Ask Skippy

Ask Skippy

Questions and Answers

Archive Siete

(162 Q and A's)

Now in liquid form for easier adsorption!


QUESTION:     Are you really Lord of all that is Nifty? I am Lord Protector of All That Is Right and Silly. Does that make us cousins or are you trying to usurp my power and kingdom? (Pantocrator)

ANSWER:   I think that might make us neighbors, but I don’t know about cousins. Oh, and will you please ask the Lord of the Dance across the street to turn down that dang irish music? And enough with the 4am tap-dancing, already!


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, does wanting sex 24/7 make me a nymphomaniac?  Will you sleep with me? ; )   (Highgodess)

ANSWER:   No, wanting it 25/8 does. And yes, I will sleep with you…but only with a 12-foot barbed wire fence (guarded by a small group of dogs) between us. And soft pillows…I’ll need soft pillows too.


QUESTION:     You never answered my first question, Mr. Skippy!!!!! So, I'll ask another one. *clearing throat* Well, why is it that when I put clothes into the washer, they are turned inside-out, but when I take them out of the dryer, they are inside-in or outside-out? (~Sarah)

ANSWER:   Sometimes the questions back up (much like the drain of a guy with lots of back hair would). The record so far is a waiting queue of 209 questions! But Skippy does his best! Oh, and I am ignoring the question  since you have a few more below. And because I am lazy.


QUESTION:     Have you ever wondered why we press harder on the tv remote control buttons even though we know the batteries are dead?  (~Sarah)

ANSWER:   Because that is how modern electronics work. Pressing hard increases the surface area of the allowable charge, raising its functionality. Take your keyboard for example. Then, after you take it for example, take it to dinner and a movie. It likes to get out sometimes too, ya know.   And what's the "we" part about?  Have you been breaking into my toolshed again?


QUESTION:     My friends Elaine and Christi-NA always use sound effects to talk. Whenever they describe something, they make a sound. What the hell?  (~Sarah)

ANSWER:   Got me <WaZAMM!>   That's a real puzzle <SpLUKaROOOooooo>


QUESTION:     Are you friends with that John guy? Well, if you are, can you ask him if he ever thought of putting the ducks up for ransom against the people who sent them? I was gonna send a duck, but a) I'm too freakin cheap b) if I did have money that I'd like to waste on a rubber duck I wouldn't buy one cause I'm too freakin lazy and c) I'd like to keep the duck for myself. What do you do with the ducks? Do you take baths with them? If you did, wouldn't the bathtub water surface be covered in ducks? Do you think that at night, when you are sleeping, the ducks come up to your ears and whisper soft brain-wash type stuff to you?   (~Sarah)

ANSWER:   I seldom talk to John, except at mealtime. He sings to me while I eat my portion of fried crickets and Gatorade. It really helps me when I need to quench that deep-down body thirst. Then the ducks take turns giving me relaxing backrubs and massages.


QUESTION:     Well, Mr. Skippy, since we aren't related, do you think that the deceased Batman might have been the real Skipper? Once again,Skipper needs to know that it is alright to come home! Oh, and one more thing:  Why does my cat keep eating my CD's? Am I not feeding her the proper cat food?  (Elka Bera)

ANSWER:   Maybe it’s simply an acquired taste. My cat has a genetic code that makes plastic bags taste sweet. Click here to read more about that.


QUESTION:     I have fallen hopelessly in love with yellow duck. Where can I write to him? Is he single? Is he even male?

ANSWER:   Oh he is DEFINITELY male. He watches SportsCenter and worries about his bald spot and everything. As far as being single, Yellow duck is currently unattached (except for the digits in his feet, which are attached with a web-like membrane to assist in water propulsion). Perhaps he will acquire a love interest in the next episode. Stay tuned!


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, What do you want to be when you grow up? Plus I like chicken.  (Signed, Shaggie)

ANSWER:   I want to get paid to respond to chicken-liking people and all other chicken-related questions.

QUESTION:     Skippy, you're slow. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it has to be said. Please hurry up, for those of us with nothing else to do, but check your page twenty times a day are really getting bored. Go ahead, check my grammer and spelling! Its fine! Go ahead insult me! I dare you! I could take you! (batmanhadmychildern)

ANSWER:   I might be slow, but I am WAY faster than a dead cheetah in a Reebok running suit!


QUESTION:     Should I abandon my dysfunctional biological family for my much better "adopted" family? They love me a lot more and I love them a lot more, but my biological mother is being whiny about getting dumped. I think she's just using me. (Lupe)

ANSWER:   That depends. What is your current asking price? I suggest starting a bidding war, working up from a simple stereo to a high-priced car or truck. "Money can’t buy happiness, but it can sure get you a heck of a  lot of cheese!"


QUESTION:     Vroomen ge hans ge kats ge shosen, verof gelagen mit mere?  (Marilyn Highland)

ANSWER:   Gargling profusely can really damage your tooth enamel. It sounds like you have been swallowing it all too…

QUESTION:     Do you like to stare at your monitor for hours until your eyes get all red, your hands cramp into small, bone-filled balls of muscle and your back bends in a 90 degree angle or is it just me?  (Scott Steinhorst)

ANSWER:   No. My back bends at a 720 degree angle. It really saves on bus fair though! Every time I want to travel, I just go to the top of a large hill and roll.


QUESTION:     hey skippy, what a cool name, i wish i was named skippy too. Your page is pretty freaking hilarious, very random just how i like it. I havnt though of a question to ask you yet, so ill just keep rambling for a while, im determined to think of a question tho. Ok i got one, well not really, i just thought that might speed up the thought process. Ok now ive really got one, nope, no i dont, i was lying again, sorry, i should really stop that, why do i lie so much??  (Violet35)

ANSWER:   Hey kids, after you reading the above question, you know what time it is! GRAMMAR CHECK TIME! That’s right, your favorite game in the whole world! Let’s play, shall we?
Total number of sentences: 5
Minus the total number of sentences using a single lower-case "i": 4
Minus other sentences with poor grammar: 1
Total number of grammatically correct sentences: 0
Thanks for playing the game, Violet!

