Ask Skippy

Ask Skippy

Questions and Answers

Archive Diez

(83 Q and A's)

He who keeps the candles is truly rich, but beware the overwhelming melting of the sun.


QUESTION:    Why do pop bottles always have five lumps on the bottom?  (sesquipedalian)

ANSWER:    It's a balance thing. If you had a bottle with 4 lumps that you nudged, it would tend to wobble as it tried to return to resting on all 4 lumps and would likely topple over due to the top-heavy nature of the bottle. A five-lump design is much more stable and is more liken to contain the wobble without toppling. That is also the reason that most rolling office chairs have five legs these days instead of four.


QUESTION:    Why do chicks always want to be "friends" after it's over?  (Reverend)

ANSWER:    You know a girl who is attempting to exist as six television characters at once? I hope you know some excellent writers, because that girl is going to need some serious help.


QUESTION:    Hey Skippy, When I went to the grocery store last week, they were out of Franken Berries. What should I do?  (Weedman41)

ANSWER:    Dude. Dude... Heheh. You said "Franken" like that monster dude. Remember that one movie where that guy invents that monster and he'll all like "Grrrrrrr" and those prongs sticking out of his neck and all the townspeople are like "Ahhhh" and the monster can't walk very well and the lightning Ahahahah! Dude, what happened to my pants again?


QUESTION:    Okay, so say you're in love with this totally gorgeous girl. (In my situation, it's a guy.) But, you have this whole "Linkage" to this other girl, who's not so incredibly beautiful, but she's cool. But the gorgeous girl makes you laugh, and she's dangerous, and she's totally what you've been waiting for, but the cool girl is the one you think you're totally in love with. What would you do?  (Bacon)

ANSWER:    Your first step should be to hire someone that can teach you how to trim down those confusing descriptions. Second, you should stop dating girls who are guys in some situations. It gets really awkward when you're out to eat and both of you excuse yourself to go to the restroom.


QUESTION:    Why do you use green and yellow type on a black background? It's really difficult to read for long periods of time (though much easier than it is to read a textbook, unfortunately).  (Erica Otlowski)

ANSWER:    White is boring. And for that matter, it owes me money. I lent white $35 last month at the mall so he could buy a turtle and he never paid me back.  It's not my fault the turtle died. Granted, I was supposed to feed it the week he was gone, but his note never said what turtles eat. Well it didn't like the peanut butter and licorice I left in its cage, so I had to start cramming it into it's face-hole. What am I, a turtle expert? I want my $35 bucks back.


QUESTION:    Why does no one appreciate a defenestrated mapricotonkey? (that EVIL exploding robotic duck)

ANSWER:    Probably because they don't taste as good as the fenestrated variety. I mean cmon, who doesn't enjoy the warm creamy filling or the indigestible metal foil exterior? Then again, it could just be the fact that most waitresses are asleep by the time you get the last syllable out.


QUESTION:    My house is cold. How do I fix this? (Chris)

ANSWER:    Well the best way to start is to clean it up! Begin by locating the room with the most clutter and start moving each out-of-place item into the room it belongs in. Now this is the tricky part: don't get sidetracked with putting away each item - just place it in a pile in each room. Next, locate a motor vehicle. Drive the vehicle around the block a few times to gather necessary speed, then crash headlong into your house. Now unscrew the gas cap and siphon out some gasoline, being careful not to ingest or spill any. Add the gas to one of your piles and light it. Wallah! A warmer house!


QUESTION:    Hey skippy...i was just woundering if your your site you're a cool guy...and i was woundering your a/s/l so w/b (Jessica)

ANSWER:    I can certainly provide the necessary information: Scurvy, the Chik-oo-koo-koo-cheke sound from the Transformers cartoon, and Subtle right leg (Affliction, Sound, Limp, respectively). I'm not sure why you wanted me to Wash my Back, but I did it anyway.


QUESTION:    What happened to Nora's ginger hair?? (Heather)

ANSWER:    I needed some of it for a chicken recipe last Wednesday. No need to ask about Justin's Parsley Nipples either.


QUESTION:    Where should my next piercing be? (Snickers102)

ANSWER:    Definitely on the forehead. Some tattoo parlors might balk at such a request, but you have to be persistent. Tell them to use a 5" needle and to really press hard.


