Ask Skippy

Ask Skippy

Questions and Answers

Archive Six

(127 Q and A's)

Packed with sugar for energy!


QUESTION:     I'm writting these words because I want to know how long does it take you to write an answer. Well?  (Sergey)

ANSWER:   What about a well?  Did you fall down one as a child?  I spent over 7 years in one, existing only on natural mosses and small rodents.  That probably explains a lot, such as why it takes me a few days to answer these questions.


QUESTION:     Is the world round?  (Bill & Kathy Wallace)

ANSWER:   Look, I know Mother Nature has been letting herself go recently, but that's no reason to start making fat jokes.   It was just Mother's Day for cryin' out loud; have some respect. 


QUESTION:     Skippy,am I a Dork?  (Bill & Kathy Wallace)

ANSWER:   That depends.  It sounds like you need Dr. Skippy's Home Nerdocity Test.   Step 1:  Check the rim of your pants.  Are there any vertical belt-like attachments (commonly known as "suspenders")?  Step 2:  Now check the face.  If you were to throw a fist sized rock at your eyes, would it first be stopped by inch thick lab goggles before inflicting a deep, gushing wound?  If you answered yes to any of the above, I'm afraid you're a dork.  Please check yourself into your local Dork Home and have them administer emergency shots of adrenaline.


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, Is it better to eat fewer calories, or to exercise more?  (Danibobanny)

ANSWER:   This depends on your goals, Danny.  If you are going for that hideously-obese look, this would definitely not be the proper route to take.  Instead, I recommend limiting your diet to a steady intravenous supply of rich creamery butter.  Pork fat can be substituted in emergency situations.


QUESTION:     Why do cows lay down before it rains? Should I go out with Adam?  Please reply QUICK!!!!! As I'm sure you can tell, I'm desperate for an answer!!!!!!!!!  (Klassique)

ANSWER:   The only thing you're desperate for, Klassique, is some exclamation point pointers!  (<-- note the strategic use of a single "!" for emphasis)


QUESTION:     Hey skippy, if do you have a recipe for home made candycanes I really want one but they stopped selling them like 2 months ago!  (Jodi Whetung)

ANSWER:   Not only do I know how, but I've added a page with the special recipe!


QUESTION:     Why does Celion Dion's heart must go on?? Why does she suck? For a while there they played that song every 20 minutes or so. It was like, "Hey is that Celion again, Oh the muffins are ready."  Come on no one wants to hear her whiny little anorexic voice anymore.  She has to be stopped.  (Lola46)

ANSWER:   I'm afraid that even strangulation wouldn't help in Celion's case, as she is a full-fledged robot.  Man, I sure did love all those muffins though.  I just started tossing stuff into the mix after awhile.  Beets, corn, anything I could find...and you don't even WANT to know what the "blue" muffins were made of!  (Okay, you guessed it: Smurfs.   They pop when ya cook 'em though, spilling their creamy insides all over for a tasty, lip-smacking treat!)


QUESTION:     where are you going for spring break, huh huh huh?? (lola46)

ANSWER:   Actually, I was thinking of going to Australia.


QUESTION:     why must I collect toenails for the toenail fairy?? Why was I picked??  (LOla46)

ANSWER:   I think a better question in this case is why do you keep picking at your feet?  Man, did you ever just spend the whole day just picking at your feet and eating corn on the cob without washing your hands all day long?  I know KFC talks about its 11 herbs and spices, but they ain't got nothin' on a little feet seasoning.


QUESTION:     To skippy!  Why does Mr. John always have the same facial expression? Has he had a face lift? (jacc)

ANSWER:   Actually, he received a process similar to a face lift, only somewhat different.  It's called a "face straightening."  Every morning after a hearty breakfast of cheese, Mr. John applies several coats of rubber cement to his facial regions.  Within minutes, his face is stiff as a board, as well as protected from harmful UVA and UVB rays. Fist sized rocks (see above) even bounce right off!


QUESTION:     Skippy, (if that is indeed your Christian name) what are your feelings about linoleum? I understand if this subject is of too personal a nature to be answered on a public site. (Remus)

ANSWER:   I prefer my linoleum with peanut butter and a light dusting of soy sauce.  On special occasions, I add those little paper umbrellas.


QUESTION:     1. Why are the little green communists salvaging my toes? Please make then stop.  2. Will Naked Boy be elected President in 2000? I think he would do very well.  (Crabby14)

ANSWER:   Hey, we all know the rules.   Repeat it with me now, "If my feet fall off in international waters, and I do not make attempts to rescue them within 24 hours, my feet can legally be salvaged by all comers.  Even communists."  As far as Naked Boy goes, I asked Bob Dole about it and he told me, "Bob Dole thinks that Bob Dole cannot put added pressure on Bob Dole's body to run again in 2000."  He will still be appearing naked in television ads for Pepsi, Pepto Bismol, and the milk counsel.


QUESTION:     Why do the people at the mall think we are "gangs"? Its called a bunch of kids. And tell those bastards that we don't think we could have stolen things out of their cars if they had alarms. We're not that smart. Sheesh. (tracey)

ANSWER:   Don't worry Tracey, I have no doubt as to your stupidity.  However, a reasonable course of action would be to form an actual gang.  Then you can rent out the arcade for butt-kickin' parties with all your mall friends, not to mention the added bonus of group discounts at the Gangs-R-Us Straight-Up-Whack-Clothin' Shack.


