Ask Skippy

Ask Skippy

Questions and Answers

Archive Ocho

(175 Q and A's)

Don't track mud in this room, I just vacuumed!


QUESTION:     how do i find the ansers to my queastions? why can't i spell? (SkippyF1)

ANSWER:   I don't know, but it looks like you've hit the F1 key for help...


QUESTION:     can you send an instant message to someone that has from (Krystie56)

ANSWER:   No.  You have to use for that.


QUESTION:     How do I beat a ticket for failing to stop at a stop sign? (dougmacd)

ANSWER:   Plead insanity.  Tell them that from a distance the stop sign looked like it had nine sides...and that ain't no octagon, buddy.  How were you to know that it wasn't just a counterfeit stop sign?


QUESTION:     Do the people at Centrum really think they were cleaver with their little catch phrase "From A to Zinc"? (Chris Marshall)

ANSWER:   No.  But the phrase "complete from Iron to Vitamin E to That-stuff-that-when-consumed-in-mass-quanitities-attacks-the-layers-of-your-stomach-forming-holes-
just wasn't as catchy.  (and didn't fit on the bottle all that well)


QUESTION:     who likes me? (Bob)

ANSWER:   I don't know, but that Raymond guy sure seems popular for reasons that I can't understand.


QUESTION:     where can i find Whitney Houston song called "it's not right" remix version or club version? (shai mendelbaum)

ANSWER:   I just called Ms. Houston to ask for a copy, but we got so caught up in talking about her love of cosmic bowling that I totally forgot to give her your address.  Remind me and I'll ask her tomorrow when we have lunch at Wendy's.  (You should see her cram those bacon cheeseburgers down her throat....she eats 'em like popcorn.)


QUESTION:     how i can skipp my proxy with a password to get for som web sites? (WAJEEH)

ANSWER:  I'm not sure, but I bet that if I started cursing in this reply you wouldn't even get to see my answer!  


QUESTION:     My husband was in the Philapines (spelling is wrong) during his time in the army, one night he went out and the earth was covered with frogs, as he bent down to touch one someone said stop they bite when he turned his head to look down at a frog he said it had big teeth. It was a purple frog he believes and not poisonous, just a painful enough bite to make you stay away from frogs the rest of your life, ( His army buddy was dumb enough to grab at one) Do you know what kind of frog it is? (anna shockley)

ANSWER:   Purple, eh?  Were they wearing spandex?  Sounds to me like the work of my arch-nemesis Richard Simmons.   You'll rue the day you crossed me, Simmons!


QUESTION:     What does PPP stand for? (Gailalang)

ANSWER:   Pondering People's Patheticness


QUESTION:     Do people want a web page for potatochip bag collectors? Are you sure? (Joseph M. Bailey)

ANSWER:   I have a better idea.   Do what I do.  Find a large glass jar and fill it with the left-over rings from ring pops.  I'm up to you better get started.


QUESTION:     Who produces dumpsters? They're everywhere but I have never heard of a Dumpsters R Us or anything of that sort...where do they all come from? (Becca)

ANSWER:   Who knows?  But sometimes I wonder what they do with old dumpsters.  Where the heck do you throw one of those away?  A "used dumpster" dumpster? (I hear they call it "New Jersey.")


QUESTION:     skippy (a.k.a. sexy mamma)- you rock! it's question time, man! what flavor is hallucinogenic pudding? i've been dying to try some, but 'original flavor' just doesn't appeal to me. thanks much! (MasterMich)

ANSWER:   It comes in three flavors.   Guava berry passion fruit surprise, "tastes just like a taco", and mint.


QUESTION:     I am just checking to see if this page really does work. Ok, here is the question. What color should I paint my car? (gevonna fear)

ANSWER:   Yellow.  And make sure you buy a really high quality set of paint rollers.  Stencils can be fun too.  I prefer bunnies.


QUESTION:     How long does it take to get a answer from you? (gevonna fear)

ANSWER:   I like to liken the amount of time to a pizza delivery guy.  Only it takes longer than a half hour, I don't charge to bring it to your house, and my car doesn't reek of pepperoni.


QUESTION:     i wanted to ask will i like my new job and will i get alot of hours there. (ERODICXTSY)

ANSWER:   Don't get your hopes up.   A lot of people just aren't willing to pay to have their toenails clipped on a street corner while sitting in a lawn chair.


QUESTION:     does matt jewell love me (James Edwards)

ANSWER:   What am I, your homosexual therapist?


QUESTION:     let skippy out of the box. does skippy have rabies? will skippy answer me in 3rd person? (tracey)

ANSWER:   Skippy is not available for comment at this time.  Skippy is currently enveloped in a luke warm bath of nacho cheese and corn.  We mustn't disturb him during his beauty soak.


QUESTION:     whats a possum dixonŽ? bet you DON'T know!! (tracey)

ANSWER:   Is that the new Latin-speaking Smurf?


QUESTION:     Why is my father mean to me? (Bennis)

ANSWER:   How do you know he's really your father?  How do you know he's not just some vagrant who sleeps at your house and leaves every morning?


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy- What would you do for a Klondike Bar? (Tara)

ANSWER:   I know something I wouldn't do.  Go to a Meatloaf concert.  I would rather lodge a Klondike Bar in my trachea.


QUESTION:     why were the ants taking me to go see the queen?? Do they want my toe nail collection?? You can tell me te truth, honestly. (Lola, President of the Stop Cher From Singing Again)

ANSWER:   No, they're probably just considering you as an alternate food source.  Either that, or they just feel like watching somebody juggle.


QUESTION:     Hi you hot stud!!!! Jenni said she wants your hot body.But that may be because she uses so much glitter that it absorbs into her skin (GlamRckStr)

ANSWER:   I don't know about glitter.   There was a period in my life where I wore nothing but peanut butter.  Now whenever I sweat everybody gets hungry.


QUESTION:     how do i get dye out of clothes (bryan cullen)

ANSWER:   I'm sorry, Bryan.  But your favorite pair of pants isn't coming back. It's for the best though.  Every garment is happy in Clothes Heaven.  It's just what happens when they dye.


QUESTION:     So do you think I'll get mauled by a big ole bear when I go to Alaska this week? (Ann Bruyer)

ANSWER:   Oops, late with another answer I guess.  Good luck on the healing process!


QUESTION:     what is the meaning of life? (Carolyn Kelly)

ANSWER:   It's trapped inside your monitor screen.  The only way to get at it is to break the glass.  Try using your skull.  Quickly, before it escapes!


QUESTION:     Where can I find a picture of Patrick Swayze's butt? In the nude.....(Richard Rhodes)

ANSWER:   Oh great, now I've gone and vomitted.  Are you happy now?