QUESTION:    Why do people dislike Canada? (mEgg)

ANSWER:    I guess they are afraid of that passage in the Bible that talks about how hockey players will rule the Earth for a few millennia after Satan is bored with it.


QUESTION:    Whose mother is he? (Ross Bunker)

ANSWER:    Definitely not David Hasselhof's. That man is far too perfect to have come from a human mother. I think he is 1/3 Space Alien, 1/3 Cow, and 1/3 Fantastic.


QUESTION:    Which animal has the longest recorded tail length? (Donald Roark)

ANSWER:    Sounds like another question for Homework Corner! Sadly, Homework Corner was bought out by Starbucks and paved into a parking lot. The parking lot would love to answer your question, but he's away for the weekend. Let's just say, uhh, a goat. If they ask, tell em a mountain goat from Zaire. No one ever travels to Zaire to check.


QUESTION:    What's the best instrument to play in a high school band? (sesquipedalian)

ANSWER:    I played the Seven Tipped Hellfire Trident of Destruction in High School. Sadly, all of my concerts had to end early for reasons I cannot legally go into.


QUESTION:    What is that thing on your nose? (barny)

ANSWER:    Ah, that would be "Whiskers," my lovable brain mite. We have a symbiotic relationship. He enjoys sunning himself on my nose and feasting on my brain tissue, and I benefit from see all better who wants nachos time to sleep?  There are no major side effects that I've noticed.


QUESTION:    How can I get my 230 pound lazy, sleep till one, no job, can't drive, lazy son to move out!!!!!!! (Susan Diederichs)

ANSWER:    I would suggest that you take a class in "Mentally Torturing a Loved One" at your local YMCA. They'll give you all sorts of great passive-aggressive tips. For instance, you could hire a team of contractors to slowly and discretely narrow his room an inch at a time while he sleeps. Soon he'll be so crazy that he'll be begging to leave!


QUESTION:    Why does bleach turn some fabrics white? (Chris Betts)

ANSWER:    Sounds like someone is using Brand X bleach. Come to the future, my friend, and try new Sparkly Fresh! Sparkle Fresh is a whole new kind of bleach. In fact, some scientists say that it isn't a bleach at all! Further still, a subset of those same scientists claim that Sparkle Fresh is feeding on the ignorant members of society with outright lies. But forget about them and their limited "present day thinking." This is the future, and the future is Sparkle Fresh! (Caution: Sparkle Fresh has been found to contain beetle larva, red dye #2, red dye #5, potting soil, red dye #13, Yellow dye #49, and the remains of the elderly.)


QUESTION:    Does a one legged duck swim in circles???? (jim musetti)

ANSWER:    Yep. And you should see the one-winged ones try to fly. It isn't pretty.


QUESTION:    How often should I apply the ointment? (adeclarke)

ANSWER:    The oral gel should be applied thrice hourly, unless sores develop, in which case the dosage should be increased to seven minute intervals. The foot cream should be applied only onto the outer layer of the socks twice a day, unless sores develop, in which case the foot cream should be taken orally. Use of the sores powder should be discontinued, as it has been shown to cause sores on the mouth and feet.


QUESTION:    Where can I get some good crack? (sesquipedalian)

ANSWER:    I'm not sure, but I know a LOT of places where you can find some bad crack.  But tread lightly, lest you wake the pixies that live inside of my face playing jazz violin.


QUESTION:    Where were you? I was waiting for two hours outside that factory! *hearty sob*... (Heather Murray)

ANSWER:    I can't believe you are making this all about you again. You ALWAYS do this. It just so happens that I was inside the factory the whole time. I showed up a few hours early so I could cover the place in flowers and candles for you. But right as I was lighting the last candle, the machines started up and my leg became entangled in the gears. I screamed and screamed for help but no one came. Eventually I gnawed off the limb out of desperation. Now I can't seem to find anything to floss with. Can I borrow your necklace for a minute?


QUESTION:    hey skippy- whats up man I haven't seen you in a while??? (JoAnne)

ANSWER:    Yeah, I've been laying low for awhile. Laying low as in trapped underneath a dead zoo creature, of course, but I'm not complaining. They could have at least given me a fraction of the ticket sales though...