QUESTION:     Skippy are you gay  (Craig Thompson)

ANSWER:   No, sorry to break your heart Craig. I hear that the boys on Home Improvement are looking for a studly gay man like yourself, though. Good luck!


QUESTION:     Will Jay and I get married tommarrow?  (Kayla0517)

ANSWER:   Tommarrow? Is that like bone-marrow? Why would you want to marry bone-marrow, let alone blend it up into a frothy, satisfying milk shake?


QUESTION:     Why is the interior of Barbarella's spaceship made of dead wookies?  Also, what is that gookie, snotty stuff I pick out of my dog's eyes, and how can I prevent it's build-up, so as to increase my dog's satisfaction with her life? She seems to suffer from low self-esteem due to this unsightly gop... Please help. (traydog)

ANSWER:   Yo yo yo, whatup traydog? Check dis. Me and my boy SkatzPackit, we was out ballin’ up at Tito’s crib last wiz-eekend, when like, up comes this trippy lil hoodlum callin’ hizzelf "The Notorius P.H.A.T" I be like, whatup with dat homosexual name, biz-nitch? He be like, nah bull nah, you ain’t talk that in my house. So then Skatz be takin out his nine, ready to regulate the whole sit-eation, and I haf to stop him being all like, chill bro chill. So we balled and I be like all OVER this punk, dunkin on his weak self and yelling "This is MY HOUSE baby MY HOUSE." It was all like a big adventure, and she-it.


QUESTION:     hi skippy, how come you've answered like 50 of that lola46 person's questions, and you haven't answered any of mine, huh? and why did my teacher tape toilet paper on his finger?   (Pimp'n Ain't EZ)

ANSWER:   Yo yo yo Pimp’n! Where you been at, baby? Why you gotsta be all pressin’ up on my woman last week? Now you been comin over here all like "I need your help, sir" and "what about the teacher, sir." Nah. You just a PUNK.


QUESTION:     Hey! I want my question answered, and i want no smart remarks, i dont wanna turn into a turkey myself, or no other weird surprises, U GOT IT? Are Kurt Cobain and jim Morrison and even Elvis actually dead? Or they all hiding on a
tropical island somewhere?  (CowChips36)

ANSWER:   No smart remarks? Then what’s the point? I choose to answer your question using the profound statement of a silent foreign film. <A blue door slams in the distance. A child weeps. Fade to black.>


QUESTION:     Are the makers of cheez whiz and spam drug abusers or in some form of mental hospital? (Kate)

ANSWER:   No, they are very, very rich and own several small islands in the Caribbean. Sometimes they get together for large feasts and partying. I think you can guess the main course.


QUESTION:     Skippy, I have a few questions for you. #1)Should I go out with Aaron 1 or Aaron 2? #2)Why are they so much alike? #3)Are you gonna answer my questions?  (Sweet Thang)

ANSWER:   1) Go midway. Cut them each in half and combine them into a more manageable Aarron 1.5. 2) It’s the haircut. There just aren’t many white guys named Aaron with four foot dreadlocks. 3) Maybe.

QUESTION:     will manchester united win the champions-league-final in barcelona?  (RogerBaumann)

ANSWER:   Hahah. You said "Manchester." Being an American, I find foreign sports funny. Manchester….man that’s a riot…

QUESTION:     Oh Wise SKippy, WIll you help me?? I think I am allergic to POP ROCKS! The world's greatest candy! The other day I had them in my mout and taunting my mother with them (she hates the sound of them in someone else's mouth)
And before I knew it, I sneezed them out my nose. Not only was it painful but it was very devastating. Oh wise Skippy, please help me with my allergy and help me get the last Pop Rock out of my nose, it really hurts!!  -(Dearest Lola)-

ANSWER:   I’m afraid that the only action we can take is to turn you upside down and fill your nasal passages with soda. If the urban legend holds true, this should work, propelling the pop rocks (as well as several large  chunks of nose flesh) outward. Then we can just glue the nose chunks back on. Wallah!

QUESTION:     Dear skippy, I freddie Prinze Jr. single?  (David Hughes)

ANSWER:   I skippy. You freddie Prince Jr.? You also David Hughes? I confused.


QUESTION:     WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE THAT HIRE BOB SAGET FOR SO MANY DIFFERENT T.V. SHOWS? Makes my head hurt.....makes me want to throw-up in my shoe...(Shadowdancer)

ANSWER:   Try and refrain from doing that. Most major department stores have a new policy of not taking back shoes reeking of fresh vomit. Can you believe that? I think it’s a crime against justice.


QUESTION:     What are crotch crickets? Who invented them (Biff)

ANSWER:   Sounds like you might need to bathe more, Biff-ster. I would buy some lice shampoo and get a Lyme disease shot too, if I were you. Unless of course you are referring to the European sport also named Cricket. But then I would just laugh and point at you (see above).


QUESTION:     How come the Cookie Monster gets to eat loads of cookies and he never gets stuffed?   (Riba White)

ANSWER:   It’s a tradeoff. I don’t care how many free cookies you offer me…you can’t put your hand up MY butt.

QUESTION:     Skippy how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?  Oh do you have any good sites on age restrictions? (shannon)

ANSWER:   We covered this one in the first archive, actually. In fact, let
me take some time out to go over the top five most-asked questions:
1) What should I wear tomorrow? (for those unoriginal people reading the
intro at the top)

2) Will _________ and I get married?
3) What is the mystery of life?
4) <your question>
5) Why?

QUESTION:     The strangest thing happened to me the other day. I was sitting there, and with the setting of the sun, and the  rising of the full moon, my body started sprouting tufts of hair, my teeth became long ang jagged, my fingernails seemed to hardenand grow pointed, and i had a sudden desire tp wreak havoc on my small little town of Prince Albert. I went to my doctor, and asked him about this strange occurence, and he just sort of looked at me weird, picked up the phone, and dialed the zoo. Im very confused-please help?   (Curtis Callioux)

ANSWER:   Sounds like cancer. You have 2 minutes to live. Sorry. Dibs on your misshapen teeth!

