Ask Skippy

Ask Skippy

Questions and Answers

Archive Four

(100 Q and A's)

More questions for ya, laddy!



QUESTION:     Are you going to go insane answering my questions??  (Lola46)

ANSWER:   Nah.  I am already clinically insane as far as the continental United States is concerned.  Luckily, Alaska and Hawaii have lower standards.


QUESTION:     I had a B in English Comp and I write a research paper that 3 other english teachers, proof read and all said it was sure to make an A on it. Now my professor gave me an F, and said that since that would bring my score down to a C and she doesn't give C's to honor students, she gave me No Credit and I have to take the whole damned course again.  Why??????? (sniff sniff sob sob)  (Security)

ANSWER:   Just tell your parents that the Millennium Bug bit your teacher.


QUESTION:     1) How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?  Possibly 20 board feet?  2) How do they cram all that graham into Golden Crisp?  3) Why does Mr. Whipple always say "Please don't squeeze the Charmin" in those Charmin commercials? Is it some kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder?  4) Why aren't I doing my biology report right now? 5) What is the meaning of life? 6) If Cleeps are Cloops and Floops are Fleeps, then what are Creeps?  (SommyJr)

ANSWER:   1) It depends on whether or not the tree falls ON the woodchuck.  In that case, he isn't going to be chucking for a long time.  2) Fat guys.  Big, sweaty fat guys.  3) No, it's the PCP.   4) Because I am more entertaining...and I smell FANNNNNNNNN-tastic.  5) This has been covered a few times already!  But click here and we'll go over it again. 6) They're kinda like Richard Simmons, only gentle on the ears.


QUESTION:     dear skippy:  1. How come lois can not see thru such an obvious desquize?  2.What makes raymen noodles so darn good?  3.What happens when you run out of stuf to say?   4.What day is it in your special world?  that is it i guessso bye..... (Lesley Hersom)

ANSWER:   1) A desquize?  I just added some to the gas tank, and it is running 300% better!  2) It's the addictive power of soy.  3) You start spelling "stuf" like "thru" wrong, right?  4) In my world, every day is ARBOR DAY!  Plant a tree everyone!   Pine trees smell great...and WOW, look at all the extra oxygen molecules!


QUESTION:     what is a jellyfish (Stephen Pledge)

ANSWER:   I like to think of it as "Turkey of the Sea."  Only it cooks a little faster, and you don't need to baste it!


QUESTION:     Skippy how do I do subliminal messages?  (Zach Sielaff)

ANSWER:   SENDI'm not quite sureMEwhatLARGEyou areAMOUNTSrefering toOFhereCHEESE.


QUESTION:     why does my netscape mail never work? (elaine)

ANSWER:   Uh oh.  Looks like someone angered the gods of the Internet!  You're going to have to sacrifice some hard drives and phone cords.  Use butter.


QUESTION:     how come whenever i go to one of the sounds on your downloadable sound land; it goes to a screen that says "forbidden: this file is forbidden on this server"? (elaine)

ANSWER:   see above.  Only this time, substitute chicken necks.


QUESTION:     1. If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, will the tree file a lawsuit?
2. Why do so many of your reader questions ask about peanut butter?
3. Wyh didn;t I pay anuy attenrion in typ[ing classd?
4. What is the answer to number 5?
5. What is the answer to number 4?
6. Why do I use hotmail even though I don't like it?
8. Why did I skip question 7?
9. What is the biggest question of all?
Thanks for your help, Skippy (Chris St.Clair)

ANSWER:   1) That depends.  Were their wood chucks involved?  2) They aren't actual fans.  They're all my relatives from the local jelly plant, hoping to cash in on the hype.  3) Poor attention span.  Drink more soda.  4) The cliffs of madness. 5) A large bowl of shells 6) didn't quite make the cut for Juno? Juno..? -I- know.  7) <Answers deleted due to lawsuit>  8) <Answer skipped due to lack of interest> 9) Not this one.  Sorry.


QUESTION:     why haven't you questioned my answer?  Oh, another thing,why is snow, so cold?? (Lola46)

ANSWER:   Sorry, I was hyped up on cough syrup again.  I don't know, but it sure numbs up my uncle's diseased pancreas!