QUESTION:     Who put the bomp in the bomp ba bomp ba bomp? (Genevieve Gagnier)

ANSWER:   Patrick Swayze.  Oh God, here it comes again....


QUESTION:     Are there more dead people or living people? (Tom P.)

ANSWER:   That depends.  Are we counting rats?  Which rats?  The white ones or the brown ones?


QUESTION:     Skippy, How much does a cubic meter of grapes weigh? Thanks. (Rick)

ANSWER:   I don't know, but don't get it in your clothes.  You don't want them to "dye."


QUESTION:     Do animals go to heaven? (dog G.)

ANSWER:   Yes, except for rats.   They count as dead people.


QUESTION: what was I going to ask? (rsnyder69)

ANSWER:   What is this, a rap lyric?   Is that a hip hop version of November Rain I hear in the background?


QUESTION:     Skippy, Me and 2 of my friends form a triangle and 2 of them stopped talking so nw i am just part of 2line segments how can i make them form triangle again? (MnKyGrL001)

ANSWER:   One time I got a bunch of people together and we made this octagon.  We just walked around the supermarket all day saying, "make way for the all powerful octagon."


QUESTION:     Is my husband gay and should I or will I stay married to him with these 3 children? (Bart Nelson)

ANSWER:   I'm gonna guess you wrote this from your husband's account?  Nice one, ya braintrust!


QUESTION:     Will I stick with the job I have now? (Shewolfxxo)

ANSWER:   That depends.  When is the glue gonna wear off?


QUESTION:     My boyfriend is a sloppy kisser and it kind of grosses me out, but I like him so much. How do I let him know without hurting his feelings? (Kathryn Clawson)

ANSWER:   Are we talking sloppy, as in saliva, or as in "I could still taste four items from the buffet on his lips?"   Have him eat more salsa, everything tastes better with salsa.


QUESTION:     Okay Skippy ... You never answered my last question so I'll ask you a new one. How come my friends and I never get orgasims from Herbal Essences??? (Kathryn Clawson)

ANSWER:   What the heck have you been shampooing?


QUESTION:     why does my bishon frise puppy hump my leg when i am standing? and how do i stop this? it is so strange. she is 7 months old. (DShavatt)

ANSWER:   That reminds me of when I was at the beach.  There was this one hamburger stand that me and my friend Steve stopped at.  They had some real bishon frise!  We put some ketchup on those bad boys and they were GOOD!


QUESTION:     Why do all the wacko drivers hit the road on the same day? (Laura Jane Salyer)

ANSWER:   What kind of weather forecast have you been listening to?


QUESTION:     What is the best method to mutilate a beanie-baby? (Doug Lawyer)

ANSWER:   Stick a fork in it.   Place in microwave.  Set on high for 45 minutes.  Exit the store quickly.


QUESTION:     Do you know me, Skippy? (Alex Matantsev)

ANSWER:   That depends.  Is this crazy Sheryl from accounting?  You still owe me for driving you out to Wisconsin that weekend.  Pay up.


QUESTION:     Exactly four statues are lined up on the floor of a wax museum, on pedestalsnumbered 1 through 4, from left to right. Two of the statues are male figures,while the other two are female figures. Two of the statues represent famousathletes, one a famous gangster, and the other a famous inventor. Exactly one of the four statues glows in the dark. The statue that glows in the dark occupies either the first or the fourth pedestal. An athlete statue occupies the second pedestal. There is at least one pedestal occupied by a male figure between the twopedestals occupied by female figures. One of the athlete statues glows in the dark. QUESTION : Which one of the following must be true of the third pedestal?
(A) A female figure occupies it.
(B) A male figure occupies it.
(C) The gangster statue occupies it.
(D) An athlete statue does not occupy it.
(E) Its statue glows in the dark.

ANSWER:   It took me about two minutes.  Here we go, get out a piece of paper.  There are two athletes, one of which we know is in position two.  Since there is only one glowing statue, and the only statue that can glow is an athlete, AND we know that the glowing statue is in either position one or four, we can assume that the athletes are in one of only two possible configurations:  (1, 2) or (2, 4)  Thus, the correct answer is D.  Nice question, gnat.  :)


QUESTION:     What is my new cleaning formula? (Alex Matantsev)

ANSWER:   I don't know, but I wouldn't recommend mixing urine and toothpaste again.


QUESTION:     Why isn't there a magic job fairy that comes and gives everyone a halfway decent job? Then we wouldn't have to learn all this other stuff that we never use, just the stuff we need and we wouldn't have to go on those horrid job interviews. YUK! (Lupe)

ANSWER:   But how do you measure halfway decent?  And if decent is on one side, what unit of measurement is on the other?  What is it halfway between?  I don't want one of those fairies.  I want one of those magical rulers.


QUESTION:     Okay Skippy, I have another question for you, and it's a doozy. If a train leaves South Park going 200 kilometers per hour, and a train leaves Springfield going 100 miles per hour, and South Park and Springfield are 600 kilometers apart, and there's a wind coming out of the southwest at 3 kilometers per hour (and it's not from the Tire Yard), and neither Chef or Mayor Quimby has had sex in the last 2 weeks, and Groundskeeper Willie was adrift aboard a giant hamster in outer space, and Shelbyville was opening fire with their Tesla Death Rays, who would win in a fight: Kang and Kodoss or those anal-probing, wild and crazy Visitors? (Compute827)

ANSWER:   Why use a train when you can use a monorail?


QUESTION:     my oh my... why did i get a 1020 on my SAT's? afraid to go home.. the kiwi's will be disappointed in me...(Goldfissh)

ANSWER:   I'd love to give you the answer to this one, but I'm still waiting on that magical ruler.  Sorry.


QUESTION:     who is going to be my next boyfriend and when will he ask me out (bonnejanssen)

ANSWER:   You know that total hottie from Dawson's Creek?  Not him.  In fact, it'll probably be that guy that rotates the hot dogs at night in convenience stores across America.  Expect a phone call this evening.


QUESTION:     LA DE DA? (meghan pierce)

ANSWER:   La da da de da da da daaaaaaaaaa.  Be my lover?


QUESTION:     Why was boredom invented? (meghan pierce)

ANSWER:   To combat itself.


QUESTION:     What does P.S. stand for? (meghan pierce)

ANSWER:   Pituitary system.   Isn't it amazing how everyone's always referring to it?  GLANDS, I TELL YA, GLANDS!   Champions of the Endocrine system!


QUESTION:   Do you ever get tired of clods asking you inane questions? (Katherine)

ANSWER:   Occasionally, but then I think of all the other idiots in the world that don't know how to type.  That means I get all the upscale idiots.


QUESTION:     Why are there so many different types of toothbrushes? I went to the store and found one with long bristles, one with a longer handle, one that was arched, one with extra bristles on the end, and one that was flat. Decisions suck. (Valerie Forst)

ANSWER:   I don't know, but I for one am always amazed at toothbrush technology.  Just last week I was shopping for a toothbrush and found a talking one named Roberto who can sing a three-part harmony by himself and do double dutch like nobody's business.