QUESTION:     Dear dear Skippy, Why do my normal teenage girls sit and laugh themselves silly whenever they read your Q & A page?  (Steven T. Hirahara)

ANSWER:   Either I’m uproariously funny, or it’s something in the air at your house. You may want to check for Radon gas emissions…


QUESTION:     Dear dear Skippy, Can you please make them stop "!"  (Steven T. Hirahara)

ANSWER:   I try!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I !!!!!!!!!!!!! try, but the !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just!!!!!!!!!!!!!keep!!!!!!!!!!!!!coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!dear!!!!!!!!!!!!!God make!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!it stop!!!!!!!!!


QUESTION:     Hey Skippy, : ) Why do People like you so much or is it that you like people so much or what?   (: Kat9815:)

ANSWER:   I like people that smile all the time. Either they are happy or crazy, but crazy people are usually happy, so it’s all the same to me. I think people like me because I make them laugh. Sometimes they just smile,  but hey, if I can brighten a day or two, I’m happy to do it.


QUESTION:     It is time for me to make a major life change. Do you have any suggestions?  (Melissa)

ANSWER:   Any time is a good time for life changes. I’ve got a perfect one for you! Walk around with shirts on your legs and pants on your chest, yelling "Help me I’m stuck in backwards land again!" Then give yourself a  well-deserved cookie. You can have two cookies if you send me a picture of your outfit.


QUESTION:     What is your favorite kind of peanut butter? Mine's chunky. (Laura)

ANSWER:   I like the kind with little chocolate sprinkles in it. Hey wait. Why are my sprinkles moving? Nevermind, they’re just ants. Hey, protean is good for us all, right?

QUESTION:     should i wear a shirt with a pink ice cream on it? The biggest question IS: will it clash my hair which is florescent pink?  (-tristesse)

ANSWER:   Do a color scheme test first by purchasing some actual pink ice cream. Coat your head in it.  Check for proper matching.


QUESTION:     What country is Pat Rueff from?  (Serra Catholic)

ANSWER:   What am I, a genealogist? Do I LOOK like I prefer denim? <Rim shot...>


QUESTION:     What is the niftiest thing in the world? (Pantocrator)

ANSWER:   Actually, I would have to say our entire system of communication. Isn’t it amazing that you can call a place on the other side of the globe and TALK to someone there with almost no lag time? Astonishing if you ask me. And a lot of people do. WOAH…sorry folks, I got a little too reality-based for my own good back there. Now that I think about it, the niftiest thing in the world probably be a time-machine made out of chocolate.


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, I stumbled onto your page while looking for pictures of ducks? Why, I hope you can tell me.
PS: Why is my bottom itchy?  (Kind Regards, Short Nails)

ANSWER:   I don’t know about the ducks, but the reason for the itchy bottom is probably that fiberglass underwear you use…ouch. I mean I know it’s stain resistant, but you just have to draw the line…


QUESTION:     Skippy, you are obviously all knowing and i wish to know how to make a fold in the fabric of space and time with nothing but toothpicks, beef jerky, lost socks, and spray cheese? i really would like to know. <jon-boy>

ANSWER:   I’ll do this like MacGuyver always did: I’ll tell you most of it, then leave out one part so I can’t be sued. First, attach the socks to your armpits with a heavy layer of cheese. Put the beef jerky in your pockets.  Now, with your ability to sweat blocked, and the beef jerky slowly degrading, the "Stink Factor" will rise dramatically, eventually forming a large tear in time-space. What you do with the toothpicks is up to you.


QUESTION:     Hey Skippy! I love your page! Okay, here's my questions:  1. How do they cram all that Gram? 2. How many licks DOES it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop™?  (Compute827)

ANSWER:   Check the archives for #2. We’ve been over that one. As far as the Gram cramming, I believe they used to place the gram in the big end of a large cone-shaped tunnel and play John Tesh music. The gram would retreat farther and farther back into the tunnel, thus "cramming" itself into one tiny (yet heavy) block of pure Gram.  Oh yeah, and it's spelled "Graham." ;)


QUESTION:     What do I want to be when I grow up?  (from Miss Dawn.)

ANSWER:   Indecisive?


QUESTION:     have you heard from a quaint character called Paco lately?  (aliencaerulean)

ANSWER:   No. That jerk still hasn’t apologized for the Noodle Incident of ’87.


QUESTION:     First of all, is this a rhetorical question?  Secondly, if heat rises, shouldn't it be hotter on the tops of mountains?  (-Jimbo)

ANSWER:   Perhaps. And perhaps all that deadly white stuff on the top of Everest is really just "Heat Snow." Here, take this 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew, this compass, and this pair of slightly-worn size 9 sandals and find out for us all! Remember: coats are for wussies!


QUESTION:     If gerbils suddenly usurped control of the dairy industry, stopping production of cheese and butter, what would you do?  (Seth Cottrell)

ANSWER:   I would make my own by milking a small population of badgers.  "It’s Badgertastic!™"


QUESTION:     Is common sense the least common of all senses? What is your personal philosophy? Why do my feet stink? (Pantocrator)

ANSWER:   I think I’ll take a Bill Gates on this one. I’ll have to say "that depends on your definition of ‘common.’" Oh, and then I would have to go roll around in my Giant Pit of Twenty Dollar Bills.

QUESTION:     Skippy, is it really all that?  (Seth Cottrell)

ANSWER:   It used to be. Then a few years ago it was only kinda that, then later it became not really that. Now it’s just known as The Artist Formerly Known As That.


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, I have alot of question's to ask you! Ok?? Now here goes. What is your full name? What is your birthdate and your sign? If you could be anyone in the world for a day who would it be? Which movie star/s do you
think is a slut Mariha Carry, Jennifer Love Hewitt, or Britney Spears? (I personally think ALL THREE of them are but who do you think is?) Well that's bout it, Skippy. So type to you laterz! Bye!  (*PeAcHeS*)

ANSWER:   Hah! Wouldn’t it be great if it were really that easy? The mystery continues….