QUESTION:     OHHHH MY GOD!! Ahem - I am the one who calls himself Batman - perhaps I shouldn't have given you that long of a question? what did i do to deserve THIS?!?! Now you realize that she might stalk me again!?!?! She did that over the summer between 7th and 8th grade! I'm serious! And I finally got myself a girlfriend - I don't need her bugging me! AHHH!! I asked for this. I think I'm going to go burn my bat socks... *shudder* Please do anything to make her go away - tell her I'm gay for all I care at this point. She probably thinks I am anyway. I'm gonna go now... Alfred? Get me my Bat-gun....
(- Batman.. a very sad Batman indeed...)

ANSWER:   Don't worry everyone.   The Batman questions will now end.  Batman has just been ritualistically slaughtered by Richard Simmons and a gang of heavily obese dancers.


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy- Now that Tracey and Derek (Batman) are engaged, is it a private party or can I join in too? Is Batman up for a threesome?  (Kelly)

ANSWER:   See above.  And while you're at it, could you clean up the floor?  There's blood everywhere.


QUESTION:     are you gay skippy and have u ever had a bird girlfriend!  (benny)

ANSWER:   Ah young misguided Benny, you remind me of that guy I stabbed to death with a sharpened Pez dispenser in Tijuana last week.  Except last week = tomorrow.  And that guy = you.  :)


QUESTION:     why o why do the facist pigs make me get up so early? (tracey)

ANSWER:   Tracey, you have to set goals for yourself.  You're never going to climb the barnyard status ladder by hanging out with the cows til 3am every night.  Start small.  Kiss up to a few chickens here and there.  Slip the horses a carrot every once in a while.  Soon you'll be in control of the whole barnyard system and eating delectable pork dinners every Thursday.


QUESTION:     Skippy, are you cute?  (sue minturn)

ANSWER:   Well that depends.  Do you mean "people cute" or "muskrat cute?"  I'm a real lady killer among the muskrats, let me tell ya. 


QUESTION:     Recently while watching Star Trek: voyager it suddenly became very apparent that the crew has been wasting away in the delta quadrant for no reason at all. You see, the crew is comprised of humans therefore food replicators were installed throughout the ship. These replicators are capable of creating many wonder culinary delights but can be configured to replicate anything desired. So, why doesn't the usually intelligent crew replicate themselves a "transwarp fish stick". With such a device the crew could easily send messages to the alpha quadrant and back. Not only are "transwarp fish sticks" extremely fast but they are also impervious to attacks from the meddling borg. If a borg tried to assimilate the fascistic the result would be a deep-fried borg cube (which could then be sold to Red Lobster at a huge profit) To not employ this solution defies logic. Perhaps you can shed some light on this situation.  (dowlerd)

ANSWER:   They may be fast, and they may be capable of stunning evasive maneuvers, but let me tell you:  those things can really wreak havoc on your digestive system.  I was snacking on a few of those "transwarp fish sticks" just the other day when all of a sudden my stomach started groaning and I blacked out.  I woke up about 4.5 light years away.  Take it from me, that's no easy hike.  I had to buy several new pairs of sneakers along the way at the Galactic Foot Locker Huts.


QUESTION:     Is my name really bob? Why? (I think my name is BOB)

ANSWER:   You seem to have gotten your name confused.  It's not really Bob.  It's actually the reverse of Bob.  Do you feel better now, boB? 


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy:  At work recently, I was designing a test actuation switchbox using debouncing buffer circuitry and an electronic load bank for the exciter field, and I started wondering why I can't dislodge this popcorn from between my teeth. What's the exact tongue-to-gum torque ratio required for such an act?  (Cindy Long)

ANSWER:   Actually I don't recommend using gum.  It's very ineffective.  Try something sharper, like the edge of a television.


QUESTION:     Who had given you such a funny name?  (Natasha V.)

ANSWER:   Probably the same people that gave you such a short last name.  Can I call you V?  Or is that reserved just for formal occasions?  (i.e. cleaning the air ducts, removing ticks from the cat, etc.)


QUESTION:     I don't have a question. i just wanted to tell you that you are a very famous man{if thats what you are, not to imply that you're not if you are} at my school. we praise your words. and i don't want to get the bottlecaps removed. (tracey)

ANSWER:   I'm sorry Tracey, but the bottlecaps must go.  Otherwise the infection may spread, and we will be forced to remove your face.  Dreadfully sorry, dear.


QUESTION:     What year will I get married? (Ann Slaughter)

ANSWER:   It's not so much the year that matters, it's what you'll serve at the reception.  I've been working in my basement labs and I'm happy to report that I finally perfected the recipe for a wedding cake made 87% out of Tang.  Not only will the guests all love the invigoratingly orange taste, but they'll all feel like astronauts.  Dig in!


QUESTION:     Dear skippy how is it that most people make fun of ohters that say that the world is going to end in the year 2000 and then they start making calls to be shure that everything they own is Y2K complient.(acrb)

ANSWER:   I don:t knohe waht the preblom is reelly, but it seems to b affekting my spell check.  Aparentli it's affeckting yours as well.


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, Have you ever spent 7 hours looking for scholarships on the "request" of a parent?(i.e Harping, Threats, and the usual "Sit down or I'll kill the bunny" routine). If you have, what does one do when they don't find one? And if you haven't, what is the best way to move faster then the speed of light? I tried the subway, but I think it just isn't the same anymore. (MasterSet)

ANSWER:   I recommend inventing a scholarship of your own.  I gave myself a grant from "The Biscuit Foundation."  I told my parents that I won it due to my entry in a bake-off.   I made my specialty Tang wedding cake.  (see above)  I have to ship my mother a carton of biscuits every week to keep the cover going.  But it's worth it.  P.S. I steal the biscuits.


