Ask Skippy

Ask Skippy

Questions and Answers

Archive Three

(38 Q and A's)

Here are the questions in between the current ones and the old ones...Enjoy!

QUESTION:  What are you thankful for? (Karen Bralczyk)

ANSWER:    Peanut butter, Pez, Television, Collectible spoons, Duct tape, the number 3, the ability to read and write, Jello, Pizza, Binary logic, Pocketknives and pocketwatches, Pockets, my family, my cat Farley, and my wonderful girlfriend.

QUESTION:  How do you play the party game "snaps"? (KMSCnet)

ANSWER:    I'm glad you asked.  I used to be a professional Snaps player in the Virgo division of the Canadian Snap Masters.  That was until my tragic accident in metal shop.  I would type more but my nose hurts.


QUESTION:  I really Really REALLY like this guy named Shawn! Does he like me too?????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Katie Grubbs)

ANSWER:    !!?!!?????!?!?!???!?!??!?!?!?!?!???The gerbils are gone again!  Tee hee!?!??!!??!??!??!?!?!!?


QUESTION:  do you like...squirrels? do you think they are an overpopulation of evil beasts trying to take over the world? I'm kinda scared here...I think I'm receiving a vision and nobody is listening to me! (Sharon Sanford)

ANSWER:    I can hear your vision.  It smells like lilacs.


QUESTION:  Why did I colour in the little blue dresses of the two little girls with sweet blonde hair on the front of my address book?
Why does daddy keep sitting in the wardrobe at night?
Why did the goat bleat up my dress that sweet summer's night?
And does cheese that is green taste so incredibly good? (from the lyric) (Tony Nicolosi)

ANSWER:     1) Because you're angry at your father.
                         2) Because he's angry at his father.
                         3) Because it's angry at its father.
                         4) Because it's angry at the goat.


QUESTION:  there are 3 words in the English language that end with the 3 letters "gry" one is angry and another is hungry. what is the third ? (Earnest Denton)

ANSWER:    hippoligophilogry.


QUESTION:  will i become a successful and rich career woman?   (Immortelle)

ANSWER:    I'm glad you asked.   All of your goals can be attained in 3 simple steps. 
    1) Wear sensible shoes. 
    2) Strategically make successful and rich friends.
    3) Three words:  drastic gender surgery.


QUESTION:   I need some guidance on building a crate to protect my pool table full slate top while moving it in the back of a U-haul truck. Where can I obtain a blueprint or other comparable instructions to construct a crate that will protect the slate and keep it from getting broken? Can You Help? Thanks. (gilbray)

ANSWER:    Click here for a blueprint.


QUESTION:    I work sitting at the computer and now I am hooked on the internet looking up fun things and I have a bad back. It hurts to sit when I am working so long or even when I am having fun. Now my hand hurts when I wake up from clicking the mouse so much. I think I have arthritis in my joints and I don't think anything helps. If I exercise it hurts and if I sit or even lie in bed too long it hurts. I guess the best thing is to get a laptop so I can move around while I am on the computer. What do you think of laptops? I had back surgery for a ruptured disc and spinal stenosis one year ago and I am better but I cannot sit too long or do anything for a long time without being in pain. I have to take Vicodin almost every day and sometimes every 4-6 hours when I am awake. I am not addicted to it in fact it makes me nauseated but I cannot take aspirin or advil because they bother my stomach. Ice and heat help but are not convenient to take with me when I go out. I use hot pepper cream (Zostrix) and it helps too. Would a laptop be better for all my aches and pains or should I just learn to live with it and continue with the desktop? I heard there is a new program you can channel on your T.V. I hate television because it bores me but I love the internet and I have so many things I still have not had time to look up. I have so many interests. I am working at 3 jobs now and most of the time I work at home on the computer running my husbands business with the billing etc. and I am trying to sell computers for a 7% commission but have not sold any yet. I also have a nutrition class once per week that I teach and I run a clinic for obese adults and children. I am a wife and mother too and I am going to be a grandmother in May and my daughter wants me to babysit so she can continue with he job as an attorney for a law firm in San Francisco. Do you think I need to stop some of my jobs and take care of my back and go to Physical Therapy>/????I did it for awhile and it helped but it was hard to go because it is so expensive and my insurance is not good. I need to stop emailing all my friends and get back to work and now I am telling you my problem with no time and I know your answer will be to stop doing it all and especially the email. Thanks............... (Carol Charm)

ANSWER:    Stop sleeping on your car.