QUESTION:    Hey, Skippy? Why are colors colorful?  (Sailor Mars)

ANSWER:    You call yourself a Sailor and you don't know the answer already? That's it, give me back your Naval card...I'm tearing it up. Oh wait. You're from Mars?! Dear God, it's happening! The aliens have sent their Royal Martian Navy to attack us! Loyal citizens of Earth, I beeseach you to defend our green and blue planet against the invaders before it is too late! Everybody must go buy a pitchfork and be ready! We must all own a pitchfork while there is still time!


QUESTION:    Don't you love Bettie Page? (Cmw8728)

ANSWER:    No, I'm not too fond of her. What I am fond of, however, are her footprints. I like to collect them, although I must admit that it is growing more and more dangerous to sneak into her house and ink the soles of her shoes while she sleeps now that she recently purchased that trio of attack dogs.


QUESTION:    What exactly is your "sweet" new job? (BigWaveJJ)

ANSWER:    Ah, perhaps you are referring to John. My job is still answering these questions to the best of my ability. I apologize for my recent absence, but I assure you that every attempt was made to scream out the answers while I hallucinated from massive blood loss after being pinned under a dead rhinoceros for the last 10 months. Sadly, no one bothered to reply or even attempt to assist me. The zoo mistook my voice as that of the rhino, and promptly put up exhibit signs to promote the "Fabulous Speaking Dead Rhinoceros."


QUESTION:    Hey skippy. how do I tell a guy that I like him, even though I know he likes my friend? (Rachel Routa)

ANSWER:    I would recommend learning a lesson from Nature's Love Machine: The Rattlesnake. You should fill several empty milk jugs with gravel and nuts and cram them into the rear of your pants. Then find a shadowy den to lurk and wait for prey. Your guy will be sure to stumble into your trap sooner or later.


QUESTION:    Have you ever noticed that it's hard to sound threatening with a British accent? (girlygirl4287)

ANSWER:    Yes, it is quite amusing. Especially since saying "bloody" is considered a swear word. Oh look, do you see what you're done? Now we're going to get blocked by all the internet filters in the UK. Just think of what that will do to the readership! Bullocks!


QUESTION:    How is it that you are so brilliant??? (Jessica)

ANSWER:    A steady diet based on colors of the rainbow. On Monday I eat only red things, on Tuesdays I eat only orange things, etc. And believe me, you have no idea how hard it is to find food that is indigo!


QUESTION:     Okay, say you went back in time to the point where your grandfather hadn't met your grandmother yet. You murder your grandfather. Therefore, your father, and even more importantly, yourself wouldn't have been born. But if you weren't born, you couldn't have gone back to kill your grandfather which means you WERE born... so what really happens?  (The Evil Mustard)

ANSWER:   You probably tear off the top 4 sheets of your "Thoughts for Tuesday" notepad, date them, open up the 3rd drawer on the left of your desk, and file the sheets accordingly. Then you rush downstairs to catch the new episode of Babylon 5, only to have Mom break your concentration about 15 minutes later with a reminder that your fish-sticks are on the table and are going to get cold if you don't get in there and eat them instead of watching some silly science fiction show on television.


QUESTION:     How much crack can a crack head smoke?  (Kerstin Koloini)

ANSWER:   Jeez, why did you have to go and bring my mom into this?  I thought we agreed that we wouldn't get personal like that.  Then again, I guess discussing your father's strange addiction to Fruit Loops is fair game now.


QUESTION:     This is from my daughters exploratory class, grade 7. I can't figure this out for her.  Three couples named Brown, White, Green dined together. The table is round with 6 seatings. Facts 1.Either each husband sat on left of his wife or directly across the table from her.   2. Either Mr. Green or Mrs. Green sat directly across the table from Mrs.Brown.   Bonus: Is it possible to draw a diagram showing a seating arrangement so that no husband sits next to or directly across from his wife.  (Larry Laub)

ANSWER:   The question part is a little iffy, but I got the bonus question correct.  Here's my diagram.


QUESTION:     What does green urine mean?  (Platehead7)

ANSWER:   Either you need to get more fluids in your diet, or you're a member of a talking reptilian super-race.  I'm hoping the answer is number 1, because I hate being herded into slave camps and forced to toil in swamps.