QUESTION:     Yeah, Skippy do you know anything about horses? My horse is being a real bitch lately. Is it just that time of the month or something? Skippy, if I drop you off of a building and drop a feather at the same time, which will reach the ground at the first?  (Thomas Clupper)

ANSWER:   It sounds to me that you haven't been paying much attention to her lately.  Remember, it's also about the flowers and candy and sweet little notes.  Remind her how much you care, then the sweet, sweet lovin' will return.  At the first of what?  The hour?  The month?  The chair on which I place my cornucopia of Smurf action figurines?


QUESTION:     What is the most productive and fun way to wax my beautiful new car? (Kristina Elizabeth Granby)

ANSWER:   I recommend using a soft cloth and a jar of rich, creamy peanut butter.  Not only does it shine up nicely, but it also gives you that glossy tan hue that everyone will be talking about in the morning.   Don't worry if it rains the next day, the peanut butter wax isn't going anywhere baby!   The natural peanut oil also helps in the fight against rust.  It also makes your car interior reek of stale peanuty goodness.


QUESTION:     Why do cattle lie down when there's a storm coming? Cows do it, bulls do it, buffalo do it, even oxen do it. But WHY?!!!  (Charles Richardson)

ANSWER:   Probably so that when Farmer Bill comes out yelling, "Hey all you farm animals, be careful, I reckon there's a storm brewing," he is the tallest and thus, is also the one that the lightning hits. 


QUESTION:     Why is having a pet skunk illegal in Maryland, even though skunks to be sold as pets have their stink glands surgically removed? I hear they're no worse than ferrets, so why ban them as pets? Rabies...or something else?  (Charles Richardson)

ANSWER:   Actually, they ban them due to fear that the skunks will decimate the local crab population.  Have you ever seen a skunk eat a crab?  It's not pretty.  They don't just use their teeth, they bring their own tiny forks and mallets.  They also make a heck of a mess.  Crab shells everywhere!


QUESTION:     Why do wolves have such funny-looking tails?  (Charles Richardson)

ANSWER:   Hey, be nice!  I'm sure that wolves look at you all the time and ask each other, "Momma wolf, why does Charles Richardson have such a large forehead that the sun reflects off of and starts fires" and "Daddy wolf, why does Charles Richardson have such hairy feet?"


QUESTION:     hi skippy! i was wondering sometimes after i get out of my pool i have this green gunk stuck under my fingernails and in between my toes how do i get rid or it?  (Tracy)

ANSWER:   Sounds like you need the help of leeches.  Yes, leeches.  The medical wonder drug of the 1800's.   Leeches can not only clean the gunk from under your nails, but can also rid you of "bad blood" and "evil spirits."  Order your leeches today!


QUESTION:     what does moohaha mean?  (Jodi Whetung)

ANSWER:   It's usually what the cows say right before they crush your skull and have a cookout.  A vegetarian cookout of course.  They just wanted to get rid of you first.


QUESTION:    will jason go out with me?  (anie)

ANSWER:   Who do I look like Dr. Laura Schlesinger?  No seriously, do I look like her?  I hope not.  I would have to take my own life.  Either that, or scrape off my face with the closest sharp metal object I find.


QUESTION:     dear skippy, what are your thoughts on using lesbian tactis to get guys? A friend and I pretend to be lesbians and it works. We get guys comong up to us and hitting on us. My friend and I beleive that it is in the guy pychy that making lesbians straight is a conquest. tell me your thoughts. (Bob Martin)

ANSWER:   You pretend to be a lesbian, Bob?  That sounds like one heck of a "tactis."  You probably own so much makeup that people at the bar refer to you and say, "Maybe he's born with it.   Maybe it's Bob." 


QUESTION:     "Why have the satan-spawn giants stepped on my puppy?"  (Huskydeath)

ANSWER:  I'm thinking you brought this one on yourself with the whole "death" in the name thing.


QUESTION:     Was that plane made out of Bob's back hair?  (Huskydeath)

ANSWER:   Does the plane smell like Pert Plus?  If it does, it may have been Lesbian Bob!  He shampoos his back twice a day.  Except on Thursdays.  That's when he thinks up new "tactis."


QUESTION:     Why do fools fall in love?  (RBoisj3435)

ANSWER:   Why do fools write lame questions?  I guess we'll never know, eh Bois?


QUESTION:     So, Mr. "Skippy" (as if that really is your name), I have some questions for you. First, what is the average velocity of an unladen swallow? Next, does the school put up filters? Do they think we're a bunch of little specks of germy things?  And finally, where were you the night of April 28, 1997? I think that you are actually my long lost brother, Skipper. Skipper, come home! I think that it's been long enough. Mom doesn't remember the Kool Aid-Jell-o-Spam-Cement-Mixer Incident.  (ElkaBera)

ANSWER:   I was finally able to catch one of those swallows the other day.  And upon weighing it I noticed that it had the same weight as a certain British comedy troop from the early 80's.  And as far as the brother thing goes, I'm sorry to say that it's not me.  That was the night I made a giant pyramid out of used golf carts.  Well, they weren't really used, but it's not like I stole them or anything.  Ok, I stole them.  Are you happy now?


QUESTION:     SKIPPY? are you there? my mother will not stop her incisive rhyming. its drives me crazy, should i make her eat the moldy cheese or what? (tracey)

ANSWER:   Your question I don't understand, so I suggest you chew your hand.


QUESTION:     Why do potato chips get smaller the farther down the bag you eat? Are they the runts? Do their mothers want to get them out of the way? Or for that matter did their mothers smoke when they ( the mothers) were pregnant? Does this adversely affect their sex life? Am I allowed to ask this many questions? What do your feet smell like? Am I just a lonely person craving attention on the net? Do I need counselling? Do the potato chips at the bottom of the bag need counselling? What about their mothers? please answer as we are two very confused individuals. (Sincerely Jennifer and Dice)

ANSWER:   To me, potato chips are a lot like keys.  I'm always searching for that perfectly shaped chip, one that will open the door to my personal land of bliss where I control all the giant ants.  P.S. I am rich there.