QUESTION:     hey, you know what, I often get a strange craving for Jell-o, but then it goes away because I look at it and think about the chin fat on old women and then I don't eat for 2 weeks. Isn't it weird when you're in accounting class and you can't focus on what the teacher is saying because you're watching the gross, flabby part of her arm move when she writes on the board, and when you get soo grossed out, but you can't look away, you are instantly mesmirized by it's hypmotic powers. EWW, vomit factor of 10!! Ok I will shutup now, hey, go Eat some Jell-o!!  (Lola46)

ANSWER:   Okay.


QUESTION:     my name is Krystal Klanika and I live in Otto Texas. Im 15 years old and would love to become a movie star... Do you think you could help me (obviosuly, Krystal Klanika)

ANSWER:   First things first.   You're going to need a "Battle Cry."  Now the important thing to remember here is that a Battle Cry isn't like real crying.  It's more like a high-pitched scream.  Next, you're going to need a stage name.  I prefer just watching TV to pick out a name.  See, I just came up with two good ones already: "Luxury SUV" and "The Helicopter."  Easy, huh?  Third, you're going to need a costume.  The best bet here is to check the dumpsters of carpet stores.  Good luck, future celebrity!


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, I have recently be told i have Hodgekins disease and i don't know what it is and how to treat it am i going to die? I am only 41 and the dr. keep sending me here and there for more terrible tests. I can't seem to pull up the right info on search unless its right in front of me and i don't know what it is. Any infor youcan give me or a site i may go to find out would be much appreciated. God bless you! and HAPPY HOLIDAYS! (DEBBIE COMBS)

ANSWER:   Ouch.  I'm extremely sarcastic, but I'm not cold-hearted.  Check out this link. I hope this helps.


QUESTION:     How come women get to have their periods and PMS and give birth? It's not much fun. How come guys don't have any of that stuff? God is not being very fair! (VSLouise)

ANSWER:   Corn.  CORN!  Red cornBlue cornPink corn.  Corn for everyone!


QUESTION:     Why have I been here 80 times in the last month? Why do I check back here about three times a day to see if you've updated questions and whenever you do-why is it like a national holiday for my friends and I? Is this normal? (VSLouise)

ANSWER:   Well, it's a great way to give yourself a break during a hectic day.  The Realm of Niftyness is like a summer camp for the mind.  You play with a few trinkets, you frolic, and you sleep in tents.   Then come the marshmallows.  The marshmallows of death.


QUESTION:     has anyone ever really been killed by a falling piano? (Andrea Schoepfer)

ANSWER:   Actually, there were eighteen deaths in the last year.  Then again, they all occurred at the same place.   I guess that "Pianos on a Flimsy Rubber Stick" wasn't such a great business opportunity after all.  But the flying monkeys LOVED it...


QUESTION:     Why won't Centropolis let Toho International make another Japanese Godzilla movie? (Charles Richardson)

ANSWER:    God ZEELA!   GodZEEla defeat mothra!  Mothra destroy town!  People need Godzeela!   Godzeela appear!  Godzeela kill mothra!  Mothra fall, big noise, many crashes.  People crushed.  Godzeela eat people.  Godzeela disappear into lake.  We love Godzeela!


QUESTION:     Update your page man!!! Hey by the way, did you have anything to do with the Monica Lewinsky sex scandal?? I think you did, don't lie, you did, didn't you!!  (Lola46)

ANSWER:   Let's just say my "Burger, fries, and beret" combo meal is selling quite well at the Cap'n John Blue Dress Emporium.


QUESTION:     Come sit by the fire, the water is warm!  (Lola46)

ANSWER:   Water-fire?  I am a master of the world of alchemy as well!  Just last week I turned a pair of socks into a scarf that tastes like peas!


QUESTION:     Does Barbara Walters really have a daughter?? I think that Miss Barbara is a little on the other side of the fence!! If you know what I mean.  (Lola46)

ANSWER:   She's been over my fence again?  That skank!  I mean, the grass on my lawn might LOOK greener, but if she tries to graze just one more time, I'm getting out my blowgun.


QUESTION:     what actually happens when you swallow a dime?? (Lola46)

ANSWER:   Your colon makes "change" if you know what I mean...