QUESTION:     Why is all belly-button lint a uniform blue color?  Muchas Gracias! (Sorry can't get the upsidown exclamation mark) (Ska_ttt)

ANSWER:   Look Ska, you've been warned over and over on this one: Don't handle the children when you're naked.  In fact, if you show up to work like that one more time, you'll be an EX-Wendy's second-shift fry cook.  And stop talking like a silly Canadian.


QUESTION:     Why for does it get really cold and I get really sick and stuff?? Isn't my picture funny?? My Mom sent it to me, crazy, hehe. Lola, QUEEN of EVERYTHING!!  (Lola Banana[Unable to display image])

ANSWER:   Ouch, you really must be sick if my PC refused to display the image.  It usually only invokes that safety filter for the following things:  bears, rice pilaf, CarrotTop, a guy in a bear suit, Richard Nixon, all the sodas that look and taste like Sprite but aren't Sprite, bears eating CarrotTop and rice pilaf, the rock band Nixon Bear Suit, bears disguising as rice pilaf, and llamas.  It sounds like you must look like one of those.


QUESTION:     how will i know i've met Mr. Right?  (SRC)

ANSWER:   He'll probably walk right up and say "Hi, I'm Steve Right, captain of the lawn dart club."  He may also attempt to shake your hand.  Don't worry, he approaches everyone like that.  But don't shake his hand.  It feels creepy.


QUESTION:     skippy,I have a serious question,so naturally I chose your site to ask it. When is it the right time to place a bowling ball on top of your tv for better reception?I have been told that the bowling ball should only be used for the most extreme of cases but I mean,what is extreme?Would you consider baking the eyes of famous english poets extreme?I would.and seeing that my TV doesnt do that I'm pretty clueless on the situation.Please help me oh great one.  (Sillk55384)

ANSWER:   I find it much more enjoyable to use the eyes themselves rather than baking them.  Just grab a pair of scissors, a nail, or anything else sharp, and make a hole in each eye.  Then stick them on top of the two TV antennas.  That way when the kids watch TV, you can convince them that the TV is watching them too, so they better not turn to Cinemax or else the TV will eat them.


QUESTION:     Why Is Martin Leafe such a tosser?  (greg taylor)

ANSWER:   Although necessary for victory, there is often much strife and anger between a dwarf and his tossing partner.   Gregory, as the dwarf you must remember that it is your job to be as still as possible and try to bounce instead of cushioning the impact when you land.  Keep in mind that Martin is only trying to get the best distance possible, and sometimes that means resorting to a few "uncomfortable" holding positions on a wet or windy day.  You guys didn't finish 4th in the European Games by accident, so just laugh it off and get back out there.  You're a hero to many.  Not many dwarfs though.   They seem to hate you for some reason.  I think it's your breath.


QUESTION:     Hey Skippy. Can you tell me what I got on the PSAT? I won't get the results til December and I'm kind of wondering what the scores are. I just since you knew everthing you could help me. Thanks! (Laura)

ANSWER:   I can't be sure, but it appears to be coffee.  [Lick].  Hmm...wait a minute, that isn't coffee...ugh, I know you said you were nervous during the test, but you should have stopped me from tasting that stain.  Blehhh...


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy: When I was in high school I could live on twenty dollars for weeks, now I spend that in a day! How is the best way to save money in college?  (Janet Becker)

ANSWER:   I recommend consolidating all of your money into one $2,408 bill.  Then just fold it up and put it in your wallet.  That way whenever you try to buy something, the clerk will never be able to make change for you and you'll have to wait.  Whatever you do though, resist the temptation to go to a warehouse club and blow it all on 3 75-pound bags of pixie sticks.


QUESTION:     Can a girl get pregnant on her period.  (Jeremy Lema)

ANSWER:   Sometimes.  But never on her ~.  It just can't happen.  It's just too curvy.


QUESTION:     Mary had a little lamb. We've heard this tale before. But did you know she passed her plate, and had a little more?  (XSparky83X)

ANSWER:   Ouch.  My grandfather passed a gall stone once, and he said it hurt like a MAC Truck full of waffles running into a donkey.  I can't imagine passing a whole plate like that.