QUESTION:     How do you become a movie star??????? (Mick Gage)

ANSWER:   Well, the path to stardom is a long and torturous one.  Did you know that Hollywood greats Kirk Cameron and Ralph Machio got their starts while working in an underground cave?  Even minors need entertainment deep in their personal coal-laden pits of despair.  Kirk and Ralph both provided sanity-ensuring entertainment with their juggling talents.  They were soon discovered and became the stars that they are today.  Give it a shot, this is your path to greatness!


QUESTION:     o wise skippy, why can't my friends just all be friends? (Crabby14)

ANSWER:   Because if they were, why would we have any need for pants?  Think of what the loss of pants would bring.   No more khakis, no more jeans, no more annoying Old Navy commercials with that old woman that is slowly rotting before our very eyes.  Wait, come to think of it maybe we'd be better off...


QUESTION:    Whenever I make out with my boyfriend, my tongue shrinks, why is that? (SaELa1029)

ANSWER:   This is probably due to a lack of pop rocks in your diet.  I recommend eating a gallon or so every morning.   It helps make everything "shinier."  Even my feet!


QUESTION:     How long is a battleship? True or False?  (Dorothy Illges)

ANSWER:   That depends entirely on its weight.


QUESTION:     I was listening to a song on my way to work this morning, and I heard the following line:   "You got the Hooch, you got the freshie-freshie, you got the only sweetest thing in the world."  What, pray tell, is "the hooch," or "the freshie-freshie?" Are these new virus strains? How do I protect myself if they are?   (James Valentine)

ANSWER:   Worry not, faithful reader.   Both the Hooch and the Freshie-Freshie are leprechauns here to bring us happiness, smiles, freshly cooked Eggo waffles, and friendship.  And the sweetest thing in the world?  The syrup.


QUESTION:     why do lucky robots were steel underware do you know any more cool websites? (Jdeez311)

ANSWER:   Proper spelling of the word "wear":  0/2. 
                     Number of correct English sentences:  0. 
                     Thanks for playing our game!


QUESTION:     What is a chiffarobe? "It is in To Kill A Mockingbird"  (David Jack)

ANSWER:   A chiffarobe is a small African weasel indigenous to eastern Europe.  It is approximately two meters in length with very sharp teeth and an orange tail.  It enjoys moonlit walks on the beach, picnics in the park, and dancing the night away.  Hobbies include checkers, listening to gangster rap, and bringing swift, cruel death to mockingbirds.


QUESTION:     how does that niftyness come out of your ears? (tracey)

ANSWER:   Usually in spurts, sometimes wrapped in a rubberized shell.  Ouch.


QUESTION:     dear skippy : what color prom dress should I get? Is it acceptable to dye my date to match it? (twinkie)

ANSWER:   Purple is all the rage this season.  Just ask the fashion authority of the world:  The Gap.  They always tell me the current styles and what is "hip."  And while I don't recommend dying your date to match your dress, I do recommend dying your feet.  That way, you don't need to wear uncomfortable shoes and you still match perfectly!


QUESTION:     Skippy:, What is the shelf life of Campbell's "Bean with Bacon" soup.  I have had a can of this soup since 1967. Is it still good, or what?  (Hondo)

ANSWER:   Actually it's the same as the career life of Kevin Bacon.  Oddly enough, he was born in 1967 too!  (And judging by his current lack of blockbuster roles, your soup is probably very rancid by now.)


QUESTION:     Do you pledge you life in the fight against squirrels for the tree rat is an eveil creature bent on world domination?  (Jill Bock)

ANSWER:   No.  I spend far too much time at the Kool-Aid Man Fan Conventions to have time for that.  Sorry.   But if it makes you feel any better, I now have over 375 different "Kool-Aid Man Krazy Kool Pitchers!"


QUESTION:     Skippy, why don't you answer our question? (Sincerely Jennifer and Dice)

ANSWER:   I've been seriously considering it for the last few days, but everytime I notice your friend's name is Dice, I always go back to my incessant gambling.  They're really gonna break my knees next week if I don't win back all the novelty ties I lost at the game last week.


QUESTION:     If i ask you a question will you answer it? ( Corporate )

ANSWER:   Maybe.  Do I get to wear my special hat?  Mom said I get to wear my special hat!


QUESTION:     What do you think will come of Y2K? (adam frank)

ANSWER:   Well, I think a better question to ask is "What does John think will come of Y2K?"  You can find the answer in the same place that over 16,000 people have so far.  Click here to read Article 13.


QUESTION:     Where, exactly, is the center of the universe?  (Rolland B.)

ANSWER:   It is located precisely in the middle of God's left pinky toe.  Let's just hope He stops playing so much soccer.   I'd hate for our universe to break.


QUESTION:     Not to say that this really happened, but if I wore yellow spandex pants to my prom, and I wore a kilt going home from the prom, and then woke up with a hangover in a motel room some twenty miles away from my home wearing neither, where did I leave the yellow spandex pants?  (Rolland B.)

ANSWER:   Those are your spandex pants?  I thought that one of the members of the Scandinavian Limerick Club left them here.  I'm not responsible for all those stains though.  That's your business.   And where the heck did you leave my kilt?  I need it for next week's Scottish dancing competition.