QUESTION:  whats the meaning of lIfe? (Steven M. Tarries)

ANSWER:  I have answered this one several times, but here it is again! :) Click here to find out


QUESTION:   can you give me the answer what do the initials vad stand for it pertains to a nursing uniform in france (Harry Giles)

ANSWER:    It stands for "Vladimir Argentinine Doctoriliporiate."  But then again, I don't know any French.  Those cheese-eating surrender monkeys!


QUESTION:   Which is better for Jell-O shooters? Vodka or Tequila??? (Heather McDaniel)

ANSWER:    I prefer urine.  But not for drinking.   For the guests.


QUESTION:   How big is your time? What is so damn ridiculus about big time? I always have some big time because i find it hard to trade it for small time. If you know anyone with smaller time than me can you please tell me. I have to hurry now cause my time is getting smaller, most of the room is now gone. Help me i think i could be crazy. (Paul Chapman)

ANSWER:    My time?  Ok, imagine you had a third foot, approximately 14 1/5 meters in length.  On this foot, imagine there was a tongue.  Only this tongue could only speak Japanese (but it has been mute for 3 years).  Living on this tongue is a zebra.  A crazy zebra.  We're talking loopy here.  All the zebra does is fish.  It doesn't even use bait.  I keep telling it, "Hey you crazy zebra, you won't catch anything without bait.  Have some corn."  But it always just stands there blinking at me.  Got all that?   My time is the exact opposite of that.


QUESTION:   My self and Arthur were trapped with worms in a hurricane and smuggled to Brazil in an empty baked been can. When we arrived in Iceland Arthur ate himself because he saw an empty wheelchair in his way. I was tempted to do the same but an old mexican sheep shirer pulled me to safety and instead i ate his dog. (Paul Chapman)

ANSWER:    Last Wednesday?  Behind the wood shed?   That was me in that sheep suit, old bean!  And what have you done to my aquarium?  I've worked for hours and can't get the stain out!


QUESTION:    I want to know what the meaning of life is? and don't say 42 (Paul Chapman)

ANSWER:    Again, Click here to find out


QUESTION:    So, Skippy, I gather there's this guy named John who's a computer science major at the University of Delaware, who has an interesting site full of clever and amusing time-wasting activities (which I happened to stumble upon
accidently and would rather peruse than do my homework), and you, Skippy, will answer all. Here's some I've been pondering:
(1) At what income level does an increase in money fail to bring an increase in happiness?
(2) Does each individual have a moral obligation to be of service to society?
(3) Does the lack of a Y2K problem with Macs proof of superiority?
(4) Why are there more people in prison in the United States than any other country?
(5) Shouldn't it be against the law to put green pepper on pizza?  (Robyngray)

ANSWER: That's a long one...I better put on my thinking pants!   1) Whatever it is, I haven;t reached it yet.  But if nothing else, you can always give a lot of gifts and make those around you happy.  2) Yes.  I suggest enlistment in the 57th Local Fighting Flying Air Fish, our snorkeling defense against those crazy bi-linguals to the north.  3) No.  Paperweights don;t need decent software to do their duty as paperweights.  4) Because we have more prisons!   Duh!  5) <National Anthem begins here>I'm not prejudice against any peppers.  And why do they have to be green?  Can't they just be called "peppers of color?"  If someone wants magenta peppers or even mauve ones, it's fine by me.  That's what makes America so great.  <National Anthem ends>


QUESTION:    Why????   (MLCrafter)   

ANSWER:   Because every time I forget to, my shoes fall off.


QUESTION:   hello? is anyone there? where am I? what's that noise?! who are those people?!....... WHY GOD WHY?!? (Carl E Taylor)

ANSWER:    The noise is from all the monkeys I keep in my shoes.  <see above>


QUESTION:    What do you eat when you've run out of Kraft macaroni and cheese? (Paul Bralczyk)

ANSWER:   Sometimes corn flakes, sometimes corn pops.  But if they're out of both...THE FLESH OF THE LIVING!   Luckily, they're never out of both.


QUESTION:    Could you please answer some very serious questions of mine?
1) Teletubbies???? Why?????
2) The Spice Girls??? How????
3) If Grease is the word and the way we are feeling......are we all Greasy Tossers???
4) What???   (Louisa)

ANSWER: 1) Because of their 6.66 year deal with Satan
                    2) See above
                    3) Tossers?  I haven;t done that for years....last time I pulled a muscle.  I recommend heavy conditioning and a few minutes of stretching first.
                    4) "If I had a million dollars, I would buy you a green dress (but not a real green dress, that's cruel)" -The Barenaked Ladies


QUESTION:    why do my friend love white boys ? (Blondy)

ANSWER:    Please fix your grammar and re-submit.  Next!