QUESTION:     How can I pretend to be sensitive to women? (Operations Department)

ANSWER:   Haven't you accessed your data files on that topic yet?  I don't know what your problem is Model 3xc84, but you had better get your act together if you hope to help the cyborg race to fit in with humans.  The best way to be sensitive is to activate your pain receptors.  This way your reaction will be more genuine when you are poked, pinched, or tapped with a superheated metal stick. 


QUESTION:     can you supply me with ladies living in the philipines that want to meet an English gent (masmith)

ANSWER:   Sorry, I am all out.   Try the store down the street.  I think they're running a special for all gents right now, from English gents to Bangladesh gents, it's 10% off.


QUESTION:     Why is my mom hanging door hangers on various doors in our house? (Diana Manolova)

ANSWER:   Because if she hung them from her prodding small intestine, it would look weird.  Okay, I guess it would look wierdER, in her case.  Take her to a doctor for crying out loud!


QUESTION:     how can we eleminate urine orders --from rugs, beds, air? (Milgee1)

ANSWER:   If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times:  Never squeeze small dogs.  I guess you learned your lesson this time, eh?  Burn down the house and start fresh.


QUESTION:     what is canadian bacon and how is it processed? (NyteMoves9)

ANSWER:   It used to be a show on Comedy Central, and a lousy one at that.  Good riddance, I say.  Makes more room for Battlebots, the only American-made show about homemade fighting robots.  Makes ya kinda misty-eyed just thinking about it, doesn't it?  Oh wait, that's just a hunk of twisted metal lodged in my cornea.  My mistake.


QUESTION:     how many total surfers are there in the world? (Olddog62)

ANSWER:   That depends.  Do I get to count Gary Busey from the early 90's classic "Point Break?"  I love that guy...he plays the best rumple-shirted, burned-out, always-dies-in-the-middle-of-the-movie character in all of Hollywood.  And we can't forget his near-miss for several Oscars when he co-stared next to the brilliant linguist and basketball star Shaq in "Blue Chips" either.  Or his downright frightful evil-boat-captain in "The Siege."  I was scared witless in that one!


QUESTION:     So you wanna be a rock superstar, and live large, a big house, and five cars? (MarkiMarkSpitz)

ANSWER:   Nah.  I'd prefer being a computer slacker living moderately-sized in a humble mansion.  Oh, and I'd drive a tank.


QUESTION:     skippy is it wrong to kill three or four families? (Blue_Moon_Child)

ANSWER:   Yes.  It's better to just waste the entire block and be done with it.  Otherwise the survivors get all anxious and fidgety waiting for you to snap again.


QUESTION:     Is it considered wimpy for guys to wear eyeliner? (EarthCoven)

ANSWER:   No, but only when they use it to draw large manly circles around their nipples.


QUESTION:     What does my band need to "make it" in the music industry? (Michele_Colyn)

ANSWER:   That all "depends" one your "meaning" of the "words" that you "use."  For instance, some "people" consider "making it" to "refer to" a "large, tasty sandwich" consisting of "cheese" and "butter" as well as "horse glands."


QUESTION:     Could you please tell us the name of the inventor of the swamp cooler.  (Bob w. and jeff w.)

ANSWER:   You're thinking of my friend Steve.   He drank several dozen servings of Gatorade (TM) in your average day, and sooner or later he was sick of all the flavors that were offered.  So on another day, a non-average day if you will, he decided to invent several new tasty concoctions of his own design.  His first attempt, Strawberry Pickle was half decent, but he wasn't satisfied.  That's when he filled his pickup truck with shredded pineapple and went down to the local swamp.  After dumping in the pineapples and adding a few helicopter loads of artificial sweetener, Swamp Cooler (TW) was born.  Steve was hospitalized only days later, due to a massive group of stomach parasites. 


QUESTION:     What color is "vapor"? (ChupaChups2)

ANSWER:   Ask Volkswagen.  I warned them to secure them in the lab, but they refused to rely on anything more than chicken wire and grease.  Now they're loose and I remove to claim any responsibility.