QUESTION:     Skippy: Why are people so FRIGGIN' STUPID?!?! Thanks for your time! :-) (Wendy Lady)

ANSWER:   Because there aren't enough Robertos to go around.


QUESTION:     Skippy: I'll give you a banana if you can tell me how many children I want to have when I get married...(hehe) Wendy Lady

ANSWER:   This is a trick question, isn't it?  Do you mean how many do you want to keep in cages?


QUESTION:     Skippy: Why can't people pronounce Dharma? (Wendy Lady)

ANSWER:   There's an easy way to remember it.  It rhymes with "Alarma."  Every morning my toothbrush buddy Roberto wakes me up with a cheerful "time to wake up, your alarma is ringing!"


QUESTION:     Why did my boyfriend promise to spend the whole day with me and then as soon as he found out his family was plaing paintball, he dumped me just like he does every weekend? Why is he so immature and rude? Please answer my questions. Thankyou.(Lupe)

ANSWER:   Obviously you don't understand the draw of a well-planned game of family paintball.  My family plays all the time, except we use marshmallows instead of paintballs, socks instead of guns, and we all dress up in purple outfits and sing Hootie and the Blowfish songs.


QUESTION:     Why do I have so much stress? How come eerything bothers me lately and I have so much stress it makes me sick to the point of vomit, major loss of sleep, muscle fatigue and swollen glands? Tell me that Skippy. (Lupe)

ANSWER:   Whenever I get stressed, I take a piece of chicken and put it on my cat's neck.  The trick is to put it just high enough that he can smell it, but can't get at it with his mouth.  Then I watch him spin around, and around, and around.  After a few hours of this, he's all tuckered out and I'm happily stress-free.


QUESTION:     hey skippy will michelle break up with don and go with me (jeremy)

ANSWER:   That depends entirely on Tina, the Himalayan prostitute.  Did she open the can of magic berries or didn't she?   How do you expect me to answer questions when you don't provide me with all the important facts.?


QUESTION:     Hey Skippy I've been pondering this seemingly unanswerable question for quite some time and I am hoping you could give me the answer. Here it is: How in the world can the Keebler elves make cookies if they live in trees? I am at a loss and have found myself lying awake at night unable to find any peace as long as this mystery coninues. Please Help!! Thank you! (Toad)

ANSWER:   Only the leaders live in trees.  The workers like to sneak into your head, usually while you're sleeping.   Then they hollow out the inside and prepare it for fudge-making.  That's why I never sleep without duct-taping my ears shut first.


QUESTION:     since the sun is above us, and heat rises, why is the top of a mountain colder than the bottom? (Robert Mingee)

ANSWER:   I'm not quite sure.   But it probably has to do with those ads by Old Navy.  Curse you, Magic the Dog, curse you!


QUESTION:     Skippy waz up bull? Me and my partner were wondering how do you make meth? Hurry and answer we're in a rush, you feel me? (Cox)

ANSWER:   Yo yo yo.  Here where the deal be at.  Get choself one dem big ass funnels from out in the garage or sumpin.  Lay on the ground and stick that little end in yo mouth.  Now yo other friend Tito or sumpin, have him snatch up a big carton of powdered fish.  Dump it in that funnel and pour some Gatorade on it.  You be trippin in no time.


QUESTION:     I woke up in the morning and found two small diameter Puncture wounds on the side of my head. I don't recall having hit my head, the wounds were dry ,burnt looking and scabbed. Have there been any similar reports. (Phillip J. Zermeno)

ANSWER:   Like many detectives, my first thought would obviously be vampires.  This, however, would be wrong.  Get a flashlight and go up in your attic.  Check the corners, but be careful.  Death parakeets always like to attack when your back is turned.


QUESTION:     I took the advice you gave to The Shores, and I bought those baggy jeans, a bunch of Tommy Hilfiger shirts, andi stand around saying "Sup" to everyone. But now, im labeled as that "freaky kid" that hangs around the front of Shoppers Drug Mart. Id like to know exactly im not chilling with the rest of my homies. Please help me Skippy!!! (Curtis Callioux)

ANSWER:   The problem is not your attire.  You just need more homeboys.  Check the local arcades.  If you can't find anybody willing to hang out with you, just borrow a few mannequins from the closest department store.  Dress 'em up just like you and set 'em outside your hangout.  If anybody asks, just tell everyone that you're the leader and the only one allowed to speak.


QUESTION:     I was recently enrolled in the "HeMan Gopher Haters" club. Our solemn mission is to search out and destroy those little rodents that infest back yards and fields here in Prince Albert. Yet, Every time i try to destroy a gopher, it just seems to chirp at me, almost as if it was laughing. I cannot bear the humiliation any longer!!! Having a gopher laugh at me is almost more than i can bear!! How do i make them stop laughing at me??? (Curtis Callioux)

ANSWER:   Sounds like you need a new hobby, Curt.


QUESTION:     What did you think of Jar Jar Binks when you saw Star Wars? (Neil Bajaj)

ANSWER:   I thought he was hilarious.   But nowhere near as good as Bruce Willis' hysterical portrayal of Fedong, the bumbling robotic midget.


QUESTION:     I happen to have read a recent question claimed to written by "BATMAN" aka psykoc77, and i have something to tell you. HE'S A SHAM!!! He's not batman!!!!! I AM BATMAN!!!!!!!! I will not be pushed aside by this FAKE! And to prove i am batman, i shall tell you his secret Identity! He is Derek W. of Lancaster High School (do to real life psychos like crabby14, i can't reveal his last name in full. Just remember, I'M BATMAN!!!) (The true Batman)

ANSWER:   And your question would be...?  Here's a free answer anyway:  "Don't try it on a Monday, that's when all the beavers come out."


QUESTION:     What do you look like?

ANSWER:   You can actually piece together a detailed composite of my likeness by finding the secret clues that have been littered throughout the previous 600 questions.  Happy hunting!


QUESTION:     how come you answer tracey's questions and derek's questions, but you don't answer mine? did you strike a deal with them not to answer MY questions?? -Ed (The real BATMAN!!)

ANSWER:   Ok, I give up.  Money was involved.  But I guess I kinda defaulted on our bargain by answering this question.  Oops.


QUESTION:     okay is it just me or are all the bunnies in this world evil? (its all a conspiricy i tell ya!) (LavaEagle)

ANSWER:   Actually, you are correct.   But don't forget to make the distinction.  Bunnies are only corrupt until they become adult rabbits.  Then they usually become responsible, community-oriented members of society.