QUESTION:     i am doing a report on thing that happened on birthday. do you now anything that happened on 8/26/87? (FF8007pkmn)

ANSWER:   Actually I do.   That was the day that Magellan landed off the coast of Kansas.  There he discovered vast mines filled with diamonds and corn.  Suddenly, he was attacked (at approximately 2pm, if I remember correctly) by hundreds of flying rats.  After defeating them with a now-lost recipe of "fire dirt," Magellan changed his name to Kimberly, built a house, and feasted on the corn and diamonds.  The end.


QUESTION:     will mum start drinking again? (Stephen Pledge)

ANSWER:   She's going to need to do something!  It's a well-known fact that the human body can go only 2 days without water.  If she's that dead-set against drinking, see if you can work some watermelon into her diet.





QUESTION:     what is metal made out of?? (-Lola, Lupe, Lourdes, and the difficult, Maria)

ANSWER:   Peas.  Metal peas.


QUESTION:     Explain to me if I shot a spaceship into space where would it end? (VSLouise)

ANSWER:   Right around the thrusters...unless your spaceship has one of those rad Space Flags on the back.   Yeah...


QUESTION:     What happened to Clear Pepsi? I loved it. It was great on carpet stains, IF you know what I mean, AND I think you do. wink wink (Slavek)

ANSWER:   They added a calorie and some coloring and BAMM: new Pepsi One.


QUESTION:     I am the result of a reaction of Phenols and Aldehydes. What am I? (Maria Jurkowska)

ANSWER:   You're that Little Ceaser guy from the commercials!  Can I have a coupon?  Pizza Pizza!


QUESTION:     Why is it that when you get older Christmas gets boring? Why is the fun taken away when are youth is too? Why does it seem harder to get our gifts? We end up with it odds and ends of useless object. (shannon)

ANSWER:   Older kids = taller kids.   Taller kids = shorter tree.  Shorter tree = the appearance of smaller presents.  The appearance of smaller presents =  depression.  Depression = accelerated aging process.  Accelerated aging process = OLDER KIDS!  Good god, it's a CRUEL CYCLE OF DOOM!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!


QUESTION:     why do all these losers keep sending me instant messages whenever I go online??!!?? (Twinkie)

ANSWER:   Is that a loaded question or what, "Twinkie?" ;)


QUESTION:     My boyfriend and I have always had perfect skin, I've never even had three zits at the same time before I met him, and now everytime we make out, the next day we look like Pizza Hut's special of the week!!!!!!! Am I allergic to my boyfriend?????? (Lydia,MUW)

ANSWER:   Pizza Hut is selling face pizza?  Why am I always the last to hear about new products?  Is it for medicinal purposes, or is it actually MADE of peoples' faces?  Can I still get two for $18.99?


QUESTION:     I was just wondering if I should go and buy that wonderfully festive sequined underwear and bra set that I found today?? It was cute, but a little outrageous. Thank you for your time!   (adia)

ANSWER:   Hey aren't you that girl from the Melissa Ethridge song?  "Adia do believe in miracles...blah blah blah blah BLAH blah understand..."  If the underwear is too risqué, just let Melissa try it out first.  Maybe she'll write a new song about "That crazy sequin underwear that pinched me in uncomfortable places."  Okay, it may be tough to rhyme, but you have to admit, it IS catchy...I can hear you humming already...


QUESTION:     What will happen to all of the KKK members if God and Satan turn out to be black.......? Adia

ANSWER:   Well I doubt God will see many of them in the first place...


QUESTION:     Am looking for Alphonse Stallaert's music publisher. Any leads?  (Lmesor)

ANSWER:   No, but I have a few steel's, a couple of aluminum's, and I think I might have a copper in the back...


QUESTION:     What should I wear tomorrow?  (DancnQwen1)

ANSWER:   I'm going out on a limb here, but....clothes?