QUESTION:     Why does Barbarella's spaceship have a shag interior?  (OZRN10701)

ANSWER:   That way you can just turn the ship upside down and shake all the crap out.  Besides, vacuuming in space is boring.


QUESTION:     Why are ice cubes called "cubes", when they really aren't cube-shaped at all?   (-traydog)

ANSWER:   I don’t like ice cubes anyway. I prefer Ice Hexagons. They take a little more time to chisel, but man, do they cool down a drink. You can find more wonderful products like Ice Hexagons by GOING HERE. Just don’t forget to come back, because there are more questions!

QUESTION:     If I'm seeing tiny red elephants riding on the back of a frog hopping in and out of my bathroom, am i eating enough plastic wrap? (RaVeN)

ANSWER:   Not useless the frog is talking. Sounds like you need to mix some tin foil into your diet. Try microwaving it first!


QUESTION:     Hey best friend is brittany spears...I have been in bed with her quite a few times too!!! But now she doesnt want to admit we did anymore now that she is famous!!! How do I get her to expose the truth(or maybe something else)?(Sean)

ANSWER:   Hey, you must be that famous guy Sean! You’re the same guy that ate his own weight in butterflies on that TV special right? And then went on to drown himself in a puddle of his own urine? Oh wait, that’s next week…sorry.


QUESTION:     hello skippy...we were wondering-what should we ask you for a question? do you have any perferences on what you like to answer? here's one...I hope this is to your liking: "Will the pink, purple, and red elephants that fly (although, technically, the red ones GLIDE-but thats beside the point) come and get us today, or tomorrow or Marchuary the 45th...we want to make sure we're prepared (hee hee hee) (Thanks, The Foool and Cookie)

ANSWER:   I love answering questions that are funny! Oh…sorry. I didn’t mean that as a personal attack or anything. Oops. Sorry again. I did.


QUESTION:     alright skippy--heres the deal, batman is now a free bat. yep he's been let of the laboratory cage. and they never acTUALLy killed him, see that was his STUNT double who DID take all the falls for him. im not a stalker, lies. and the dog never did miss me. my mother's insane too. I MEAN WAIT......did you know batman lives with Billy Joel? he's a very nice man. he let me see the batcave. woo ha (tracey)

ANSWER:   Sorry to hear about the accident. But that’s what happens when you mix "a bottle o’ red…a bottle o’ white…" BOOM.


QUESTION:     do bats cry? (jebb)

ANSWER:   Only if you take away their tiny bat toys.


QUESTION:     What makes doves cry? (Pantocrator)

ANSWER:   Probably seeing The-Artist-Formerly-Unknown-And-Then-Known-As-Prince -And-Is-Now-Represented-Just-By-A-Symbol-And-Hasn’t-Had-A-Memorable-Song-In-Years


QUESTION:     Is Jello the only material that can be made into a "solid" and that can only be turned back into a liquid by slurping it up?  (-Confused)

ANSWER:   No, the same thing happens when you put little pieces of Rat Poison under your tongue. Try it!


QUESTION:     Skippy, Is that guy on Savoir Faire gay? I was just wondering because he acts like it all the time. (otto)

ANSWER:   Hey man, I don’t know what kind of TV shows you watch, but it sounds like you’re BOTH a little "fruity."


QUESTION:     Wow, but who would be dumb enough to name me boB?? (still woundering if my name is really boB........................or is it Bob??)  (Thomas McCall)

ANSWER:   Hey, at least your name wasn’t entered in the Social Security system right before a power surge. I know a girl named Samath$#26gvSD63gSDB~~&NoCarrier.


QUESTION:     Why is it that when you pronounce your e-mail name, jgephart, that it sounds like jig-a-fart?   (AngryShrew)

ANSWER:   Nope. It’s pronounced (Jay-Gep-Heart). But thanks for reminding me of the ridicule I received from that 4th-grade gym class when a substitute teacher announced my name that way….


QUESTION:     Skippy!!   Help me!!!!! i think i'm think i'm turning into a teeniebopper!!!   NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I found out today that i think the new n'sync (otherwise known as n'suck) and the new backstreet boys songs much as it hurts to say it........good. :( AHHHH what am i to do? Do i need a rap fix or a hip hop hook-up? or what?? help skippy help!!!  before i know it i'll be buying....gasp......hanson cds!!!  NOOOOOOOO!!!! something HAS to be done to stop it!!!!   (Melissa)

ANSWER:   Kids: pay attention. See that mess of punctuation up there? It could happen to you. Don’t smoke Goofball like Melissa does.

QUESTION:     why do men have nipples?  (dan yell)

ANSWER:   Probably so really fat guys can draw a half-circle on their stomach and make a smiley face. Everyone put on your thinking caps, it’s imagination time! (Don’t forget about the forest of chest hair!)


QUESTION:     hiyyas!!**giggles an batts her lashes sweetly** will yoo marry me..?pwetty pwaeeeeease..? I'll looooove yoo an huuuuuug yoo an pet yoo an call yoo george!!**squeals wiss delite**(Becca)

ANSWER:   I’m sorry, my mother won’t let me associate with anyone lacking a tongue. (Hold your tongue and try this one too, kids! It sounds the same!)


QUESTION:     I have a question...a soliloqoy is when an actor says his thoughts out loud, it's a one person conversation...if that person had multiple personalitys and talked among themselves..would it still be considered a soliloqoy..?being there are different sides and opinions presented ,yet it is technically one person...(Becca)

ANSWER:   I don’t know, but that brings me to a question I’ve often asked myself: If two people talk, it’s a dialogue, so wouldn’t three people make a trialogue? And does it count if one of those people is really a sheep in a pizza delivery uniform?

QUESTION:     How do you make a peanut butter and jelly sandwitch?  I am applying for a fire department training position. I am to give a 15 minute presentation on this subject. Any ideas?   (Rustjim)

ANSWER:   A sandwitch? They’re the worst kind. They’re like the Wicked Witch of the West combined with the entire cast of that lame WB show "Charmed" combined with a large jar of rancid applesauce.

