford Festiva, and a snow-covered parking lot.  Your version probably comes without the multiple layers of dried vomit, though.


QUESTION:     What happens if i put one end of a straw in the other end and push forever? (respondtome)

ANSWER:   You’d become a bitter, unhappy person, with brittle little finger nubs and stress-bleached hair, ruing the day you ever came up with such an all-consuming challenge to devote your life to.  Then you would die alone in a small one-room apartment, leaving nothing but the stench of death and rotting zucchini for the landlord and his police escorts as they broke down your door to demand why the screaming had finally stopped.


QUESTION:     skippy, am i giving you the best of my love? (EmmiSara)

ANSWER:   Oo-ah-woah-o, are you for real?  Seriously, I hope so, because I’ve been selling diluted solutions of your love on the black market since Thursday, and my regulars are going to come after be with a baseball bat if they find out about it not being the high-grade stuff.


QUESTION:     Do you know where I can find a good copy of the book "J. Arthur Sullivan's Latin Grammar"? One that has a cover? If not, can you help me make up more names of other nonexistant Latin books so I can argue with the judges at this year's national Latin convention? Semper ubi sub ubi? I dunno... (sesquipedalian)

ANSWER:   I’m not sure where to find it, but I’d be happy to help with the second part.  How about “Remedial Tinla for Dsylecsics” or “A Beginners Guide to Cursing The Dead Language You’re Being Forced To Learn: Latin Edition.”  And one can’t forget “How to Fake Your Way Through Medical School by Memorizing a Lot Of Names for Bones and Stuff.”


QUESTION:     what exactly is a environmental assistance center? (christy crafton)

ANSWER:   It’s like a bar for tropical storms that feel sad about themselves.  Ever see that show “Cheers?”


QUESTION:     Why does Geocities have so many advertisements for the "Nicole Kidman photo gallery?" I mean, come on, who in their right mind wants to look at pics of Nicole Kidman? (sesquipedalian)

ANSWER:   I don’t know.  Especially confusing are the ones that advertise her as being nude or naked, with phrases like “See Nicole Kidman Naked” or “Nicole Kidman: Nude Shopping at Walmart.”  It’s almost like people write that sort of thing just to trick search engines or something.


QUESTION:     what are the lyrics to "i wish i was a baller" by skeelo i think (Tayles302)

ANSWER:   That would be “I Wish” by Skeelo.  Don’t tempt me, as I know the entire song by heart.  I wish it was a Friday cuz that is my day and you could even speed on the highway.  I would play ghetto games, name my kids ghetto names: Little Mookie, Big Alorane.


QUESTION:     Was it Mrs. White, with the rope, in the library? (Maddie)

ANSWER:   Where is my mother?  Where are you keeping her?  Is she all right?  Why do you keep answering my letters with questions from a board game?  And who would allow themselves to leave the house with a name like “Professor Plum,” anyway?


QUESTION:     Hey, Skippy.  I'm getting my wisdom teeth out soon. Any advice? (Maddie)

ANSWER:   Yes, I suggest you start by getting one of these handy pamphlets, as mailed in to John about three years ago by a random fan of the site.  John wants me to mention that he encourages similar mail.


QUESTION:     When I typed in serial killers in my search engine ( I was doing a term paper on the subject) your website came up.  Just wondering why, maybe you can fill me in (Laura H)

ANSWER:   Sorry, that page wasn't meant to be posted to the web. I also apologize for my treatise on midgets, my list of 100 uses for a deep backyard pit, and my recipe for unstoppable corn monsters.


QUESTION:     If you're smaller than the anaconda, it  considers you food. If you're larger than the anaconda, it considers you a lot  of food. But what does the anaconda consider you if you're the exact same size  as the anaconda? (Joel Garrett)

ANSWER:   It considers you dead sexy. And if that's the case, I'd recommend getting the heck out of the jungle. There's nothing scarier than unwanted snake loving.


QUESTION:     Should I climb under my bed covered  in nothing but a dirty torn comforter and chain smoke until I die? Or should I  just suck it up and go to my Western Civ. class? (Unbalanced AL)

ANSWER:   I say that you get to class. I'm not sure why you also want to consume your comforter, but if it helps you learn then I'm all for it.


QUESTION:     My mother got a fortune cookie with a  fortune that said, "What you left behind is more mellow than wine." What is this  supposed to mean? (Jenny)

ANSWER:   I think it's some sort of ancient Chinese joke about elderly people not being able to control their bladders.