QUESTION:     These questions are from my friend, who does not have home access to the o great niftyness, but is a true fan of your page. You know, I have forgotten these questions, do you know what they are? do you know my friend? (tracey)

ANSWER:   Is your friend about 5'8" with shoulder length red hair? I hope it is because maybe you can get them to stop sleeping on my couch.  Please come pick her up.  Her constant yodeling in Spanish is really starting to irk me.


QUESTION:     Hola Skippy, It is me Lola46 AGAIN!! Hehe. Well I recently got a new Puppy( I named him Dakota), Anyways, why does he feel the need to eat used up Kleenex® tissues?? Is he addicted to my snot or something?? (Lola46)

ANSWER:   It sounds that way...just watch yourself.  If he starting yelling and demanding for more and more, while growing to insane sizes (ie Little Shop of Horrors style), call the Navy.


QUESTION:     Skippy, am i gonna go out with Julien? (Sab)

ANSWER:   Julien, the guy that sells coffee from deep inside his pants on South St?  Or do you mean Julien, the guy that is constantly dumping glasses of grape juice on his scalp to keep it moist?


QUESTION:     What is a Chiffarobe as writen in To Kill A Mockingbird. (2mongo)

ANSWER:   A Chiffarobe is a small, pointly metal trap, usually employed in the killing of mockingbirds.


QUESTION:     skippy?   why did you do it huh?  i mean, what did those poor platapuses do to deserve it? (Logan Calahan)

ANSWER:   They took the prank too far.   When I saw what they did to my car, I just lost it.  The smells took weeks to remove.


QUESTION:     What happens when you get in a completely sealed off area and mix ammonia and bleach?   (Logan Calahan)

ANSWER:   You gain superhuman strength and lightning speed.  Go try it.  Be sure to leave a note for others :)


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, when is derek going to die? Does batman die? Or am I going first?  please, I'd rather go first. (Crabby14)

ANSWER:   Batman can only be killed by the spear of injustice.  That, or if those gangsters ever realize they could just SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE where his cowl doesn't protect him....stupid gangsters...


QUESTION:     Where do teachers go when they aren't teaching? I always thought they just scuttled off into the air ducts of the school building, but perhaps they dissipate into the atmosphere.

ANSWER:   Usually they go home and try to forget all he high-pitched whining.  That's when they take all the drugs.   But hey, it beats being a postal worker.  They just walk into a library and start choking people.  It's fun to watch.


QUESTION:     I was born with an extra X chromosome. How can I get rid of it?  Thanks, Perry

ANSWER:   Sounds like you need an anti-X drug, or an ex-X if you will.  I recommend eating your weight in butter, every day for a month.


QUESTION:     What causes LuckyB to toss his own salad so often??? (Atwood)

ANSWER:   When you have tomatoes as ripe as his, you have to keep using them or they'll go to waste.


QUESTION:     Salutations, Nifty Overlord.  My superiors at work won't give me the budget to buy things I need to complete jobs they want me to do. Should I kill them?  Should I turn them into poopoo? Should I... what should I do?  (Mr Sparkle)

ANSWER:   Ah-so, Mr. Sparkle!   Clean soiled workers!  Fresh smell and glow shine!  Scrub angry evil dirt from pants!  Hard work better work, fire bad buy good clean!  Mr. Sparkle!


QUESTION:     hi.. uh.. ya.  ok.. you know in orange juice, there's all those floating things that sink to the bottom and then you have to like mix the orange juice back up again so they're not at the bottom anymore? ok.. well then if they sink, how come they're called floaties?? (mlich)

ANSWER:   Mine don't sink.  Then again, I add salt.  Then again, it's not orange juice, it's steak.


QUESTION:     Do I smell pregnancy in here, or is it just Steven? (the Great Vishnu)

ANSWER:   No, it's just my feet.   Sorry, my magical lucky shoes do reek a little now and then.


QUESTION:     skippy.. if i were i chicken, what colour chicken would i be? i used to think green.. but then my mommy told me there's no such thing as a green chicken.. so i guess i could ask you: is there really such thing as a green chicken?? One more thing, if you fell on a plunger, how much would it hurt??  thanks skippy, yer the best! (mlich)

ANSWER:   I like to spray-paint squirrels orange.  It really livens up the forest.  I mean c'mon Mother Nature, what's up with all the subdued earth tones?  Spice it up a bit!


QUESTION:     Skippy, Hello my name is Tracy and I am having this little problem with my life. I don't think that my boy-friend loves me as much as he says he does can you help me.  Thank you sooooooo much (Tracy)

ANSWER:   It sounds like you have osteoporosis.  It's common in women and is caused by lack of calcium in your diet.   Remember: no one likes a girl that breaks all the time.  Drink more milk and watch the love come flowin' in!  Unless you're lactose-intolerant, in which case it will come flowing out.  Yuck.


QUESTION:  WHy can't I have sex with Barbara Walters...?  (JKBdiver)

ANSWER:   Because Drew Carry is a very protective man.  He may appear short and sloth-like, but he is actually quite nimble and likes to bite people.


QUESTION:     why for the love of god do dogs hump blankets?!?!?!?!  (tara)

ANSWER:   It's probably because of that sunshine-fresh bear Snuggle in all the commercials.  Admit, he is one sexy little stuffed bear.  Mmmm--MMPH!


QUESTION:     What is a superHydrolicSwimingBomb-YellowDuckBird thingy????? oh yea, and what is e-mail? i never could figure that out.  (Tara)

ANSWER:   E-mail is the medium across which electricity flows.  To test it out, grab a fork.  Now duct tape it to your wrist.  Then insert it into an electrical outlet.  Feel that?  That's email!