QUESTION:     Dear Miss or Misses, persay I was to find a large amount of tofu in a hobo's shopping cart
1) Do the ten commandments apply in conjunction with shopping carts and hobos?
2) is there any rule in citizen/hobo relations saying "what's in a hobo's cart is as good as his and thou shalt not take it?"
3) Are there likely to be any harmful forms of hobo dyptheria on this tofu?
4) If none of these applied, including the dyptheria, then how much money would it take for you to accept a dare to eat it.
yours lovingly, Sir Reginald Scared of Hobos. (Mrs. FIN)

ANSWER:   1) That depends...are the stone tablets IN the cart, or just laying next to it.
                      2) Yes.  It's called "The Beat Down Clause."  Basically it's the Golden Rule, with penalties.  And the penalties involve a small rodent.
                      3) Actually the block is largely comprised of hobo dyptheria.  Just make sure there isn't any TOFU in that stuff...yuck.
                      4) Again, it depends solely on the actual tofu content in the dyptheria.  Is there any melted butter involved?


QUESTION:     Skippy! The neutrinos are stabbing my body!!  (dowlerd)

ANSWER:   That's nothing!  The electrons in mine are having Cheez Whiz fights!


QUESTION:     Do you Prefer to Ski Uphill Or Down? (CAnAngel15)

ANSWER:   Depends on how deep the Jell-O is.


QUESTION:     What Three things do you Do Before you Cross the Road?  (CAnAngel15)

ANSWER:   1) Brush your teeth   2) Screw on my lucky 11th finger  3) Fire up the blender (you never know when you'll need it)


QUESTION:      1) Is Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory actually a whore house? Please explain.
                            2) Do you believe in the Tooth-Fairy?
                            3) Should Cheese Whiz be seriously considered becoming a food group all on it's own? (tay)

ANSWER:   1) Hey man, you saw those Oompa Lumpa things...I mean, you add all that melted chocolate into the mix, along with all that flavored-wallpaper licking...make your own call.
                       2) No.  But I do believe in the comb fairy.  Every time I put a dollar until my pillow, I wake up with another comb in my socks!  It's like every day is Christmas!   Speaking of combs, maybe you should check out this link.
                       3) Nah..if you break it down chemically, it's a fruit.  That's why it tastes so good with strawberries.


QUESTION:      What does the term "Uten, Gleeben, Globphen, Gluben" mean? (quoted from the songs "Rock of Ages- Def Leppard. & now Pretty Fly (for a white guy)- The Offspring... used without permission.) <followed by 3 pages of other words that are so long that if I chose to include it would cause you to leave my page FOREVER> (Dexter Flansburgh)

ANSWER:   It means "Help I think my arm hair is burning.  Bring me a strong shovel."  But that's just my dictionary.


QUESTION:     Where in the world is Carmen SanDiego? And just exactly how did she get there?   (Tom Fawls)

ANSWER:   I keep her in my refrigerator.  In the vegetable drawer.  Just like the sign says, it keeps her "Crisper."


QUESTION:     Why did I get a 98% on My Accounting Test Instead of a 100%???  (CAnAngel15)

ANSWER:   Simple.  It was due to your overuse of punctuation!!!!!!   -SKiPPy


QUESTION:     do you know my brother? he goes to u of delaware. his name is brad. anyways, do you prefer crunchy or creamy peanut butter. (Melissa)

ANSWER:   Brad?  You mean that guy that speaks to the trees?  Well, I've talked to him once or twice, but I guess I don't really "know" him.  As far as peanut butter goes, I prefer Jalapeno-style JIF.


QUESTION:     why is my roommate a slut possessed by Satan? (Melissa)

ANSWER:   It pays better than being a slut possessed by that guy on 21st street, Guido.


QUESTION:     why is math evil? (elaine)

ANSWER:   I can't resist here.  As a Comp Sci major, I am forced to take two semesters of "Discrete math."  As far as what the heck that means, your guess is as good as mine.  And I'VE taken both classes already.   Anyway, it's evil because math is a biological virus.  As my Discrete Teacher said, "A problem worthy of attack, proves its worth by fighting back."   See?  Evil mind robots.


QUESTION:     Why was Santa so generous when he lived?? I mean, back then everyone was poor, why didn't he keep his money and invest it? (Lola)

ANSWER:   He isn't as generous as you'd think.  It's simple, really.  In December, the elves make toys.  And in January through November?  They were forced back into the coal mines.  The REALLY bad elves have to make t-shirts for Kathy Lee Gifford.  But hey, it's all worth it to see little Cody crack that whip like his cute...


QUESTION:     if cleanliness is godliness, is dirtiness evilness?? and do monkeys enjoy washing their toenails with moldy nacho cheese?? (Bellapoisn)

ANSWER:   Only on Wednesdays.  For both questions.