QUESTION:     Do you believe that all research on  successful drug policy shows that treatment should be increased and law  enforcement decreased while abolishing mandatory minimum sentences? Oh, and does  your tapeworm tell you what to do? (Lauren)

ANSWER:   While my tapeworm is not in charge of my thoughts, he has demanded a forum to lay out his concerns. In fact, he has asked to answer this question and the two that follow it. One sec, let me cough him up and hand over the keyboard. HELLO THIS IS RICHARD I REQUIRE FOOD IN LIQUID FORM I MUST FEED. DRUGS ARE INCREASING AS ARE MY OFFSPRING. I LIKE MANDATORY, IT IS MY FAVORITE FLAVOR OF MANWICH. DELICIOUS BEEF, MUCH PROTEIN FOR ME. MUST FEED.


QUESTION:     who took my really cool white top that i  always wear? (smiley_girl)



QUESTION:     Skippy, I can't sleep. Will you tell me a  story? (sesquipedalian)



QUESTION:     i read you make a mean chocolate omelet you  name the time and place and ill meet you there (Pimpette)

ANSWER:   Alright, but it's going to require a time machine. Meet me on top of Mt. Everest in 14, 006 B.C. Bring a jacket.


QUESTION:     Hey skippy, how do you remove pimples and  warts without buying any special product??? (Tom/Annemarie/Krista/Steve)

ANSWER:   Do a chainsaw and a bucket of bleach count as "special products?"


QUESTION:     How does one know if you are an evil  Giraffe? (Kelly Brown)

ANSWER:   A big giveaway is how you react to unfortunate events. For example, let's say you see an old woman slip on a patch of ice, sending her bag of groceries akimbo. If you rush over to help with you long legs, you are a Helpful Giraffe. But if you cackle fiendishly only to hear a high pitched tone come out, you're an Evil Giraffe. Oh, and if you just shrug and go back to eating leaves with your giant neck, you're probably just an Indifferent, Jaded Giraffe.


QUESTION:     Do you have any blueprints for a giant  chicken eating robot with fork as one hand and an ear of corn as the other? If  you dont have one could you just send me one of a giant chicken eating robot?  (Moltar)

ANSWER:   Why, of course I do! Here is it is.


QUESTION:     how did my faucet get clogged? (Ben  Carpenter)

ANSWER:   Aww, don't you remember last week when we played "Dead Rat Stuffer?" You said that loser cleans, so get to work, crybaby.


QUESTION:     How many were there? I counted 135 in the  first minute, but gave up after that (muckingfental)

ANSWER:   I lasted until around 2300 or so, then I gave up too. It certainly is a handsome shirt we made with our nose hair though, isn't it?


QUESTION:     Why don't you ask questions, Skippy?  (Aaron Robinson)

ANSWER:   I ask them all the time...I just usually forget to use English and write them down. Oh, and quite often they are questions intended only for Nebulon, and/or require the express written consent of Major League Baseball. I'd love to fill you in, but last time I broke the rules they air-dropped a crate of leftover Yankees players on my house.


QUESTION:    Why is it that I have trouble with my funk and groove? You see, I CAN funk, but I can`t groove. (The Masked Kangaroo)

ANSWER:   That is indeed a troublesome problem.  I'm not a doctor, but I have a friend who is also not a doctor.  His brother, no doctor himself, often eats at a restaurant that is owned and operated by a non-doctor.  That man likes to watch a lot of television, some of which includes doctor-oriented programming.  His advice wasn't really worth repeating, so I'll just give you mine.  I would first establish whether or not you are to be considered a "True Player."  If you are, great.  If not, work on it until your status improved.  At this point, you should comply with all demands to "Throw your Hands In The Air" whenever your "True Player" status is questioned in popular music.


QUESTION:    Hi, I'm 17 and every year my high school has a Sadie Hawkins dance. If you aren't familiar with this it is a dance where the girls ask the guys out. It has become somewhat of a competition as to who can ask their date the most creative way. This year I want something very original and funny. Can you help me with some ideas? (Ashley)

ANSWER:   So wait, you can't get a date?  What, are you ugly or something?  I'm not really interested in you, sorry.  But your friend Sadie sounds like a real hottie. Think you could introduce me to her?  

QUESTION:    What are the key characteristics of the Robber Barons as defined by Josephson? How did the Robber Barons view business and the role they played?  Support with examples.  (sesquipedalian)

ANSWER:   I forget most of what I learned in high school about Robber Barons, but that does remind me of this guy named Robert Barrond that I knew.  We used to all call him "Rubber Band."  Oh, and not because of his name either.  Because of his ability to leap off of 3rd-story balconies without getting hurt.  He had a growth defect in his legs, I think.


QUESTION:    What sign are you? I'm a Capricorn, and Capricorns don't believe in astrology.  (Dorothy Ross)

ANSWER:   I like to consider myself to be a Wendy's sign.  Not the big one on top, but the little white one underneath.  My friends say that I am constantly announcing lunch specials and 2-for-1 offers.  Also available are new crispier french fries.