QUESTION:    I was wondering if Shawn Layton likes me. He pulls my hair in the hallway at the lockers and is a really good friend. I have a huge crush on him and if he does like me, will he ask me out and how soon? (Mark Grubbs)

ANSWER:    The Shawn Layton?  Like oh my God, he is so much, like, the totally coolest guy (or girl I hope), in like, the whole seventh grade!  Like, I like, suggest you write him all these anonymous letters that say "Your shirt looks nice today" and "I enjoy the way you smell" and "your sneakers are so totally totally RAD" and drop them in his locker.   Then wink at him in the hallway like you have a bug in your eye.  Try it now.   Perfect!


QUESTION:     What's up homie? (Mark Grubbs)

ANSWER:   Yo G I thought you would never ask, yo!  Ok check dis out, right, me and T-Dog were up on 12th last week, balling of course, knocking peeps all around the court.  Man, I was like BOW, dribble left, then I be like "you watchin' the shoulder?  Don;t watch the shoulder watch the ball" then BOW I was all up in the hoop.  All day long, baby, all day long.   Yo anyways, T-dog scopes out Laquisha and she be all frontin' in her pink suede jumpsuit with dem yellow shoes and all that, and we be like "Damn, 'quisha, you lookin' SWEEEEET" and she be all up on us, cuz you know we tight, so anyways, her man Tyrone jumps out of that busted ass Celica he drives and be all like, step off punks.   So we be like ain't no thang, yo, ain't no thing.  So he be like step OFF punks, and we be like chill homeboy, but he reach in and pull his 9 out so we just grab our ball and JET.  Punk ass Tyrone...but he know we STILL all dat...he just mad that his momma so fat that she got littler fat women orbiting around her.


QUESTION:    Don? Don Lapre? Is it really you? After all these years? Are you really DON LAPRE? REVEAL YOUR TRUE FORM!!  (Cindy Margolis)

ANSWER:    Yes it's me!  And I'm wearing my flame-retardant socks!


QUESTION:    hello skippy , well my husband and I have been together almost a year and married for 5 mos. of that year we both want a baby so bad and we have been trying the natural way for almost a year I have even tried herbal female reproductive pills they didn't work but maybe I didn't take them long enough. So if you would please e-mailme with some information that would possibly help us.anything you could help us with would be a big help. (Shontal Williams)

ANSWER:    I recommend something that Superman once said.  "If we want to have a superbaby, we have to do it a special way."  Good luck and watch out for the Barbary pirates.  They're the scourge of five and a half of the seven seas.


QUESTION:    Hello Skippy, What can you tell me about the water scorpion? I've been searching the web, and haven't found much. This is the forst time I've used this web page. It looks pretty cool! Thanks in advance. (spam me not)

ANSWER:    Your forst time?  I remember my forst time with a water scorpion fondly.  You see, my family owned the largest scorpion farm in all of eastern North Dakota.  I lost many a brother and sister to a violent, screaming, painful death.  Them scorpion stings really smart.  Smart like me.


QUESTION:    I have a small gift shop with a wide variety of things most of my customers are older women and my best selling item is "POP ROCKS" what are these old women up to? (Mark & Mary Jo Hoffman)

ANSWER:    As our population grows and society advances, our diet relies heavier and heavier on pre-packaged, long shelf life food.  Thus, our bodies slowly absorb more and more preservatives, keeping us strong and rubbery.  Old people, on the other hand, seem to be fed mostly apple sauce at the Home (Happy Manor, Shady Pines, etc.)  Slowly degrading, their bodies crave the artificial sustenance they have grown to love.  Pop rocks are rich in nitrates, free radicals, and vitamin R.  Don't forget to bring Granny a few Twinkies next time you visit.