QUESTION:     At a recent trip to a nudist campground, I became aware of the difficulty of not having pockets in which to carry things. I noticed that some campers chose to wear a "fanny pack" strapped around the waist in order to solve this problem. Is this proper? Or should one carry around a bag instead? Would a man carrying a bag in such circumstances be
breaking the social code of men not using purses? (Rob Black)

ANSWER:   I don't like fanny packs.   Instead, I bring along my friend Moe who is horribly obese.  We store things in his rolls of fat.  From lunch to car keys, we just say "cram it into Moe's fat rolls!"  The best part is that it creates a waterproof seal.  Even after a long day of swimming naked, our sandwiches are still fresh!


QUESTION:     will the furbies take us over? again? (tracey)

ANSWER:   No.  The regularly scheduled takeover of the planet will be seen next week, to make room for a very special episode of "Bill Cosby is very old and might die right on TV!"  Pudding pops anyone?  (Actually, I saw Cosby live last semester.  He's a very funny man.   Let's hope he DOESN'T die.)


QUESTION:     hi skippy! u make me sad! i sent u questions and u didn't use them how come? (Sailrmar23)

ANSWER:   Sometime I just print them all out, add saliva, and make a paper nest to sleep in.  Sorry.


QUESTION:     Is this on? I'd like a big mac and a thing that does that funny noise, you know, "ZOUI ZO ZOUI". And make it big sized.  Hello? (Serge Benard)

ANSWER:   No, it's not on.  We had to turn it off after all the accidental finger slicing.  Whine whine whine..."Oh no, my finger, it's gone and bleeding oh no help me blah blah blah..."  People have no threshold for pain these days, I tell ya.  Oh, and we're out of fries.


QUESTION:     Skippy, I'm planning summerholidays. I wanna visit this island, I believe it's called Gilligans island or whatever. I will be leaving the spanisch coast. Can you give me a description to get there??? (lo' o' lov' Twixo)

ANSWER:   No one is allowed to stay on the island overnight anymore, but we do offer an option.  Well, it's a three hour tour, followed by cocktails, a platter of shrimp, and a free punch in the face by Gilligan himself.  Sometimes Mrs. Howle substitutes.



ANSWER:   Great.  Now they let the idiots on the 'net.  That's it, pack the bags, I'm leaving.  Has anyone seen my socks?


QUESTION:     Can God make a boulder so big that even He couldn't pick it up? (Laurie H. Adams)

ANSWER:   Once I woke up with a booger in my nose that was so big I couldn't lift up my head.  P.S. I'm glad it wasn't a boulder.


QUESTION:     if a man stepped on a rabbit in mid-air; what kind of occupation would that man have?  (Logan Calahan)

ANSWER:   He would probably be that guy at my local appliance store who walks around petting the blenders and the microwaves.   He's crazy.  He calls them all "Steve."


QUESTION:     Dear hater of jif, Did you really lose otto's and my questions, or did you just not want to answer 28 questions all at twice? You and what's-her-name should get married, then you can make your little brother the ring bearer and he could
be made fun of. Or you could just get engaged for 7 years and when people ask you "are you two ever getting married?" you can say "no, we enjoy the sex too much". Or you could just answer our questions. Thank You (Matt)

ANSWER:   Sure, but we do have space constraints.  To simplify, here are your answers:  Q#1-9:  consult a doctor on these and future sores.  Q#10-13:  I found mine under the couch.  Try looking there.  Q#14-23:  No.  Q#24:  Yes.  Q#25-28:  No.


QUESTION:     does everyone named philip love horses? (John D. Hatjopoulos)

ANSWER:   This dates back to the early Greeks, when everyone realized the name Philip was really a pansy name.


QUESTION:     (1) Hey, how are you skippy?  (2) How come the last questions that you put on your page had really
boring answers? (meghan pierce)

ANSWER:   I'm feeling partly cloudy with a chance of showers on Wednesday.  As far as the answers go, it sounds like you have a problem with your hardware.  Not your computer hardware, your cranial hardware.  Give it a few hard whacks like you would give a TV that had bad reception.


QUESTION:     My sister's pancreas is attacking the city again. How do I stop it? (Louis Deis)

ANSWER:   My doctor said Mylanta.


QUESTION:     Do ducks hear and how do they hear? (Marg5493)

ANSWER:   They hear through tiny holes in their feet.  Actually, that's not true.  Ducks don't have feet.  So I guess what I really mean is that ducks hear through their ankles.


QUESTION:     AHAHAAHA!!! I'm sorry - but I have to thank you from the bottom of my heart. For posting that I am indeed Batman to our dear (yet extremely deluded) friend Tracey. She is also the impatient one with the ingredients to ward off
fairies. Could you do me ONE more favor?? Tell her I WILL NOT marry her. And i DID NOT have her children (she really seems to think I did) I can be patient - unlike her, and I would wait for just about forever for you to post that on your page. Thanks. P.S. Of COURSE you can borrow the BatZamboni to get yourself some ICE!!!  ANYTHING for a friend like you Skippy!! I'll let you borrow some of my gadgets for the party too. The BatTazer wil also come in handy if Tracey shows up.
(Derek - but some people know me as Batman)  Edit this as you see fit - I'm askin' for it aren't I? (PsykoC77)

ANSWER:   Attention Tracey:   Batman is madly in love with you and wishes you would come over and do his laundry (Batman loves when people touch his bat-socks).


QUESTION:     hhhmmm, well since derek's batman i have to marry him now. why won't he?  (tracey)

ANSWER:   See above.  Bring your own detergent.