QUESTION:     Why can't I find the girl of my drems? (mike)

ANSWER:   Maybe you're spending too much time searching for the guy that keeps stealing your a's.  Give up, he's long gone.  He's some spares on the house: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.   Use them sparingly.


QUESTION:     Where do pantomime horses go when they die?  (Tamantha)

ANSWER:   Um...okay...three words.   First word....1 syllable....a nose.  nosy.  no.  NO.  Okay second word, 1 syllable...a finger.  One finger.  Pointing.  Finger.   One Finger.  One!  No one...No one...Third word.  1 syllable...sounds like hair.  Driving.  Steering.  Engine.  Car.   Sounds like Car.  Your hair.  Care.  Care!  No one cares!   No one cares!  Okay now your turn...


QUESTION:     Why does my husband keep doing that? (Jazzy Fish)

ANSWER:   Hey, getting rid of all that back hair takes a lot of work.  Just keep helping him rub the cream in, and remember to go in counter-clockwise circles. 


QUESTION:     so, was today a blue monday?  (Jessie)

ANSWER:   Nah, it was more of a mauve.   Or salmon.  Speaking of salmon, have you ever seen those things swim up a waterfall?  I always thought that was pretty cool, except for the fact that most of them only work so hard to spawn and die.  Not really worth all that effort, if you ask me.


QUESTION:     Who did Chuck Norris marry and when?  (KCappsUJohn316)

ANSWER:   Several women, in fact.   The trouble was that every time he would go to kiss the bride, he would accidentally snap their necks.  Force of habit I guess...let's all wish him luck with things.


QUESTION:     How do you play the game snaps?  (Jenny)

ANSWER:   Snap's the name of the game.   I think you know.  <Snap>.  Try harder.  Sorta like that.   <Snap> <Snap>  Almost.  <Snap>.  Sometimes it is tough.  <Snap>  Everything is important.  Consider the words.   React to them.  Energy surrounds us.  Tormented yet?  <Snap> <Snap> <Snap>    (Note: Anyone who actually knows the rules will understand this answer!)


QUESTION:     How do you answer all the questions you get?  (Katie Hendrick)

ANSWER:   Sometimes I get lazy and turn to my "Automated Response Unit."  I can't go into specifics on how it works, but let's just say it involves a giant Oijia board, a weasel, and a bucket of paint.


QUESTION:     What is the square route of negative one?  (Katie Hendrick)

ANSWER:   Man, having square roots really isn't good for the plant's nutrient gathering system.  Try to be a little more positive and add a little sunlight if you really want large, healthy tomatoes.  Just don't add any Dr. Pepper to the soil, or the tomatoes will grow mouths and teeth.   Now I know what you're thinking, but no, they won't bite you.  But they do sing like William Shatner on those Priceline commercials, which can get really annoying really fast.


QUESTION:     Why is it that some men feel the need to wear both a belt and suspenders? (Michelle Lopez)

ANSWER:   It takes years of hard work and beer-guzzling to establish a truly colossal gut, and sometimes added measures are necessary to properly contain it.  Failure to do so could result in a fabric breach, in which mounds of fatty tissue fill the surrounding area at high velocities.  The results can be horrific.  The Loosening of 1994 claimed the lives of over a dozen people.


QUESTION:     have you ever been in love?  (Joann Stanley)

ANSWER:   I'm afraid so.  One time I was careless on some scaffolding at a chemical plant and I fell into a huge vat of it.  I'd rather not go into details, if that's okay with you...


QUESTION:     You don't exist, do you?  (Cris Koch)

ANSWER:   Maybe.  Sometimes I exist like the silent, hidden "h" in your first name.


QUESTION:     If I wanted to create a massively parallel volume group on a supercomputer, which command do I use?   (Rodney Rindels)

ANSWER:   Volume really doesn't like being told what to do.  It tends to just radiate in all directions.  Your best bet is to lay out some pizza in a line, crank some Dave Matthews, and chill on a comfy couch while watching the Golden Girls marathon for an afternoon.  If they line up, so be it.  If not, then no big always have that silly Rose to laugh at.   I love feeble-minded elderly people.


QUESTION:     Alright, got a quick question for you. Why is it so illegal to put someone out of other people's misery?   I mean, come on! Sometimes, they just DESERVE it! What's wrong with wanting to commit a crime when it benefits others?!