QUESTION:     What is your Fav Kind Of Jello? Mine is Strawberry.  PS- Love your Page! (Amanda Morgan)

ANSWER:   I have a favorite recipe I usually don't share with "outsiders," but since you asked nicely, here it is:   Take one packet of Lime jello.  Add milk, salt, something from the bottom shelf of the fridge (no vegetables), and ice cubes.  Blend for three and a half hours.  Allow to harden.  Serves 8.


QUESTION:    What will John do without Marissa for seven weeks? (Karen Bralczyk)

ANSWER:   Cry.  Just roll up into the fetal position and sob uncontrollably (in between checking his email and guestbook)


QUESTION:    Dear Skippy, Why does inhaling helium make your voice sound funny? (Deb)

ANSWER:   When have you heard MY voice?  Are you that woman that sleeps on my roof?  Please come take back your dog!


QUESTION:    Hey man hilarious page... we read it all the time<we being friends and I> Anywho just got a couple questions for ya:
- why wont the mutant penguins stop attacking brazil
- why is peanut butter sticky
- where were you when I needed help?
- eeeeewwwww whats that??
- pls tell us all y sporks are so much better
- why is it that my friend squeeks when she laughs but cant hear it? (Atris DA)

ANSWER:   1) They are after your precious shiny stones.   Rid your nation of the stones, and the penguins will follow.  2) Because it began as a hair care product before it became a food item (it's great for split ends!)   3) In the bathroom.  It was the tacos again.  4) "I don;t know either, but it's crawling up your hat!" (classic joke from the Smurfs.  No, I never really understood it either).  5) pls?  Is that some Brazilian term?   I bet it means "butter" right?  Why do you Brazilians have such a fascination with dairy products?  6) Because you have no ears.  Or perhaps your natural ears are ineffective.  To remedy this, begin by caulking your current ears with a hot glue gun or spackle.  Next, take a drill (with a #4 drill bit) and drill small holes on each side of your neck.  Hear it now?


QUESTION:    Why, when I'm on aol (booo frickin thing) does it restrict me (darn parental controls) from the guestbook? i cant even sign it! what the hell is on there? (Mattsleuth)

ANSWER:   That's not AOL or the parental controls.  It's the FBI.  I didn't pay my "protection fee" last month.  And don't even get me STARTED on the "Bureau" part.


QUESTION:    Why are guys so selfish? Why do they lie so much? Why do people have to butt into your life and try to change it when it's not hurting them or you? Why do people see I have something good and decide they want it so they tear it away from me? Why are people so judgmental when they haven't even met you? Why do people SUCK so much????  (VSLouise)

ANSWER:   That wasn't a guy.  It was a monkey.   Monkeys are selfish by nature.  It's not their fault.  Just keep more bananas around.  Keep some bandanas around too.  They like those.  It makes them feel pretty.


QUESTION:    i have 3 questions: 1) What should I name my pet rock? 2) What should my mother name her pet rock? 3) Where can I buy 2 pet rocks (one for me, one for my mother)? (DaisyMist)

ANSWER:    1) Skippy  2) Duane 3) NOT FROM MY YARD AGAIN!  Are you hearing me this time, you rock thieves!?   I WILL find you one day!  Soon the day will come...


QUESTION:    Why do men have nipples? (VSLouise)

ANSWER:    Because one day we'll find out how to make them dispense beverages.  Then later we will advance to CHILLED beverages.  But that will require special internal coolers...maybe we could reroute to the appendix for coolant and..dang it, now I need to go get a pencil...I'll be right back....


QUESTION:    Why am I so afraid to ask you a question, Skippy? I thought you were such a nice entity (actually, I thought you were that nice boy from the Family Ties show -- hence all the search references to Michael J Fox in your "Road to Skippy". But I digress). Now I'm afraid that you're just like the rest of us. Why, Skippy, why? (Rob Haasdyk (FtMc))

ANSWER:   One time I stole Alan Thicke's hairpiece.  He's a ROBOT!  He just beeped at me a few times, took back his hair (it started singing in my hand), and scuffled off. 