QUESTION:     Why does my father such a dork? It's like, whenever I have any friends over, he'll pop his head in occasionally and say something stupid and pointless. Is he programmed to torment me or something? (Shane)

ANSWER:   Actually he was programmed to make ice.  Sounds like a call to Maytag is in order here.  Tell them to bring the "big pliers."


QUESTION:    How do you pronounce John's last name? (Tetebooger)

ANSWER:   <Cheek pop> Geut-iopot-<clicking noise> JingleDulk <Monkey screech> Heart.


QUESTION:     Does Blue from blue's clues have rabies, and did steve (who is gay) OD on crystal meth? (Bryan)

ANSWER:   No, but realizing he is two dimensional really bums him out sometimes.  He also gets kind of bummed out when Steve tries to dress him up in a purple velvet muumuu.


QUESTION:     I know i asked too many questions. but now that you told derek that he is batman, well derek thinks that its funny that i was wrong and he was right. so then tell me whats the one fault of being batman? (tracey)

ANSWER:   Tracey, this is your parents.  Please drop the Batman fetish and come home.  Your dog misses you.


QUESTION:     HEY SKIPPY i have two question. Number one How do they get the caramel into the caramilk bar.  and number two. If they don't want yoiu to drinke and drive why do you need a drivers license to by beer. Thats it ccol page (curt)

ANSWER:   Remember kids, you too can prevent tragedies like these with only a simple click of the spell check button.  (A grammar check wouldn't hurt either.)


QUESTION:     why can't i ever just sit down and do my work without getting side-tracked by things like sixdegrees, niftyness, and laim-e?   (Dewey caron)

ANSWER:   No wonder you can't get any work done: you're freezing!  Who could possibly do calculus when it was six degrees in the room?  Put on a sweater or something!


QUESTION:     Oh Skippy, Great Source of all Knowledge & of Natural Gas:  What's with that toupee on top of William Shatner's head? Or maybe it's not a toupee at all...maybe it's a slowly maturing water buffalo with the heartbreak of psoriasis. Well? Is it?  (Cindy Long)

ANSWER:   No, I'm afraid it's a miniature production facility for the cherry Sweet-Tarts.  Ever notice how they have that extra "tang" taste?  There's your answer!


QUESTION:     Have you ever had that dream where you are standing on a hillside wearing Greco-Roman robes while millions of grateful, humble citizens pay homage to you by pelting you with roses and cash? And when you wake up you have to find a way to climb out of the dumpster?   (Cindy Long)

ANSWER:   Sadly, no.  My most common dream is the one where I am selling hot-dog necklaces at the ski-slope.  You would think business would be slow, but in the dream people line up for miles, just to wear my beef-flavored neck attire.  It's very stressful.


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, I am 15 and a half and was recently involved this weekend with some one 18 years old. Is it illegal if we didn't have s*x? Is it still statatory rape?  Write Back.   (Confused about the law)

ANSWER:   You're in luck!  The law does NOT use the often-applied rule of "One human year = seven dog years."   You probably have a bad case of dog-biscuit breath, though.


QUESTION:     Dear fried skippy on a stick, what fruity flavored, neon green, scratch and sniff hippoes??? (my name isn't bob)

ANSWER:   Error.  Incomplete question.   Cannot compute.  Alternative response: Untying of all shoelaces: Commencing.   Running.  Running.  Running.  Finishing.  Action Complete.   Please enter next command:_______


QUESTION:    Who cares? (Logan Calahan)

ANSWER:   Certainly not Puff Daddy.   That thief.


QUESTION:     Hey Skippy!  I need the recipe for home-made POP-ROCKS....Can you help me?  (Dan)

ANSWER:   Sure thing Dan!  First, head out into the street and fill a small bag with gravel (or "tiny stones" for all you scientists out there).  Next, soak them in melted butter for 48 hours.   Now add flavoring of your choice and freeze.  After they are completely frozen, allow them to thaw.  Enjoy!  (Warning: the above recipe may be hazardous to people with "wimpy teeth."  Like scientists.)


QUESTION:     When they do the CAT scan on my head what will they find?  (tracey)

ANSWER:   87 cents in small change, several Yoo-hoo bottlecaps, an empty paper towel roll, and several small puppies.  You may want to have them remove the bottlecaps.


QUESTION:     What is a hobo?  (guest)

ANSWER:   It's the new dishwasher from Maytag that runs entirely on creamed corn and peas!


QUESTION:     What's the average rainfall in the amazon basin?  (Cheeks3724)

ANSWER:   A little over 100 inches.   But the average monkeyfall in he amazon basin is in the thousands.  They really have to stop eating those orange berries.  But it sure is fun to watch them plummet to the ground!


QUESTION:     Why did my urine just smell like popcorn?  (Tetebooger)

ANSWER:   It's probably due to the fact that you survive on nothing but popcorn and glasses of nacho cheese, you movie-theater-lovin' punk!  But on the plus side, your urine should be able to dissolve any of that nasty floor-goo on the theater floor in case you ever get trapped in it.


QUESTION:     Are you becoming a major slacker? Because I really enjoy your page, but it's getting pretty boring. I'm becoming very distant to your site, I hope you do something before I never see your page again. You long time reader (Shannon)

ANSWER:   I am only allowed into the Realm Room (where we keep the computer AND the 7-foot toothpick shrine to Kool-Aid Man) every so often, since John is usually in there programming the design for the next major Niftyness section.  But just to appease you, I am juggling burning sticks of fire right now and typing with my feet.


QUESTION:     Will you answer this yes-or-no question truthfully by saying "no"?  (Marki Mark)

ANSWER:   Maybe.


QUESTION:     How do sock monkeys make you feel?  (Liddie)

ANSWER:   They frighten the heck out of me.  There is just something unnatural about fabric-based apes that always makes me cower in fear.  But I usually snap out of it and stop yelling in the supermarket after a few days or so.