QUESTION:     Are my fears founded? Are you both one and the same? Or are you separate beings, Siamese at the cheek? Or something?  (Serge Benard)

ANSWER:   That all depends on where you founded them. If you founded them on 2nd street around 3pm, then I’m going to have to take-ed them back-ed. They are mine-ed.


QUESTION:     If our knees bent the other way, what would chairs look like?  (Elizabeth Hertz)

ANSWER:   Probably the same design. What I would be worried about is stretching too far and falling on my face instead of my back. Well, that and how funny basketball players would look.


QUESTION:     Oh grandmother Skippy, what big Eyes you have...and what big teeth you have...and what big -hey WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?! Get it away from me...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (Brock J Savage)

ANSWER:   Oh that’s just my tooth ring. I tried all the others: lip ring, eyebrow ring, etc, but they were simply too mainstream for me. So I had my teeth pierced. I also have tattoos all over the bottom of my feet!


QUESTION:     hahaha?   Are you a loser?  do people look at you and say, "there goes a loser?"  (XZCobra)

ANSWER:   No, they’re usually too busy laughing at your knee-high, Care Bear socks.


QUESTION:     Why does my friend Nathaniel's little brother Ben's friend Muzz suck so much. We asked Muzz himself when we interviewed him for the B.B Chugit Chugeriffic fun hour®*, but he sucked too much to answer the question so I was hoping you could answer it for me.  *actual show may not actualy be one hour long  (The Shores)

ANSWER:   You mean you’re really upset with the friend of the brother of your friend? Sounds like you need to develop some social skills of your own. Dump that TV show and head to the local mall. Pick up some baggy  jeans (big enough to store at least a small family of weasels in) and a bunch of Tommy Hillfiger t-shirts. Now hang outside of the food court and nod while saying "Sup" to everyone. Congratulations! You’re now a really cool high-school homeboy!^                                      (^nipple piercing not included)


QUESTION:     dear skippy, i'm flunking my aural skills class. what should i do?  (-sally)

ANSWER:   Your "plane of consciousness" is properly in serious need of repairs. We’ll have to do a major overhaul on it. But it’s quite costly. I recommend going with a new plane, such as a Cessna 750BT or a SandPiper Level-Wing.


QUESTION:     why do my spies lie? (Agent 99)

ANSWER:   Paying them in something other than "your weight in fresh clams" would probably help.


QUESTION:     why won't they bring "get smart" back to TV Land so i can pretend im a spy too? (Agent 99)

ANSWER:   You don’t need TV to pretend! Heck, just look at all the recent school shootings! Okay, okay, that was a little cheap of me. I’ll go punch myself in the face and save everyone the trouble.

QUESTION:     ok you can tell my why that this one guy like me, but my best friend likes him......AHHH. why is the world backwards?? (agent 99)

ANSWER:   The world is backwards due to a circa-1957 Superman Comic Book. In the issue, entitled "Superman and the Mysterious Purple Cheese Menace," Superman uses his super speed to fly around the Earth at supersonic speeds. The resulting tornado reverses the spin of Earth, destroying the polarity of the evil Cheese Menace. But Superman forgets to set the world back into its proper rotation. I asked Superman about it recently, but he’s really let himself go these days. After they wrote him out of the script in 1996 with that whole "Death of Superman" issue, he just sits around watching TV and drinking cheap whisky. He also hasn’t showered in a week and his neighbors are starting to complain about his SuperStench.


QUESTION:     Hey Skippy, Did you see what I wrote in your guestbook? well thats the question.  Talk later Hecate goddess of Darkness.

ANSWER:   I’m sorry, I don’t get to see the guestbook very often. John only lets me out for a bi-weekly feeding and daily exercise session. Next week we’re playing ping pong! Did you hear me? PING PONG!!!


QUESTION:     Dear Captain Xavier Monkey Man:  Pleae answer my question:  1. Why are my pants squishy?  2. Why does my nose attack my left ear all the time?  (CappnCrappy)

ANSWER:   Your question? I see two of them there. So which one should I answer? You’ll get back to me on this one, right?


QUESTION:     hey,yur a nifty person,goats are nifty animals,so what's up with their eyes??huh?!?they're rectangular!WHY MAN WHY????and also,why do sheep go to heaven and goats go to hell?i think it's a conspiracy..  (GUBF'n'OSHA)

ANSWER:   As you’ve probably already noticed, I rarely run the questions I receive through the spell checker. I find it much more amusing to leave all the mistakes in. Instead of answering this one, I’ll just note that spellcheck finds -8- mistakes in this tiny message. Oh, and the goats go to hell because of what they keep doing to my brother. Every morning he goes out and finds his truck covered in wool. Dirty, messy wool. It’s quite a mess, and the garbage collectors are starting to get mad at us…


QUESTION:     Ok I have to hunt you down in order for you to answer my all important questions...anywho my question...ITS THE CHEESE MEN I TELL YA!!!...They are still after me and nothing I do helps, so do you have any advise on why they're doing this to me and what I can do to stop them?By the way, I think my friend Jenny wants you!!!  (GlamRckStr)

ANSWER:   What does Jenny want me for? Does she want to fry me in rich creamery butter and cover me in a light raspberry sauce? Does she want to dress me up in a green smock and sell me to gypsies? Out with it, man! (P.S. I -am- the Cheese Men. Tremble.)

QUESTION:     why do you have this fixation with yellow ducks? (duckeater)

ANSWER:   They are great mechanics. They change your muffler faster than Jimmy Lube, and you don’t have George Foreman looking over your shoulder and blabbering about how all five of his sons are named George….


------------------------------------500th Question!!!--------------------------------------------

QUESTION:     No her name REALLY is Dice.  (Erik Lindberg)

ANSWER:   So if I cut her in half, would I have a pair of Dice? Or would I just have two individual Dies? If SHE died in the process, wouldn’t I have three?

------------------------------------ 500th Answer!!! --------------------------------------------


QUESTION:     Hi Skippy! Sup? Listen Skippy, I gotta ask u something. Do u think the guy I really like may like me too?  (Jack Leski)

ANSWER:   What am I, psychic? Okay, you caught me, I really am psychic. Put I would need a pair of his socks to be sure of my answer on this one.