QUESTION:    are you a squirrel? cuz if your a squirrel i think i've seen you on my jar of peanut butter (Ski)

ANSWER:    No.  But I do bathe in peanut butter.   Thrice daily.  Then rinse and repeat.


QUESTION:    Are Jimmy Hoffa, Elvis and JFK still living in the same nursing home in Northern Nebraska? (John Roberts)

ANSWER:    No.  I don;t know where you people keep coming up with these nasty, nasty rumors.  They are all dead.   All three of them.  None, I repeat, NONE of them are living in my basement in a bamboo cage.  <Be quiet Mr. Hoffa, or you have to sleep next to Elvis again!>


QUESTION:   will I win the lotto??? (Grover)

ANSWER:   Ever read that short story called "The Lottery" when you were in Junior High?  Basically it's about a town that draws the name of one person every year, then procedes to stone them to death to honor the Devil for a good harvest.  On that note, I wish you the best of luck in the lotto!


QUESTION:   Why does my scroll button fail me? I just typed me and the e came up first. I have to go back so many times to fiinih a sentence. A good example is //// above. I typed finish and got fiinih. This happens an awful lot. I just replaced the batteries. I know a space goesbetween words but sometime the space bar does not work.. This typewriter is 15 months old. Is it me or the typewriter? Thankyou (THERESA MANELSKI0

ANSWER:    It's you.  The typewriter just wants more blood.  Feed it.


QUESTION:   Hi Skippy. A few questions for you:
1)Have you meet Joe Black?
2)Do you believe in Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
3)Am I the only person who gets hives from watching 20/20?
4)Is the entertainment industry permeating our culture to frightening and dangerous levels?
Please shed some light. (Don't worry - it grows back.) (Ashley Schappert)

ANSWER:   1) He wasn't available for comment.  But his brother Bill "Slightly Opaque" said he's "a heck of a guy."
                       2) Only on Wednesdays.
                       3) No, I think it's actual insects emanating from Barbara Walters's beehive hairstyle.
                       4) NO!!  NO!!  A million times, NO!  <with a knife.>


QUESTION:   Squirrels aside, who was the greatest person of all time and why? (kirynn)

ANSWER:    Easily, without-a-doubt, Mr. T.   He takes pity on all the fools, regardless of  race or religious background.


QUESTION:   What does "du er lækker" mean. (it's danish)!! (Bøgh)

ANSWER:    It probably stands for "cheese-flavored breakfast treat."  I'm a donut kinda guy, myself.


QUESTION:   What's the best way to score with chicks? (VSLouise)

ANSWER:   Roman numerals.  III = 111 baby chickens. 


QUESTION:   Why is my p**** so much larger than everyone elses? it's really kind of  embarrassing when I wear my speedo for swim meets. (Tyler Ryan)

ANSWER:   I'm not sure, I have a five-star p.


QUESTION:   hey how do play the drinking game Rocsanne ?and how come do you like to eat beans? (Atris DA)

ANSWER:    I don;t drink, but it's simple.   Gather a bunch of friends around the TV.  Turn on the show.  Every time you feel utterly revolted by Roseanne's appearance, take a drink.  You'll all be toasted before that first McDonald's commercial can even come on!


QUESTION:   I can't get this song out of my head. Perhaps you can help me remember what it is called. It goes like this:

ANSWER:    That's the interlude to that one Titanic song by what's-her-name...Paula Abdul.  Two steps FORWARD;  two steps BACK.


QUESTION:   Why didn't you answer my question???? (Athanasia4)

ANSWER:   Because you didn't question my answer.


QUESTION:   If Dolemite were to eat a bowl of chili in the presence of Casey Casem, how long would it take before Chuck Norris showed up and broke Ed Begley's chiffarobe? (jeremy dietrick)

ANSWER:    Man, does this guy know how to get search engines to link to my pages via second-rate celebrities or what?  I'm giving you a pool ball off of my pool table of awards.  Your pick.


QUESTION:   For my own personal curiosity, how can they fit cheeze into squeeze cans, but not SPAM? And for my homework, what is the density of SPAM? (Bob)

ANSWER:   They send them to space in a rocket and open the hatch.  Wallah!  The vacuum of space instantly pressurizes the cheese into the can.  That's why they cost $14 at my local 7-11, right?