QUESTION:     hi its me again. i also say that the ups trucks are out to get us. i mean, who calls themselves ups?! it sorta sounds like you pee on us. (LavaEagle)

ANSWER:   Well, aren't we just a thermos full of negativity today?


QUESTION:     there's this guy and i really really like him and he has a girlfriend and we used to be best friends for a few years and then he moved away when i was in 7th grade and he came back this year, just at the new year's..and we aren't good friends anymore, and he's changed, but i still love him, and now he has a girlfriend..and what do i do. (Runner)

ANSWER:   Buy a festive hat and go dancing in the rain.  Oh, sorry, I thought it was the script of a PG movie and I got confused.


QUESTION:     Hi, my name is Skippy-Roo. I'm a dachshund puppy, and my people lock me in a kennel at night, why? Is it's cause i pee on the floor? Or 'cause i steal their socks and dirty underwear from the laundry room? Please tell me, Skippy-Roo (The Littlest Big Dog)

ANSWER:   No, it's because you pee ONLY on the floor. Teach yourself how to pee straight up...then your owners will notice and call FOX to get you on that Guinness World Records TV show (hopefully on the same episode as the guy that can swallow his own feet and the woman who will lick anything for a dollar).


QUESTION:     Hey, I got Beta, do you have Beta? It rocks, it does Fire damage on all opponents. I got Beta by killing this really big-ass snake. It takes out like 10341 points. (Josh)

ANSWER:   No way, you've got it all wrong.  I just got this Dragon named Tito who can morph into a complicated crossword puzzle.  Then BOOM, your Beta gets all confused and when he turns to grab a thesaurus, Tito kicks him right in the head.  I won last week's tournament at the mall with that move.  And I've got the t-shirt to prove it!


QUESTION:     Skippy, What does a woman wear to a Texas summer morning wedding? Its a formal affair with a party-hardy reception afterwards. (Bunky & Lynda Johnson)

ANSWER:   You can never go wrong with a giant burlap sack with armholes cut out of it.  Rock on.


QUESTION:     How come I can't have my cake and eat it too? (Lupe)

ANSWER:   Because then you would have two cakes each time you wanted to eat one, and you would have to build a big closet in your basement to hold all the cakes.  Then you would get ants.  Lots of ants.


QUESTION:     Does my cat have an evil plan to kill us all? She makes a really good first impression on people, then the second time, she gets on your lap all nice and then out of nowhere...SRATCH, BITE, HISS!! She used to be soooo nice, until that other cat came over and told her she was ugly and she had put on some weight and he was leaving her for a younger, more attractive kitty!! What should I do?? (Lupe)

ANSWER:   Buy him a cool car to re-affirm her self-worth.  Then get it all pimped out with Chinese symbols and a muffler big enough to store several cakes in.


QUESTION:     why does tyesha get on my nerves? (Anne Reck)

ANSWER:   You really shouldn't let her into your blood stream like that, it's not it's your nerves, tomorrow it's your liver.


QUESTION:     Is Yellow Duck seeing anyone? (Ducky&Leah)

ANSWER:   Not right now, but he has received several offers from the triumphant US Women's Soccer Team.  Unfortunately, they just want him as a spare ball for practices.  His brittle plastic skin can only take so many kicks, so I had to step in.    


QUESTION:     Yo Skippy, I dont know what to ask you? Im sittin here pondering and wondering, but I'm blank. Can I have an answer anyway? (Grizzle-Dog)

ANSWER:   Sure:  "Sometimes I prefer using a straw in that situation."  Enjoy.


QUESTION:     Okay Skippy. This is Laura again. I have asked you about five questions and you have not answered a single one! (Except for the one about my birthday.) What's up? I have some more questions. What is the Procrastinator's Creed? (Laura)

ANSWER:   You're in luck...I'm too lazy to take a picture of my poster, so I searched the web and found a link. 


QUESTION:     Hi Skippy. You are quite well educated. I would like to receive the same education that you have. Can you tell me where you went to learn all the nifty things you know? ( Note excessive use of alliteration to interest even the most feeble minded of readers.) (jacc)

ANSWER:   I learned most of it by joining the Merchant Marines.  Plus, I have the added bonus of knowing that if the Navy, Air Force, Army, Marines, National Guard, AND the Boy Scouts are all destroyed in battle, my floating Hot Dog Barge is the last line of defense for the American people.   I'm ready baby!


QUESTION:     I can't stand my dog. It smells like old squash. How can I make it smell better? (Goldfissh)

ANSWER:   Go out to the supermarket and get some of those Stick-Up scent-discs.  Duct tape them all around your whenever you smell flowers nearby, you know that your dog is coming!


QUESTION:     What are you wearing right now? (STIspdshtr)

ANSWER:   I always wear what the Old Navy commercials recommend, so right now I am wearing a Fleece Tech Vest and Cargo Shorts.   I hope they recommend some shoes soon, because my feet are freezing!


QUESTION:     How come my cat is such a freak? I mean geez... How can he like egg plant?? (Kimberly Ann)

ANSWER:   Ick.  How can YOU like Egg plant enough to keep it in the house in the first place?  And why the heck is it called Egg plant?  Does it taste like eggs?


QUESTION:     Skippy, Why is my head larger than my eyes? (Peter Haswell)

ANSWER:   Otherwise every time you tightened up your bike helmet you would blind yourself for weeks.


QUESTION:     In Question 495, you make reference to calling a Congressmen's office because they have nothing better to do on a weekday. I will inform you that you are incorrect, at least for some of the Congresspersons. I intern for one right now so that is how I know. My question for you is what work do you do and how do you define it as work? What is to say the work you do really is what you say it is? P.S. As you will see, there are no mispellings or grammatical errors in my letter. Also, I use punctuation-so NO making fun of my writing skills like you do to others that respond to your useless yet amusing requests. (Rachael Gingrich)

ANSWER:   Okay, check the zipper on your pants.  See how it says "YKK" on there?  I make those.  It's a thankless job, but someone has to do it.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go make some more zippers.  Old Navy needs them for their new line of Idiot Customer Pants.  (P.S.:  It's "misSpellings" )


QUESTION:     Where are my eyes? (Becca)

ANSWER:   I have them in a jar in front of me.  Not you'll be able to read this answer, though!


QUESTION:     How do you get odor out of a book? (kay ruid)

ANSWER:   Dunk it in a big bowl of Bacon Fat.  That way you'll always be in the mood for reading, because MMM-MMM, that book smells like bacon!


QUESTION:     Am I allowed to destroy you? And if so, when? (Mr. Sparkle)

ANSWER:   I'm going to have to pass on that on.  How about you destroy the entire cast of Friends instead? 


QUESTION:     Certs have retsin and this, apparently, is a selling point. Great. But, what the hell IS retsin? (Tom Geairn)

ANSWER:   Retsin is derived from the calcium deposits in toenail clippings.  That's why your feet stink sometimes: the retsin has been excreted into the nails and is no longer keeping your feet minty fresh.