QUESTION:     how many different kinds of ants are there and how much times their own weight can they carry? (FRED & CAROLYN BARKER)

  ANSWER:    I had an aunt once.  Her name was Matilda.  We made her carry things too.  She got along pretty well.   Really mobile.  You should have seen her at her peak.  She could heft entire pianos over her head.  She tried to carry two once.  Broke her arms clean in half.  It was quite a mess.  And that's when we had to put her down. <sniff>


QUESTION:     How big is it? You know...==>ahem<==... hehehehehehehehe *convulsing in laughter on the floor*, oh, and by the way, the Goth duck is ours... we will be sending it as soon as we find a dollar. We're poor. We have a 10,000 dollar comp system (No B.S. of a lie, man) but we are poor. That is where all of our money went. Spare a dollar, buy a duckie? We are Canadians, too, a dollar is a lot of money to us, since the dollar sits at about 50 cents US... awwww... poor Canadians... (Dave Cubsey)

ANSWER:    The website?  Oh, it's very large.  Some even call it gigantic.  I tried to measure once, but I couldn't find the right kind of  increment.  Sorry to hear about the exchange rate.  But at least you don't live in America.  The weasel problem is atrocious.  


QUESTION:     is there anywhere in the world where it's legal to skateboard on the sidewalk? if so, where is this place? I LIKE IT ALREADY! why thank you! I love... umm yeah.. I haven't slept in 32 hours. I'm hungry... (don mccollum)

ANSWER:    You can skateboard on my car if you want.   How about I rent it out to you?  $58.00 a day, plus you have to wash my back.   P.S. No sleeping on the car.  No exceptions!!!


QUESTION:     what the hell kind of drugs are you on, and which planet do you get them from!? (Michael Butler)

ANSWER:   I'm not too keen on drugs, but I do prefer a diet of mostly plastic.  My body is like one giant Tupperware container, inside and out.  I keep things fresh, come with a sturdy resealable lid, and rinse off easily even when covered with heavy stains.


QUESTION:     I'm a firm believer in Einstein's special theory of relativity because of the plethora of experimental evidence supporting it, for example, the observed fact that a muon (a cosmic ray byproduct) decays with a half-life of 1.54 microseconds in its rest frame but, when travelling at 0.98 times the speed of light through the earth's atmosphere, decays with a time dilated half-life of 7.70 microseconds (in the earth's reference frame). My question is this: If I'm travelling at 0.98 times the speed of light through my high school physics class, does the normally unbearable 50 minute class time shrink to a more stomachable 10 minutes? (Lawrence Samuelson)

ANSWER:    Yes, the time would shrink, but just make sure your safety belt is fastened securely, because if your class were do hit a speed bump, those test tubes can get lodged in some pretty uncomfortable places, if you catch my drift.  (And if you do catch my drift, give it back!  I need it for the windsurfing competition next Friday!)


QUESTION:     What should I do tomorrow? (Joy Blackwood)

ANSWER:    The same thing as me.   Party like it's 1999. (Wearing no socks)


QUESTION: Dear Skippy, Why is it that every time I get on the Internet to do serious research I find myself following you on adventures, reading your articles, and,yes, even feeling strange urges to eat toast and mail you a duck? Are there subliminal messages hidden in your background or am I just easily influenced? Help! (Greg McBride)

ANSWER:  Hidden Messages?   <SendMeaCheckForAHundredDollarsOrYourHairWillFallOut>  On my page?   <YouHaveAnUncontrollableUrgeToEatPocketLint>  Never!  How could you even suggest such a <TastyChewyYummyFingernails> thing?


QUESTION:  Hi I got this geography question which I would like you to help me with. So this is it Proove that the earth is round and not flat (Michelle Hawthorne)

ANSWER:  Actually it's neither.  What kind of old-world textbook are you using?  The world is actually shaped like a giant fishbowl.  Did you ever hear of that place called "Australia?"  There is no real "Australia," it's only the place where the hole in the earth is.   If you went to "Australia," you would fall in and be trapped inside what scientists call the "Earth Pit."  That's what happened to my Uncle Mike.


QUESTION:  what do you think when me (as in a girl has never been asked out) but I do get along with the guy and hang out with them and I am no tomboy. I so act like a girl and very nice and sweet. what are some signs that a guy does like you but doesn't ask you out? (happygolucky016)

ANSWER:    Guys, like girls, can be cryptic.   Here's what you should do: Visit your local bank and buy several rolls of nickels.   Every time you see him, reach into your pocket and give him a nickel.  Say something cute like "Nickel is my favorite alloy, and you're my favorite person in this school."  Then do 12 cartwheels.  Keep it up for a few months (but NEVER in April) and he's yours...


QUESTION:   I was wondering if you could tell me when Patrick swayze's birthday is? (chris adams)

ANSWER:    The evil one has no true "birth" day, as he was spawned from evil itself.  Speaketh not his infernal name!


QUESTION:    what did Della wear?  (hfields)

ANSWER:    The puppets of injustice.


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