QUESTION:     Can I soke my pants in your fishtank?  (Ben Myers)

ANSWER:   Well, you can SOAK them, but I'm afraid the tag on my pants specifically informs me that they should NOT be soked.   Besides, I have seen your fishtank, and it's just not healty to store milk in it like that...


QUESTION:     are you a squirrel or a chipmunk?  (Logan Calahan)

ANSWER:   Neither.  I am a sand weasel.  Arf!  Arf!


QUESTION:     Does Carmen like me? everyone says he does...but i dont think he does..should i ask him out?   (meghan pierce)

ANSWER:   Yes, he likes you.  I mean who wouldn't?  You're Meghan Pierce, Queen of the Internet and all its kingdoms!   You have spent so much time online that your palms have bonded permanently to the base of your keyboard!  All hail you, great one!


QUESTION:     What is the purpose of knowing the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? If you are getting eaten by one, do you really care which kind it is? Have you ever been to Alaska? Simon is NOT dead!!! and pig heads DO talk!!!! and and and...WHY???? plus why does Ms. Zabrecky make her own clothes? she sucks at it!!!! P.S. stars are shiny!!  (meghan pierce)

ANSWER:   All hail the knowledgeable one!  She speaks the gibberish of wisdom!  I must go cleanse myself in ritual salsa while I celebrate such wonderful lessons!


QUESTION:     what is the creepiest song of all time? why?  (meghan pierce)

ANSWER:   Probably the Beach Boy's Kokomo.  I mean, why do they want to take me to Kokomo?  And where is it anyway?   They say "way down in Kokomo."  Is it in their basement?  Do they have a torture chamber named Kokomo?  Then again, I may be biased against them on the sheer fact that they appeared on Full House so many times.  Any direct contact with Bob Saget can make you evil.


QUESTION:     hey skippy!! are me and my boyfriend matt gonna get married??  (SaELa1029)

ANSWER:   That depends.  Is Matt a human male or a sea creature like yourself?  You know the rules about talking to the land-walkers!  Now dance and sing a song with me about our wonderful life under the sea!


QUESTION:     Hey Skippy. Every time i kiss my boyfriend my tongue shrinks, why is that?  (SaELa1029)

ANSWER:   Hey, at least it's not happening to your boyfriend, if you know what I mean <wink wink>


QUESTION:     What happened to the Care Bears? (Joanna Maxwell)

ANSWER:   With violent TV shows like "The A-Team" and "Knight Rider" taking over the time slots, the Care Bears made a few last-ditch efforts to save their ratings.  Happy Bear forget to take his mdication and ended up slaughtering several girl scouts, and the final episode has Burly Bear giving in to his feminine side through the use of mail-order lingerie.   After that, no one seemed to Care...


QUESTION:     Why didn't they look for Nicole's killer after O.J. was anounced inocent?  (Joanna Maxwell)

ANSWER:   Because the entire nation knew who did it:  Rosie O'Donell's evil twin Murry.


QUESTION:     i think i ask too many questions. you never answer them. you take you're sweet 'ol time. so WHO left you boss? (tracey)

ANSWER:   Actually, I became the boss in 850BC when the Greek Lighting God Zeus went out for donuts and never came back.   Now back up and get in line, because I have a big bucket full of lightning and I'm itching to use it!


QUESTION:     so if the squirrels gave in to the monkeys would there be any cheese left for us tree sloths? (tracey)

ANSWER:   You should do what I do: make your own cheese.  All you need is a cardboard box, a garbage bag, and milk.   Place bag in box, pour milk into bag.  Tie the bag shut and leave in the basement for 2-3 years.  Caution: it will stink when you open the bag, but hey...that's some tasty cheese!


QUESTION:     do tell mr.john and yellow duck shouldn't put their address on the web. i mean think of the sickos and madman who will hunt you down and kidnap yellow duck!  or worse.....send you things only momma quivers about. what bees? and birds?  birees would come of that courtship. i that dumb? (sillychild)

ANSWER:   That's okay.  No one ever ends me anything.  I've only received 3 ducks so far.  If you have $5 to spare, you can mail John a duck!  Or you can just send the money.  Maybe I can invest in some kind of medication to stop all the twitching!


QUESTION:     What did come first, the fish or the egg? The chicken or the egg? The man or the woman? (Obsi2002)

ANSWER:   Actually, the Cheeto came first.  Granted, it's been nearly 2 million years without any major Cheeto evolution, but you must admit: they're dang tasty.


QUESTION:     hi skippy! i have a tough question... how come when i run around in circles and i try to catch my tail i can never catch it why? (Sailrmar23)

ANSWER:   Next time, run around in parallelograms and wear a funnier hat.


QUESTION:     hi skippy!  do u like your peanut butter thick and chunky or creamy? (tracy)

ANSWER:   Well, when you use it as leg cream like I do, it doesn't really matter.  Just don't get it into any open wounds.  Ouch.


QUESTION:     will i be alive tomarrow? (Loretta Vigil)

ANSWER:   No, sorry.  <The editor regrets that this question was asked weeks ago and wishes to express his sincerest apologies to Loretta's friends, family, and those birds she talks to at the lake in the park for such a late diagnosis>


QUESTION:     Skippy spelled backwards is yppiks. If you say yppicks over and over and over you get xyppics. Why? (Bill DiGiacomo)

ANSWER:   No!  After all these years someone has finally figured out my darkest secret!  I admit it now, I -am- the ruthless dictator of the Underground Swedish Republic of Kansas!  Curses!   You're rue the day you crossed me!

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