QUESTION:     So, tell me Skippy. What are the men in the UK like? (Gena Chapa)

ANSWER:   Why would I know?  I haven't visited the magical land of Uck for they still have a DisneyLand there?   Are the characters all still played by senior citizens?  I love watching them tip over when you nudge them...


QUESTION:     what would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? (Bumpkin)

ANSWER:  I don't know, but it would certainly make Hurdles a pretty worthless sport!


QUESTION:     Skippy, how come my dad gets mad at me for rubbing soap all over the floor of the shower stall before he takes a shower? (Pimp'n Ain't EZ)

ANSWER:   He's afraid that you will wash off all of the Retsin.


QUESTION:     How do you make homemade ice cream? (Robert Wilson)

ANSWER:   I like to make it a spoonful at a time, in my mouth.  Tilt your head back and pour in some milk.  Now add a few drops of vanilla extract and some cookies.  Chew and mix.  Now dunk your head in a vat of ice.  It's not the fastest method, but it's so gratifying at the end...


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy: Would you like to dance? No lambadas or macarenas. Just a simple cha-cha or a sensuous yet restrained tango. I'll be the one with the red rose clenched between my teeth. Save the last dance for me. Love, (Juanita)

ANSWER:   All I can do is the Running Man.  Well, that and the thing where you keep passing your hands over your knees in different directions.  How about we just do that?  I'll bring the wigs.


QUESTION:     how do u make stinkbomb (mousey88)

ANSWER:   Hey, you can lead a stink to water, but you can't EVER make him bomb.  It has to be his decision, you jerk. 


QUESTION:     Why did the person I hate so much make the Varsity cheerleading squad when she's a freshman and she's not even that good? Why is she so stuck up? (Lupe)

ANSWER:   Is she really stuck up?   Like on small pointy sticks?  I can't imagine that it's easy to do cartwheels like that...


QUESTION:     I need help on the novel, To Kill a Mockingbird. I need to explain what the quote "His food doesn't stick going down does it?"means. So, what does it mean? Miss Maudie said this quote at a meeting of the missionary circle after the trial. It said you can answer any question, so please help me, I need help because I am trying to study for finals, and I need an answer by tonight! Thanks, (TINA ZIMMER)

ANSWER:   Well, it's a little late for finals, so I hope you wrote something like "Miss Maudie was referring to his genetic condition which forced him to consume a liter of boiled Crisco every morning before eating."  You know how those English teachers love the metric system...


QUESTION:     How can I dye my beige polyester pants? The label on the dye that I bought says that I cannot use it for certain materials such as polyester. (Jean Ramirez)

ANSWER:   Sure thing!  I never go by instructions.  For instance, this bottle of STAY-AWAKE pills states that "one should not take more than four pills in a twenty-four hour period."  Well, I haven't had any for a month, so that means I can take a big handful, right?  It does wonders when I need to clean my room.  I just duct tape big wads of paper towels to myself and take the pills.  When they wear off in a few hours, my room is SPOTLESS.


QUESTION:     How can I show my boy friend that I like him? (ChipperTD)

ANSWER:   Start taking all of his cherished things when he isn't looking.  Soon he will become really paranoid and start accusing you of stealing his stuff.  That's when you make him a big cheese sandwich and say "I love you."  It works every time.


QUESTION:     why is the statue of liberty's ass facing new jersey? (Linzartart)

ANSWER:   Hey, it's not like she has a chance to move around a lot.  How would you like trying to walk around in an iron dress?  Imagine all the chaffing...


QUESTION:     CAN I HAVE SEX W/U??? (Rubyfire78)

ANSWER:   No.  Last time I touched a flaming jewel it left burn marks for six months.


QUESTION:     how much porn is "too much" porn?? (XSparky83X)

ANSWER:   Well, anyone with an "X" on each side of his name probably can never get too much...


QUESTION:     if they use a chihuahua in Mexican food commercials, will they use a poodle for french fries and a Shih-tsu for eggrolls and sushi for the next Pamela Anderson Video and a gerbil for the next long awaited Michael Jackson tour? Can I go home now? (Death eating a cracker)

ANSWER:   Sure you can go home, but where exactly does Death live?  I hope it's on the same block as Pauly Shore.   I'll give you a whole pack of Ritz if you take him out <wink>


QUESTION:     HI!! Ok my cat came in this morning smelling like a skunk.. so you think that he was trying to wrestle it?? He does have a habit of trying to wrestle with all the other cats. I was just wondering. (Adia)

ANSWER:   It sounds to me like you need glasses.  See that long white stripe on the center of your cat's spine?   That's not a cat.  No wonder he doesn't use his scratching post!


QUESTION:     skippy, skippy bo bippy, banana fana fo fippy, me my mo mippy skippy...WHAT THE HELL IS A BIPPY? (Adia)

ANSWER:   You know when you're in a crowded public place, trying to look cool, and you trip over something and land on your head?  Then you look back and are forced to blame some invisible object for causing your fall?  That's a bippy.


QUESTION:     Will I get to meet the hansons soon?? (Runner)

ANSWER:   Maybe.  Try to steal a big 18-wheeler carrying Clearasil.  Then take some spray paint and write "Free Samples" on the back.  The Hansons will be in touch in no time...


QUESTION:     Why does my leg always seem to spontaneously kick people that I pass on the street?? (Atris DA)

ANSWER:   You've been hanging around the dumpster behind Wendy's again, haven't you? Now your leg has been possessed by Dave Thomas himself. Start carrying around a hacksaw and a lag rag. If your leg begins to talk in a slow monotone voice, be sure to amputate it before the lame jokes start. You'll have to slice it off fast before the virus spreads.


QUESTION:     Hey Skippy! I like your page! Okay, now to get down to business. Are you a Discordian? If so, where DID that guy find Goddess? And what did he do with her when he found her? Please Respond! P.S. I am not a stupid AOLer. I am a relatively intelligent AOL user. (Compute827)

ANSWER:   I was never big into the Discordian theories. I mean, where is the sense in telling everyone to "Freak Out?" But I dabbled in it for awhile until I caught "Night Fever." It caused my arm and finger to sway rhythmically to the sky, then to the ground, then to sky again, over and over. I needed to get a shot every week for four months to cure that one.


QUESTION:     Skippy, why are men so stupid?? (JGCrist)

ANSWER:   I don't know, but I'm not going to blame Monday Night Football. I would hate for all of us to miss out on that. Instead I'll say that men are stupid because of their jeans. No, not genes; jeans. See, we wear our pants loose, decreasing our overall blood pressure, which allows brain cells to leak into our bloodstream and into our feet. The tight jeans that women wear help prevent this. Thus, smaller feet.