QUESTION:     Why are people so stupid? Is it like them or is everyone stupid but me?  (Dazed and Confused)

ANSWER:   Is what all "like them?" Is this some kind of ancient riddle? May I see your building pass? Security!


QUESTION:     hey skippy.. how's it hanging. Um.. i forgot my question again.. oh ya!  now i remember.. i have problems with that.. i forget alot. isn't that horrible.. anyway, on to my question. Why do dogs howl? What makes them do it? Are they like werewolves or something, cuz werewolves howl too..  but they're already dogs so would they be like werehumans? what about weremonkey's? but human's don't howl.. well then again, there are the odd few.. like my sister.. she barks too.. scary stuff. Specially when she does it to the neighbours.. i think my dog get's jealious when she does that cuz that's his job. Oh well. Thanx skippy.  (michele lichak)

ANSWER:   I once had a were-turtle. Every full moon it would sprout a ton of hair on its body and go nuts. But it wasn’t all that scary. Even though it moved twice as fast, you had several minutes to dodge. Plus, all the hair would cram it into the shell. It could barely get its head out to snap at us.


QUESTION:     Why do wolves call each other Momma Wolf?  (according to you in answer to Richard's wolf-tail question)  (SaintP)

ANSWER:   Actually, they call EVERYTHING Momma Wolf. Trees, bugs, whatever. It’s had as heck to hold any length of conversation with them. It’s all just "Momma Wolf" to them. Unless they see something really ugly and are making fun of it. In that case, they call it Richard, but we’ve gone over that one before.


QUESTION:     is it wrong for someone 14 to date someone 16?  (ZimZum136)

ANSWER:   If one of them is 14 in DOG years, then yes, it’s a big problem. Consult with your congressman. No really, consult with them. They get really bored on the weekdays.

QUESTION:     ok...hey skippy ...ok...I have a girlfriend, I love her very much but , every time the backstreet punks...I mean boys come on...she screams and I nearly go deaf. She is obssessed with nick carter and I want to slowly and painfully kill him.  Now what can I do about this?  (GlamRckStr)

ANSWER:   Do you really need me for this one? Go buy a shovel, dig a pit, and stock up on black garbage bags. You have to do the rest! Or, you could just shave your chest, pierce your nipples (see above), grow a goatee, and form your own mega-hip all-male trio. If you get a really fat guy as a partner, he counts for two people!


QUESTION:     Hey Skippy!  I am addicted to you page! (Okay, okay ... don't let your head swell!) But anyway, I am in you page everyday and there's one thing that I have not seen.... WHERE THE HELL IS THE STUPID BLACKHOLE!!!!!!!  SHOW IT, DAMN IT!  IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!!!  (Thank you. Lilly =o)

ANSWER:   Hah! All I can tell you is to keep looking. It’s not a secret if I go telling where it is, now is it? I suggest you look for a clue on the main page. Happy hunting!


QUESTION:     Hi Skippy I want to know which Guy will I marry? Peter, Gary,Tim,Brent? think you can help me here? (Thanks Di YtLaceRose)

ANSWER:   Sounds like you need to use Dr. Skippy’s Marriage Test. Get some blue spraypaint and write the names of all four guys on the pavement in a busy intersection. Then, when a car is coming, leap into it’s path with  your fingers crossed. Whichever name has the most blood on it afterwards, that’s the lucky guy! Oh, and keep those fingers crossed, or it doesn’t work!


ANSWER:   You get hit in the knees with my large wooden mallet that has the words "Overused Cliché Joke" on it. <Whack!>



ANSWER:   <Whack!> <Whack!> And since you’re so clever, here’s an extra: <WHACK!>


QUESTION:     what should i where tomorro.  (WPeterman)

ANSWER:   What? Where? Tomorro! I don’t know, but I suggest wearing it in an English class.


QUESTION:     why? who? and in how many shades? (STARxBLISS)

ANSWER:   Because of the liquid sunshine, placed there by Regis, in slow motion using 972 shades of white.

QUESTION:     dear skippy, there's cybe sexr, there's phone sex, what about mail sex? anyway tohave sex through the us postal service?  (-marimba mama)

ANSWER:   Yes, but the gasping portion can take several tedious weeks. Unless you use UPS Overnight Express…


QUESTION:     What should I wear tomorrow?  (Drema Ferguson)

ANSWER:   A large, thick plastic bag. Tie it at your feet.


QUESTION:     Skippy Skippy SKIPPY!!!! I KNEW you would jinx me!!!! As soon as I find you have published the letter with me saying I had a girlfriend I realize that I no LONGER DO!!! Why is it that they run from me??? AM I REALLY THAT PSYCHOTIC!!!! (If you haven't realized it yet this is BATMAN you lucky guy you - I WILL NOT DiE THAT EASILY, or ever for that matter) BATMAN IS HERE TO STAY!!! haha - I hate my life sometimes... Stupid Vortex (the thing in my head that causes my life to swarm with disaster and strange bad things) is at it again. I have a little brother (Potato) who's taller than me, everything i do I screw up - and if you can't find anything to make fun of in there you're dyslexic -if i even spelled that right. AHHH! TO THE BATCAVE. (somebody please sedate me....)  - Batman  P.S. you really seem to like putting stuff Tracey says on your ques, page - you should see how she acts in person, strager - if that's believable.  (PsykoC77)

ANSWER:   I acted Strager once. It’s one heck of a tough part. All of those lines to memorize. I would wager it’s the hardest role in the entire Die Hard musical, other than Bruce Willis of course. But at least you get to wear more lace than he does.


QUESTION:     How come my mom alwayz goes to sleep at 3:30am?  (Celenia Ramirez)

ANSWER:   Can you be sure that it’s your mom? It might be a hippo. Not to say your mom is fat or anything, but you should check. There are skinny hippos too. They’re very sneaky. Has "Mom" been eating large quantities of vegetable material lately?


QUESTION:     skippy, is "Kiki" a Polynesian word for: Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts?  (Pimp'n)

ANSWER:   No. It refers to a tropical recipe for a hallucinogenic pudding.