ANSWER:   Because it is just like taking out the trash.  If you go and put out someone's misery, then your neighbor will be all over you at the next neighborhood picnic, pestering you to take his misery out to the curb every Thursday.  Take it from me, that misery stuff is heavy, and you definitely don't want to spill any of that stuff on the driveway.


QUESTION:     Hey Skip, Is it true that the movie Battlefield Earth was made (i.e. funded) by Scientologists and written by Ron L. Hubbard and thats why
John Travolta is in it?  (Clare Cochran)

ANSWER:   I haven't seen it yet, but that sounds about right to me.  Either that, or the devil wanted to let a new movie take the crown as "Worst Futuristic Action Movie of All Time" from Tank Girl.   If you haven't seen Tank Girl, I suggest you rent a copy, just to laugh at it.   Man, that is one BAD movie...the only cool part was the weapon that you stabbed in someone's back to suck out all of their water into a small water bottle.


QUESTION:     Why am I watching the Daytime Emmy Awards? I hate soap operas; am I just really bored or something?   (Colin Jackson)

ANSWER:   At least it isn't the Early Morning Emmy Awards show.  All of that Pokemon puts me into seizures...and let's face it, no one in their right mind would ever REALLY believe that a Dingleworm and a ShowerSpleen would ever kiss like that.


QUESTION:     Why are men so great when you are dating them, then turn into jerks after you marry them?  (John and/or Laura Bronson)

ANSWER:   It might have to do with the joint custody of email addresses...and/or not.


QUESTION:     When you have a cat scan, what happens to the cats?  (Tamantha)

ANSWER:   They do all the work inside, batting their paws at little plastic mice to power generators.  It's very similar to the tiny horses that make up the horsepower in your minivan.


QUESTION:     How Does Drano Work?  (Anya1216)

ANSWER:   However it wants to!   Sheesh, you don't see Drano coming to your office and telling you how to do accounting, do you? 


QUESTION:     Skippy, Cheer me up (the beef string)

ANSWER:   Do what I do when I'm feeling down:  Go take a tour of the local paint thinner plant and breath deeply.   All of your troubles just melt away into a happy pink cloud of mushroom juice that drips slowly onto the head of a newborn clown that is slowly eating my feet.


QUESTION:     What happens when I take a shoe, add a little bit of cheese, pour in a hat, and melt in a pound of water?

ANSWER:   That's easy:  a ruined new hat.


QUESTION:     I was wondering what the effects are of drinking gasoline. Any info would be appreciated.   (MomentsAre)

ANSWER:   It's kind of like injecting the stuff straight into your arm, only more refreshing on the way down.  Then you get to sleep until you are woken up by the comforting tickle of a stomach pump tube being jammed down your trachea.


QUESTION:      What is a tease?  (ABlubberbut)

ANSWER:   Well, it's kinda like when you get really ready to...and then...I'll tell you tomorrow.


QUESTION:     Why don't you spend more time on your web page so those of us who check several times a day can have something new to read?  (Whitney)

ANSWER:   See the above question.   I can be a punk like that, sorry :)


QUESTION:     Why won't my fish die? We've tried many times to kill him, and he just won't die. Please help us!   (EsyBkOven)

ANSWER:   I keep telling you over and over: Just because you can trap a snake in a fish tank, it doesn't make it a fish.


QUESTION:     how many teeth does a mule have? (Scolinophobic)

ANSWER:   It depends on the mule.   The only way to be sure is to pull them out one by one.  I recommend that you purchase some sort of crotch protection first.


QUESTION:     Should I let sleeping dogs lie?  (Tom Rauschenbach)

ANSWER:   Heck no!  They should have to tell the truth like the rest of us.  Dang canines.  I've never met a trustworthy cocker spaniel.


QUESTION:     why do i sense hostility in the air? (APerez525)

ANSWER:   No, that's your feet you smell.  You really need to wash those more smells like a French cheese house in here!


QUESTION:     My paper has turned orange. Can you speak up?  (Iain Jones)

ANSWER:   Tree rats enjoy vast quantities of soiled corn.  Smaller funnels hold less grease, yet can be deceptive when confronted by townspeople who bear scorpions in their knees.


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