QUESTION:     Why is the sky blue? I mean they told us that dispersion of light thing but , sheeesh (jacc)

ANSWER:   Yeah, I'm with you. Science is just a bunch of hogwash! Hogwash, I say! Speaking of which, where did that term come from? Did old colonial towns have a designated hog washer that was always crazy? And why don't we ever refer to the rapier wit of the Hat Polishers?


QUESTION:     Did you like the x-files movie skippy? ( Assuming you could get in.) (jacc)

ANSWER:   I haven't seen it yet. I only got as far as the K-files, and I'm starting to lose interest.


QUESTION:     Why are so many people dying of cancer? Is it that hard to find a solution to the problem or are we not paying the scientist enough? (shannon)

ANSWER:   The scientist? Well there's our problem right there! We only have one guy working on it! I promote you to honorary Scientist's Helper for helping us solve this mystery, shannon! You get a gold star (Skippy licks star, places on shannon's forehead))


QUESTION:     I ran into the wall, and I broke my pinky. How can I hide it? It's so embarrassing considering I'm mentally ill. (Angelina M Schleusener)

ANSWER:   Tie your entire arm to your torso and leave one sleeve empty on all of your shorts. Fabricate a good lie. Tell everyone that you lost it lookin' fer lost pir'at treasure!



ANSWER:   Yes. Now all you need is a Left Kevin and a NorthEast Kevin to have a complete set. Good luck, I hear that they are much harder to find!


QUESTION:     Do you love the movie "The Corruptor"? I just love that movie. (Sharon Paden)

ANSWER:   Was that the one where Kevin Bacon and Richard Simons go into business together as dairy farmers? Oh wait, that wasn't it. Ah well. As long as Pauly Shore wasn't in it, I'll go along with you and say "WOW, WHAT A GREAT FILM!"


QUESTION:     Is wind direction related to, winds blowing from, or winds blowing to? (Sharon Paden)

ANSWER:   What about when the wind blows straight up? I want to hear those weather channel punks forecast THAT one sometime. It would be neat though. You could just walk outside and hover.


QUESTION:     does jay like me as a girlfriend? i need help. im talking to jay and i want to know if its gonna go further then "just friends" (Brat)

ANSWER:   Brat and Jay...yeah that definitely sounds like a winning combination to me...


QUESTION:     I heard John recently wrote some brochures on philosophy (or at least his philosophy professor), but I couldn't recall the titles. Did John by any chance tell Skippy the titles??? (Melby)

ANSWER:   No. John didn't tell me. But his memory is even worse than mine! If you'd be so kind as to refresh it with an email, I'll make sure it gets on the page.


QUESTION:     how does drano unplug drains? (Nancy Pfaff)

ANSWER:   Little Angry Clog-Fighting Energy Midgets (L.A.C.F.E.M. for short). Fun fact!: The active chemical agent in Drano is the same one used to soak cocoa beans in to produce the rich flavor of Oreo cookies!


QUESTION:     I've always considered myself straight, but lately i've been thinking a lot about a friend of mine that is the same sex as me, i wondered what it would be like to kiss her, or even go out with her, is this normal, what should i do? (J)

ANSWER:   You and your ferret might both be male, but that kind of behavior is against the law in 47 states! If you're really into trying it, I suggest going to New Hampshire, West Virginia, or Maine.


QUESTION:     I seem to have fallen in love with someone because he told me a story about wearing the same pair of socks every day for seven weeks. Is this completely abnormal behavior? (Lisa Roth)

ANSWER:   Not at all. I'm rather excited about it to. Maybe the three of us could get together and....wash socks sometime!


QUESTION:     i'm bored. mail me some food. (GoldFissh)

ANSWER:   If I mailed you a bag of goldfish crackers, wouldn't that be cannibalism? Besides, why should I bother? If I overfeed you you'll just be floating upside-down tomorrow morning anyway...then you would stop up my toilet and I would need Energy Midgets to get it working again.


QUESTION:     how can my heart have room for love when it is already filled with blood? (XSparky83X)

ANSWER:   How can my brain be filled with all this knowledge when it's already filled with pudding and small stones? Good one-liner though. I think you should go work on the whole "Cancer Cure" thing with shannon.


QUESTION:     should i go back into diapers because i wet my pants at work? (christine)

ANSWER:   Nah. Just tell everyone that the stains are from "genetically excessive leg sweat." People will fall for anything if you blame it on genetics these days. Fat? Genetics. Stupid? Genetics. Just Murdered Eighteen People Using a Horse Spleen? Genetics.


QUESTION:     Why is Britney Spears' big toe so abnormally large? (Jane)

ANSWER:   If that is the first abnormally large thing you notice when you look at her, we need to get your vision checked!


QUESTION:     What are the five deadly venoms, in order from Number One to Number Five?
(BONUS ROUND: What did teacher say, is Number Five's weak spot?) (Sam da Penguin)

ANSWER:   I believe they are:
1) Sunny D
2) Anything with the word Mocha in it
3) The smell of a decaying Elvis
4) Tropical Punch Sunny D
5) Fat Guy Sweat (Bonus: I wash myself with a rag on a stick, hu-yuc"

QUESTION:     WhAt ArE ThE wOrDs To The GiLlIgAn'S iSlAnD sOnG? (Michael Shaughnessy)

ANSWER:   Sorry, I don't speak PrE-TeEn HaXoR anymore. I used to, but I kept breaking my Shift keys on the keyboard.


QUESTION:     Skippy, I have a nest of duck eggs in my yard and the momma duck left. Will you come to my house and sit on the eggs so the babies will hatch? (Jess)

ANSWER:   Only if I am treated to a daily meal at your house where I can gorge myself on a large plate of butter. Do you have cable tv?


QUESTION:     Who discovered america? (Jess)

ANSWER:   Astonishingly enough, me. I called the US patent office and no one had claimed it yet, so I went ahead and filled out the form. Now I command you to walk and talk backwards, for the midwest is now known as !Backward the of land The


QUESTION:     Why is it that nothing in the Allanis Morisette song "Ironic" is actually ironic? Am I the only person on earth that doesn't fall for her crap? (Cara)

ANSWER:   Are you trying to say that you don't respect her supreme, diva-like talents? I guess you've never heard her two new songs! She shows an entirely new side of herself in "Ode to everything colored black," and her angst-ridden ballad entitled "Why I hate springtime and people that smile" is sheer genius!


QUESTION:     I keep sending letters to David Letterman, but he never reads them out on the mailbag section of 'The Late Show.' What do you suggest I do to get my letters noticed? (Greg Pretty)

ANSWER:   If you really want to get noticed, build yourself a large wooden box and fill it half-full with dead fish. Address it to the Late Show, then climb in, having a friend nail the crate shut. Wait until you see the look on Dave's face when he realizes that it isn't a box of decaying meat after all, but actually a huge fan! I'm seeing a big hug for you in the near future!