QUESTION:     Skippy, I couldn't help notice that many of your respondents were illiterate, stoned or retarded. Are you practiced in the art of mental therapy? You seem to be a cross between "Dear Abby" and "Dr. Demento." If you were going to sum up your philosophy in one sentence, what would it be?  (petehon24)

ANSWER:   I’m not a licensed therapist, unfortunately. I think Yale was just biased again people who wear shiny green suits every day of the week. Anyway, as far as mental therapy goes, I’m not very skilled. But when it comes to Mental Exercises, I’m your man. My brain alone can bench press four times its own weight!  (Oh, and consider that last sentence to be my philosophy too)


QUESTION:     Who is the Strawberry Frog? I really want to know.  (Robynn Weldon)

ANSWER:   The Strawberry Frog?   Funny your should mention it!  That was my stage name in Vegas. I was in musical theater. We used to be called the "Five Tasty Flavored Amphibians." Are you the one stealing all my fan mail?


QUESTION:     Ever since I started reading your "wise answers," I have had this unsatiable desire to eat the bark off of cacti. But I only like Mexican cacti, so will I die if I taste the Mexican water from this plant?  (-Hustle-)

ANSWER:   No, but you may want to just try the pudding instead (see above).


QUESTION:     i haven't asked you something in awhile. why does britney spears get stuck in my head, then i start to sing it and i get pelted with rotten lettuce? would be wrong to KILL her? i mean come on....ohhh see this...fake killing.....but theres blood. WHY IS IT ILLEGAL TO KILL HER? (tracey)

ANSWER:   I guess you haven’t heard about the recent bill that Congress just passed, making it legal to murder any celebrity on a three page list of known offenders. Ms. Spears is on the top of page two, right next to the Power Rangers and Chris Rock (who John paid $30+ to see and was utterly disappointed by the 45 minute show).  And as far as her songs getting stuck in your head, don't forget that her initials are "BS."  Think "musical quality" on this one.


QUESTION:     skippy~ i have a few questions... how come when i pee it burns?... how those damn squirrels are always after my nuts?... if fuzzy wuzzy was a bear and fuzzy wuzzy had no hair how fuzzy was he?... how come i can't write my name in snow jimmy can do it? well thanxs all wise and knowing skippy!  (Tracy)

ANSWER:   …why do all of your sentences have no capitalization?…and why do they start with these three dots?…why is -that-, ~tracy?


QUESTION:     Why doesn't steph know what she wants to ask? Is there something wrong with her or was it the cheese?  (allison caldwell)

ANSWER:   Neither. Are you sure that she has been taking her medication? Those lung mites can be ravenous if not kept I check by large doses of caffeine!


QUESTION:     OH!! Skippy you are truly the only one who can help Does everyone love the godess of love or does the godess love everyone? If you could anserw this I would be REALLY greatful because the olypians are starting to get really mad and Zeus said that he might take my jod away and give it to the infamous Astarte wich would mean we would ALL have to go back in the cramped time machine like the time Ares had to become god of war because it was so popular in the year 2 B.C. and Hermis let it out and it stunk for the next 3000 years and I really don't want to do that and need help so if you could just give me a clue...? Well luv you thanks! or do you love me....  (Aphrodite Dione)

ANSWER:   Hello class, and welcome to 7th grade History. I’m Prof. Skippy. I know that all of you will just LOVE all of the Greek Mythology that we will be learning this year. Let’s begin by assigning everyone a "Greek name." Yes Jimmy, you can be Hermes. Julie, you can have Aphrodite. Now let’s all open our textbooks and turn to page one. "Way up high in the clouds there was a mystical place called Mount Olympus, where the gods all ate nothing but ambrosia…"


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, I have a Starburst jelly bean compulsive eating disorder. I can't seem to stop eating them. Well, I need your advice of how I can stop eating them.  (Amber)

ANSWER:   Simple. Just do what I do. Whenever I get addicted to a certain food, the only way to stop is to surround myself by a different food until I no longer have any cravings. Last week I threw out all of my food and stocked my cupboards with canned pears. Try it, it really works. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some pear-eatin’ to do.


QUESTION:     If I name my new dog "Catfish", what will happen???  (Nila Holmes)

ANSWER:   Umm….people will laugh at you and point, calling you "Crazy Nila," maybe?


QUESTION:     Will I marry a man I met in a chat room named "The K Man"? If so, when, where, and how?   (Nila Holmes)

ANSWER:   Not with a dog named Catfish, I tell ya!  And certainly not at the Baltimore Inner Harbor Aquarium on the second floor next to the starfish exhibit at 6:18pm on July 27, 2004!


QUESTION:     Skippy, How do I kill sugar ants in my house using homemade bait?  (Erika)

ANSWER:   Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica. There are thousands of ants for every human on this planet. As you can see, ants can never be stopped! YOU KILL THEM AND THEY KEEP COMING! They’re everywhere! They are trying to take control of the computer! Get em off! Get the ants off of me! Oh no my eyes ahHHH--- ……anT3 ar gud. No hurte the aNt3! 


QUESTION:     what the hell does getting jiggy with it mean? This is driving me mad can you please explain this too me.(chris)

ANSWER:   Whatever it is, I have to strongly recommend you not get jiggy with it. Last time I got jiggy with something, I ended up with a lacerated spleen and two bruised ribs. And the ribs weren't even mine!   Getting Jiggy with it is only for true professionals. Do not attempt it at home.


QUESTION:     Dear Skipster, Ive got a fabulous idea. I say the answers, and you come up with the questions. Ok, here we go.  1) Mirrors, lots of mirrors.  2) I'd have to go with the King of Rabbits on that one.  Thanks for your time  (Francois Martin)

ANSWER:   1) What is all that shiny stuff that is lodged in Micheal Jackson’s throat? 2) What kind of maniac would do such a thing? (***Note: This original idea will be done once and only once.***)


QUESTION:     Hi, Skippy! My name is Captain Sean, and I am an airline captain. My question for you is very unusual, so I hope you can answer it. It baffled many scientists worldwide.  What would happen if I took Baby Spice's candy and pulled BOTH of her pigtails at the same time?  (-Captain Sean)

ANSWER:   Hmm…this is a tough one. I’m going to have to go with an answer of "The Spice Girls haven’t been a funny topic since late 1997" on this one, Sean. Excellent try though!