QUESTION:    will we get enough money for our cruise? (CATLADYCHASE)

ANSWER:   If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times:  Tom Cruise no longer is available for private parties!  And stop writing him all those letters using your bodily fluids too.


QUESTION:    Why cant i remember being born? (Tom Burton)

ANSWER:   Because you weren't born, you were grown.  Actually you were more of an accident when I was trying to make a new kind of cheese using human skin, Flexall 454, and some things I found at the bus station.


QUESTION:    What if i were green with yellow spots? How would i ever find a boyfriend?  (Dee Blair)

ANSWER:   Dee, stop beating yourself up.  You could have pink spots or blue spots, but the fact remains that you are green.  Most guys just aren't into that.  Maybe you could date a martian.  Or perhaps the Incredible Hulk, but I heard he's old and used to be a scientist.  You know how cranky scientist guys can get.


QUESTION:    When I was four I fell into a ride-on lawnmower while it was on and it really hurt. Now, ten years later, I think that it was really funny. Why do people find bad things in the past funny? (Tim Karl)

ANSWER:   Probably because we're still alive.  It wouldn't be as funny if we were dead, or caught in a time loop.  Unless it was like GroundHog Day with Bill Murray.  That a great movie.  Remember how he let that groundhog drive?  And then it crashed into a lake or something?  I bet angels were laughing at that, or something similar.


QUESTION:    why do fish float when they die? (Amanda Morse)

ANSWER:   The real question is why they don't just pop out of the tank, filet themselves, cover themselves in a delicious breaded topping, and cook themselves until crispy.  How hard would that be?  Lazy fish.


QUESTION:    why does snot taste so good to kids? (craig cutler)

ANSWER:   I'm not sure, but I think the teachers of that preschool are starting to look at you funny.  You better stop taking all of that snot from the kids before the police have to get involved.


QUESTION:    I would like to know if modern medications have made it possible to strengthen my teeth. (mazmur)

ANSWER:   Science is great.  These days you can strengthen EVERYTHING, not just your teeth!  Just last week I had some doctors re-inforce my knees and elbows with polycarbonate steel.  Now I wish I had paid a little extra to get the kind with hinges.  It's really hard to eat and walk now.  And don't even get me started about going to the bathroom...


QUESTION:    how much was cloth cotton and clothes during the Industrial Revolution? (britty)

ANSWER:   The Industrial Revolution?  Man, don't remind me.  All I can remember is spinning for years and years.  I was dizzy for weeks when it finally ended.


QUESTION:    Should I unleash my creation on the unsuspecting public? (Anaesthetic Juggler)

ANSWER:   Unsuspecting is a bit of an understatement.  You've been telling the townspeople about it for weeks.  Why everytime we pass on the street you're always all "Hey did you hear what my creation did last week," and I'm all "yeah, I read it in the newspaper" and you're all "Well yesterday he just started breathing fire" and I'm all "Yeah, whatever, hey I'm late gotta run see-ya."  Just unleash it for crying out loud.


QUESTION:    Why is my phone speaking to me in my sleep? (Foghorn Dilemma)

ANSWER:   It probably confused you for a PC modem.  It's all right though, I'm frequently confused for a Ronco Rotisserie Oven.  People are always trying to cram whole chickens in me and turn my nose like a timer.  It's rather unpleasant.


QUESTION:    how big is the spleen of a bee? (Freyajhansen)

ANSWER:   It's about bee-spleenish in width and height and has a depth that's quite similar to the depth of a bee spleen and bee heart, minus the heart.


QUESTION:    how do u steal a car (Letisia Rios)

ANSWER:   How do most people do it, or how do I do it?  Most people like to smash a window and use a screwdriver to pop the steering column, giving them access to the starter wires which they then strip and connect.  I, on the other hand, like to use my Stealth MultiTruck to just pick the car up with a giant electromagnet.


QUESTION:    I want to learn to breathe fire, what books do you recommend I read? (theneonraindeer)

ANSWER:   Screw books, just contact Mr. "Leashed Creation" up there.  I'm sure he would be happy to talk you ear off with helpful tips on fire breathing and a wide array of other topics, including household plumbing which he's also quite fond of.


QUESTION:    so why are you doing this instead of advising President Bush in his next campaign? (Nadina3)

ANSWER:   I tried to apply for for the position of Sarcasm General, but the job was quickly abolished by the Irony Committee.



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*(guarantee only applies on days that don't end in "y")
**(Credit: Marissa for several question copy/pastes while I was on the phone one evening.  Also another night while I laid on the couch and dictated the answers.  She's a saint.)