QUESTION:     Hi Skiposity: Is that why the pelicans always swoop down? Or are the banana muffins at it again? (Jazzy Fish)

ANSWER:   What a coincidence. "Jazzy Fish" used to be my stage name in Vegas. My act consisted of hyper piano playing, then me flopping around on stage in a mock-seizure, frothing at the mouth. It really drew huge crowds at the Luxor.


QUESTION:     why does it hurt when I hit myself with a cast iron skillet?? (Lola46)

ANSWER:   Just keep at it. Eventually you'll develop a huge, leathery callous for protection. Then you can join me in Vegas and we can do the "Jazzy Fish and Skillet Girl" comedy hour. It'll be great!


QUESTION:     skippy, what is the meaning of lif? (Pimp'n Ain't EZ)

ANSWER:   Alas, I cannot help you there. I no more know the meaning of LIF than I know a way to do really easy pimpin'.


QUESTION:     why is my teacher mean he calls his family dorky and cusses in class and thinks it is cool? (Kat)

ANSWER:   Yeah, it sounds that way. Let's just hope that he isn't your English teacher.


QUESTION:     Okay - everybody tells me "Hey Derek - you're going bald!" Now - my hairline may not be where THEiRS is, but it isn't like I'm half bald or anything. It's been like this for years. Can you make them stop? (PsykoC77)

ANSWER:   For an average hair-loss situation, I would normally recommend the purchase of a bottle of Great Looking Hair (G.L.H.) from the infomercial on TV. But your case sounds more severe. I'm going to recommend that you buy a new product sold exclusively by T.R.O.N. called There Are Bugs On My Scalp (T.A.B.O.M.S.). How's it work? Simple. Using a patented process of reverse vacuumization filtering, we have coated the backs of several hundred insects with a glue-like substance and pressurized them in an easy-to-travel can. All you have to do is shave off your remaining hair and apply TABOMS. The bugs will stick on their backs, and in only a few minutes you'll have a well-scultped hunk of wiggling hair. Just look at their little legs move!


QUESTION:     Oh yeah - can you tell Tracey (subliminally of course - out loud and she'd hit me or something) to stop asking for EVERY little thing that catches her eye? So far I need to get her an island, a camel, a Ponderosa's, some dinosaurs, a bunch of little scuttling communists, a lightsaber, a speeder, and I have to get that island on a planet in a solar system which no one has discovered yet, and I have to create a little machine to control the weather with a butterfly-shaped bubble. Now can you see why I need your help? AAHHHH (PsykoC77)

ANSWER:   I say you trade it all in for a giant sack of magic beans. Then you can travel from town to town, with a big sign that says "Magic Beans for Sale." When people ask to see one, pretend to drop it on the ground. Then, when they're stooping over to look, whack them unconscious with the bag and loot them for valuables! Oh, and you might want to keep the dinosaurs and the communists. The dinosaur will be good for carting around all of your wealth. As far as the communists go, well, your dinosaur will need food now and then, right?



ANSWER:   Because of the Euclidian response to the manufacturing of inevitable time-space continuums residing primarily in the northern section of Madagascar. Or because I just ate too many tacos.


QUESTION:     What are some jokes I can tell to yellow page salespeople (Patti)

ANSWER:   I have been known to do a couple of things. I have two favorites.
The first is to let them tell one of those no-breath 30 seconds sentences, and then ask them to please repeat that because the TV was too loud. Repeat this several times until they get the picture. My record is 5 times.
The second is to recite the alphabet slowly until they hang up. I really love the confusion this one causes. My record is getting to "h."



ANSWER:   No. From what I hear, Australians dislike the Spice Girls due mainly to the distinct lack of songs about boomerangs, dingos, and baby-eating.


QUESTION:     Why won't my mom let me ditch school on Friday to go to the movies with my friends? I mean, there's only a few days left of school and I've never ditched school before! (Steven T. Hirahara)

ANSWER:   She's probably just worried that you will be adversely affected by popluar culture. These days, viewing just one episode of "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer" can turn children into murderous hooligans (and/or vampires). Now get back in your oxygen bubble.


QUESTION:     How can I tell if my crush likes me? (Megan S)

ANSWER:   How bad is he crushing you? You may have internal bleeding! Medic! MEDIC!


QUESTION:     Why are you into woodchucks? (JACK MONTGOMERY)

ANSWER:   I am actually a fan of all different kinds of chucks. All kinds, that is, except for that Hot Dog vender on 6th street named Chuck. He keeps all of his money at the bottom of the hot dog pot, so every time he has to make change he reaches into the scalding hot water to get it. Then all my money starts smelling like meat...


QUESTION:     Okay, well first off...Has anyone ever won your grammer contest? (Becca)

ANSWER:   Not yet. We are still waiting on an official submission from Al Gore, though. What an honor it would be to get a personal note from the man who single-handedly "made the internet."


QUESTION:     skippy, why do people feel the need to be back stabbing two facers? and why do they deny it after they have been caught?  (toubled in jackson,nj)

ANSWER:   I wish I had two faces. That way I could eat a bunch of oreos with one face without worrying about getting all of those little chocolate bits in my teeth.


QUESTION:     I recently found a venomous snake in my pillow case. Do you think the snake got there by itself or do you see the hand of Bob Saget at work? (Pantocrator)

ANSWER:   Hmm...this is an odd one. Do you live near any production studios? It sounds like an episode of ABC's new shock-comedy "Smile! You're On Infected-with-a-Deadly-Poison Camera." I would start carrying a weapon in the future just to be safe.


QUESTION:     Who is Ricky Martin really? What happens after he infects the teenie-bopper population with his "viva loca"? Could they then sack the world and procliam him King Ricky? (Pantocrator)

ANSWER:   If you listen REALLY closely, you can see through the disguise. Frank Sinatra never died, he just decided to get plastic surgery and become a latin singer! What else could explain the way that Ricky performs the exact same way every time?


QUESTION:     yo Skipper, am I slowly being turned into a farmer? some chickens ran away from home and decided to stay at our home for now. Can I get rid of them? or is it some sorta sign? help me man-(GrizzleDog)

ANSWER:   Perhaps it's the way you dress that is attracting them. Do you tend to wear a lot of dark yellow jumpsuits? Do you eat a lot of corn?


QUESTION:     So who is Skippy?  (Skippy Yoder)

ANSWER:   Me. I'm the king of answering any kind of question you might have. Well, actually I am more like a prince. Okay, more like a court jester then.  But I refuse to juggle!


QUESTION:     will me and justin go back out?  (The Decoste's)

ANSWER:   Yes, but I recommend that you never go back out to the Terror Swamp. Not that it's scary or's just a name. It's not even a swamp, it's a landfill. But I'm not going to wash your boots again! Those things were disgusting...