QUESTION:   I'm totally into this guy that I'm seeing but I promised myself I wouldn't get attached so I wouldn't get hurt. But every time I'm with him I see myself falling deeper and deeper in love with him. I know he is into me also but I'm not sure just how much he is into me. I don't know if he could ever think about loving me the way that I love him.  And when I try not to spend time with him it just makes me go crazy because I want to see him more and more. Please help me! I'm driving myself crazy and confusing him to death! (Dale Rhoton)

ANSWER:    Never attach yourself to ANYONE!   Didn't you read the label?!  It says "If product comes in contact with skin or eyes, flush with water and contact a doctor." 


QUESTION:   What do you package Styrofoam in ? (GD168086)

ANSWER:    A plastic-coated, cardboard-lined, steel-reinforced, double-taped wax sculpture of David Hasselhoff (or so the people at The Gap tell me...)


QUESTION:   Skippy, I love your pages! What a guy you must be! (Playdi2)

ANSWER:    What a guy?  Well, about 6'2", hazel eyes, medium build, 33-inch....waist.


QUESTION:   Why do they sterilize needles used for lethal injections? (GD168086)

ANSWER:      I think a better question is "Has anyone sterilized Dr. Kevorkian yet?"


QUESTION:   How do the blind dream, if they have been blind for the rest of there lives? (Shanno67)

ANSWER:    For the rest of their lives?  How do you know?  Can you see the future?  Is this God again? 


QUESTION:   What's the fastest way to circumcise a redneck? (VSLouise)

ANSWER:   A competent doctor?  (insert obvious look of sarcasm)


QUESTION:   Dear Skippy, Where did I put my watch when I took it off last night? I've looked everywhere; is it where all my ball point pens go? (Liz)

ANSWER:   Check behind your ear for the watch.  I have all of your pens.  Sometimes I wedge them into the seats of your car when you're not looking!  Tee-hee!


QUESTION:   my religion is the only right one, right??? (Sarahapp)

ANSWER:   Yes, but only because my team is going to win the Super Bowl AND my haircut is obviously the best.



ANSWER:   Homosexual?  No.  Happy?  Quite.


QUESTION:   Why was Space Cases canceled? (GenoN64)

ANSWER:   Lack of interest.  And John Glenn just couldn't take any more of those meddling youngsters...


QUESTION:   Why do I go into Burger King at 3:00 am and ask for a bucket of pickles?? (VSLouise)

ANSWER:    the same reason we all do it!  The implanted emotion chips in our skulls!


QUESTION:   What is the greatest wonder of the world?? (Athanasia4)

ANSWER:   Why Pauly Shore has fans, let alone is still alive and using up part of my air.


QUESTION:   If more is better, why isn't too much just right? (USKIP)

ANSWER:    That reminds me of how I was taught back in grade school on how to remember the difference between spelling "dessert" and "desert."  You always want MORE ice cream, so there are MORE "s"es (if that looks weird, you try expressing the plural of "s."   It took me two minutes to decide on that one...) in deSSert.  Nifty?


QUESTION:   Dear Skippy, I like the name. (my cat is named Skippy). Should you ever date co-workers. (dpfgv)

ANSWER:   Not if you work at the Center for Animal Intelligence.  Howler monkeys just aren't good at affection.


QUESTION: did the Randomnesss Tour go? (Paul.McLaughlin)

ANSWER:    It was a lot of fun, except for one slight here for details


QUESTION:   Why does women forgive men for cheating on them and then feel that he will not continue the relationship,but become faithful to them? (REFINE-MRS-B)

ANSWER:   When it comes to cheating, don;t stand for it!   Make him do that math problem for himself!  If he fails, so be it.  It's the only way he'll learn!


QUESTION:   When did the tradition of women shaving their legs and armpits begin in the US? (tyger101)

ANSWER:    Actually, no.  It began in a futuristic world.  It was 2045 and the human race was in a heated battle for survival versus the evil self-replicating robots of Cyberdine.  A young man, John Conner, was humanity's only hope.  When Cyberdine computers found out, they send a "Terminator" back to kill young John.  But Arnold Swartzineger, with the help of two plucky little animated rabbits, foiled the plot and saved the day.  And THAT, friends, is the story of female shaving.