QUESTION:     Why did my band teacher make us play for two hours in the heat? Is he evil? (Laura)

ANSWER:   Yes, he's a vampire waiting for one of you to weaken and pass out. Make sure you get a lot of caffeine before class just to be safe.


QUESTION:     what should i wear tomorrow? (LiLMoXieLS)

ANSWER: about a finger brace to stop the spasms in your hand that are CaUsInG YoU tO dO ThIs?


QUESTION:     Hi there Skippy...In an area close where I live there is a potato chip plant w/ a terrible waste polluation problem that stinks most of the town...This was on the news a couple days ago...I have I believe a great Idea for the company to clean up and others to profit from my idea as well...I also would like to profit if possible...Is there someplace I can make my suggestion and hopefully profit myself? Please help...Thank you...(Carolyn)

ANSWER:   You live in Ruffles, North Dakota too?  My whole house smells like Sour Cream and Onion!



ANSWER:   Because we like you. M-O-U-S-Eeeeeeee


QUESTION:     I have a really big problem....what should I do? (Lupe)

ANSWER:   Find an equally big solution, preferably involving coating yourself in latex and selling old New Kids on the Block cds.


QUESTION:     Why is Marla such a hooch? Why does she think she's the shit? Why does she ditch her old good freinds for "cooler" ones? Why did she dump the nicest sweetest guy at prom for her gross, sleazy, pimp wannabe, poser, ex-boyfriend? WHY!!!!!!????????? (Lupe and Lola)

ANSWER:   I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you're bitter about something. if I could only put my finger on it....well, I would leave fingerprints, and that's not good. So I'll just wear gloves. Be right back.


QUESTION:     if i was in change of star trek,he'd be dr. spork instead of his lame name right now. (Eli nolastname)

ANSWER:   And if I were in charge of YOU, I would make sure that you asked a QUESTION next time, smart guy....


QUESTION:     Where can I find seeds to grow a money tree? I really need to start growing mine as soon as possible. Thanks. (Lupe)

ANSWER:   You'll need to send me a few dollar bills for a special "seed extraction" process that I have patented. Remember: bigger bills yield stronger money tree seeds! Oh, and shredded printouts of this page make great fertilizer.


QUESTION:     what comes first the egg or the hen. (ARUN GUPTA)

ANSWER:   That depends on the position.


QUESTION:     yeah, like, how come we got so many words and stuff and got words for other words and, like, synonyms for them and stuff and there ain't really no other word for THESAURUS? And stuff like that. (ricky)

ANSWER:   Okay...this is "Ask Skippy," not the "Old, Re-used Un-original Joke Mart." That's down the block and to the left. Common mistake...


QUESTION:     Dear Mr. Skippy, I have read enough of your answers to know that you are stalling and don't really have all the answers. When a person starts a webthing and uses the name "Skippy", people are prone to gravitate to the vibrational emanations of this historically prominent name with some hope of moral terpitude. Are you invoking this name for your own personal benefit or do you really have some answers? Are there really any answers or just more question-provoking statements? Can I e-mail a rubber duck? Fax? (ricky)

ANSWER:   Looks like you found your Thesarus after all, eh Rick? Congrats, lil buddy!


QUESTION:     why are guys such dorkus-malorkuses?? (Lupe and Lola)

ANSWER:   What do I look like, a 17th century Greek historian? Then again, what if I did look like one? I bet I would have enough ear-hair to make a shirt out of it!


QUESTION:     Which great opponent of Cartesian duellism resists the reduction of a psychological phenomena to a physical state, and insists there is no point of contact between the extended and the unextended?

ANSWER:   What is this, a scene from Good Will Hunting? Are you trying to impress me with your fancy words about history? If so, I would also like some apples.


QUESTION:     Why does males have more of a chance of getting aids? (Liz 826)

ANSWER:   I was about to say "because females have better grammar skills," but....


QUESTION:     i Wish to know how i can build my own bug Listening device can you get me plans and part list that tell me how (P & C Murphy Quality Invitations)

ANSWER:   You're going to implant them in your invitations, aren't you!? I will never take part in such evil!


QUESTION:     Skippy, A while ago you said that I had Shoulder length red hair, was 5'10'', and yodeled in Spanish. Well, HOW DID YOU KNOW????? (Jess)

ANSWER:   I used my theory of natural deduction, much like a 1-900 psychic. For instance, I know that at one time in your life, you had.....a MOTHER!!! Shocking revelation, isn't it? I bet you wish you could channel spirits too now...


QUESTION:     Skippy, I believe that you are wrong. NAked Boy WILL be elected for president in 2000, and you had better support him now if you enjoy your reproductive organs intact. WELL? what do you think of that? (Jess)

ANSWER:   I'm telling you...a pantless Bob Dole will just never get the votes. Especially with his gimpy hand that always is cluching his pen....cil.


QUESTION:     What is it with Ego today? why does everyone have one? (Jess)

ANSWER:   There was a big 2 for 1 sale at the mall. Didn't you get last week's Super Savin's Circular?


QUESTION:     Why do people yawn? (Yandillian)

ANSWER:   People yawn so that they can trap bugs, which are high in protein. I prefer lightning bugs because they make my eyes light up in the dark.


QUESTION:     hi, would u be skippy the kangaroo perchance? If so, who did push timmy down the well? (LISA GILLAM)

ANSWER:   Lisa, your domain is StAlbans-High.Herts.Sch.Uk. That hurts my brain. Was the computer networking guy at your school on crack?


QUESTION:     what does the snake symbol mean when used in the medical profession logo? (DShavatt)

ANSWER:   I think it's a warning for people who might not pay their hospital bills. "Pay up or we'll send snakes to your house."


QUESTION:     What makes a pickle kosher? (Elizabeth Hertz)

ANSWER:   I think that machine is made by Black and Decker. Just make sure you get one made by Black, becasue that Decker guy is a real slacker.


QUESTION:     we must each have our own purpose, or what would be the purpose of being? (JAMES C BISHOP)

ANSWER:   Why live life when you can just watch "The Real World" marathons on cable tv?


QUESTION:     Am I the Eggman? Or are you the Eggman? And who the hell is the Walrus? Eh, screw it, I want some donuts. (Brooke Dooley)

ANSWER:   Once again I'm going to skip doing a real answer and focus on something else. This is Brooke's email tagline: "Just because no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist." I like it. Congrats :)


QUESTION:     How do you fold a fitted sheet? (Elbe714)

ANSWER:   I like to store mine rolled tightly around a dead rhino.


Amused?  Ask a question!

--> Click here for some odd random phrases that people have used to find this page <--

<--Back to Ask Skippy!

758 Questions Answered in archives uno - ocho