QUESTION:   I found your page with the query "stinky underpants". (Bryan Jordan Todd)

ANSWER:    I don;t know what you mean by "query," but I suggest you change them.  Sooner than later.  Don't wait for the bugs to move in.


QUESTION:   Why do boys never grow up? Why do men always act like boys? Why do little boys try to be like big men? (ButkusD)

ANSWER:    Because the live in Never Never Land with Peter Pan.  It's just off of Route 63.  Just make sure you make that FIRST left, because the SECOND left will take you to Michael Jackson's Never Never Land RANCH.  I made that mistake before....<shudder> 


QUESTION:   What can you do to spice up a long time relationship? (Real38)

ANSWER:    Spice?  I like oregano.  I put it on everything: pasta, sandwiches, corn, my boat, my wallet, etc.  I suggest the creative use of oregano.  Let me know how things turn out.


QUESTION:   What is ascorbic acid? (La, Toya Green)

ANSWER:    It's that stuff in the corners of your eyes every morning when you wake up.  I suggest making it a part of your's very high in carbohydrates.


QUESTION:    why am I so tired? (John Peterson)

ANSWER:     I have stolen your rest from you since the Spring of last year.  See that little green light on the bottom of your monitor?   That means my device is "on."  Using a series of energy conversion and TCP/IP protocols, I have gone without rest for nearly seven months now.  Anyway, go get some rest...I need a nap.


QUESTION:    Skippy, I am a 14 year old girl from Arizona and I am known at my school for possessing the loudest sneeze in the southwestern United States. In fact, my nick-name is "Sneezer". It is difficult to get dates since the last boy I went out with had his left eye closed shut by one of my gooey projectiles. He will never be the same (with a 45% permanent vision loss). Enough about him... Most boys my age are too scared to date me because of this. What can I do to overcome this problem with my reputation? (kkoenig)

ANSWER:    Surgical tubing, duct tape, and a collection receptacle (garbage bag, bookbag, a bag made out of more duct tape, etc)


QUESTION:    Hey Skippy, Hows your mum? (howsyourmum)

ANSWER:    I wish I new. We lost her in the electronics department of Sears back in '96.  If you can read this Mom, we miss you.  Come home soon!  And uh, bring us a TV...


QUESTION:   I'm attracted to a guy that belong to the same organization I do. I think he feels the same way but he's not showing that he's interested as I am. I will see him this weekend but I'm tired of waiting for him to approach me.
what should I do? (LaToya Green)

ANSWER:    I recommend going to your favorite fast- or medium-food restaurant and ordering a giant-sized cup of ice.


QUESTION:   I wanted to know I am addicted to eating ice. What are the implications of me doing so? (LaToya Green)

ANSWER:    Ice parasites.   Caution: they're voracious.


QUESTION:   what is a winged tubbie? (ArizonaGP)

ANSWER:    What, fat guys can't be angels too?   Tell that to the people at Victoria's just can't get a quality size 88E for my cousin Sam these days.


QUESTION:   Nice web page. You're pretty sick, huh? A few questions: 
1) How do the monkeys get in the barrel?
2) Do you think they meant more fun than putting a bunch of monkeys in a barrel? I bet there are a lot of things more fun than that.
3) Do they make barrels of monkeys available to the general public? If so, I'd like to get one.
4) If it's supposed to be a standard of measurement, why don't they have more barrels of monkeys for everyone to see?
5) If you had a barrel of monkeys, do you think it would be more or less fun than a barrel of donkeys? (Jamie Coughlin)

ANSWER:    1) Cheese.  And lots of it.  The orange kind.  2) You really should try it.  It's now my prime form of entertainment.  3) Not after the "incident" of '85.  4) They do.  Freeze-dried in the U.S. Mint of Detroit.  5) No.  Donkeys ate all my cheese.


QUESTION:    how come when , in the movie forest gump, lt dan slides down the ramp.And when I sid my friend in a chair down a ramp she didn't go very far and fell.  it was funny but it made me think (Atris DA)

ANSWER:    Being legless and cranky, Lt. Dan developed a keen sense of balance.  Next time, I recommend practicing from a straighter incline, such as jumping directly off of a medium sized office complex.  Wear a funny hat.

Amused?  Ask a question!

--> Click here for some odd random phrases that people have used to find this page <--

<--Back to Ask Skippy!