QUESTION:     Why do I suck so much? Why can't I be like Speedy Gonzales or the Roadrunner? I want to be FAST!!!  WHYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? (Lupe)

ANSWER:   Because you don’t have their secret ingredient: Hallucinogenic Pudding!


QUESTION:     Hi! I like kicking squirrels! Do you want to play hopscotch?  (ICPNitro54)

ANSWER:   I love a good game of hopscotch! You bring the chalk, I’ll go find that Scotch kid…


QUESTION:     if a donkey raped me would the president care?  (psychosmurf)

ANSWER:   That depends. Does he get to watch? Will CNN be there? Can I get a date confirmation on this event?  Is this a TicketMaster show?


QUESTION:     where is Michael Jackson's theme Park, u know, Never-Never Land  (Allstar709)

ANSWER:   Actually there are hundreds of Never Never Lands. I am sitting on mine right now. Micheal will Never Never be allowed in this one, let me tell ya….


QUESTION:     How come my ex-boyfreind stood me up last night? Is that why he's my ex?  Maybe, but why is he so stupid? Why does he beleive everything he hears on the Simpsons? WHY????? (Lupe)

ANSWER:   "I before E, except after C or when sounding like A as in neighbor or weigh"


QUESTION:     Were you in a particularly foul mood when you answered that last batch of 17 questions?   (Cheeks3724)

ANSWER:   No. I’m just cranky when the post office loses my weekly copy of  "Hideously Obese Housebound Fat People." And if we can’t laugh at the morbidly obese, who CAN we laugh at?


QUESTION:     I'm a woman why are my feet so big?  (Stephanie floyd)

ANSWER:   See above ;)


QUESTION:     Dearest Skippy~ Why,oh, why must she swallow that fly??? (Adia285)

ANSWER:   Because she has an eating disorder. Don’t worry, it will be back up soon.


QUESTION:     Dearest Skippy~ Why is it that my dog has an obsession with licking my toes after I get out of the
bathtub?? It makes me feel all gross and yucky! (Adia285)

ANSWER:   Hey, be happy. At least you don’t have huge feet like Stephanie!
(I swear, this is the actual order that I received all these questions.


QUESTION:     So how did YOU get the name Skippy? I've been living down that nickname for five years, but mine came because my real name is Annette and Annette Funacello did Skippy peanut butter commercials....imagine being a woman and being called Skippy, will I ever live it down?   (Annette Smith)

ANSWER:   It dates back to my early days as a young lad.  My aunt was taking me on a walk in the woods, and off I scampered, breaking free from her grasp.  She begged and pleaded for my return, but to no avail.  It was the forest that I so enjoyed as a boy.  But after a few hours of searching, my aunt just gave up and went home, calling my parents to inform that I was dead from a bear attack.  The truth was that I lived in the forest for eight months, eating nothing but berries and tree moss.  One evening, while drugged out on the red "fun berries," I could have sworn that a woodchuck called me "Skippy."  The name stuck...


QUESTION:     Skippy, We must put your skills to the true test... Xena, Gabrielle or Callisto?  (Steven E. P. Knapp)

ANSWER:   Well, considering that all three fall in the "non-heterosexual" category, I would have to go with Piolana, the goddess of small woodland creatures.  Man, she is one foxy babe.  Literally.


QUESTION:     why must i lie to keep THEM happy? (not telling you who this is, they are SPIES)   (Crabby14)

ANSWER:   I would answer truthfully, but I can't.  The spies are on to me too.  So instead I will have to resort to our secret code:  L56-Jingle-1900.  Good luck on your mission, Agent Lemon Foot!


QUESTION:     This fishes common name refers to a type of culinary dish. It's Greek name refers to a weasel! What is it?  (chivo)

ANSWER:   I'm going to have to go with "Chivo" on this one.  And to call it a culinary dish....that's a stretch.   Boiled tree sap and liver just don;t appeal to me these days...


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, I was having a philosophical discussion with a collegue of mine and was told that you can determine the extent of Satanism in women(witches) by comparing the mass to gravity ratio of said woman to the mass to gravity ratio of a common duck, as both will float in water. Can you cast some light on this subjuct? Thanks. (Scott Steinhorst)

ANSWER:   There's your first mistake: a philosophical discussion.  I say "screw philosophy."  It's nothing but theoretical ramblings of dead people.  Whenever I need to make a decision, I don't rely on "realms of thought" or anything pansy like morals.  I just grab my Magic 8 Ball and give it a shake.  Yesterday I asked it if I should coat my head in wax.  It said "The Prospects are Likely."  You can't get any more precise than that, baby.


QUESTION:     skippy, will i pass my music theory class?  (sally)

ANSWER:   That depends.  What IS your musical theory?  My theory is that all music is produced by monkeys.  Not just any old monkey, either.  Talented monkeys.  With or without tambourines.


QUESTION:     why is my spanish teacher so unbelievably and disgustingly nasty?  (Pimp'n)

ANSWER:   That's an easy one!   She's actually a very large shoe-owning wombat.  I suggest you buy a very large net and a baseball bat. 


QUESTION:     I told two girls I work with about my plan to take over the Earth, and I don't think they believed me! In fact they laughed! How can I save them when the invasion of Whale Men come? If not, how can I dispose of their bodies? Without the inconvenient smell? Can I keep the hands? From, Dice. and Jenn. and me.  (Erik Lindberg)

ANSWER:   First off, you're going to need to build a large array of spike traps over Earth's surface.  Then you can set to work making hats out of aluminum foil to pass out to friends and neighbors as protection from the "evil space whale rays."  Next, you'll need to purchase a large garbage can.  Turn it on its side and put your friend Dice in it.  Then take it up to the top of a large hill.  Now you can "roll your Dice."


QUESTION:     So weeks afterwards everything tasted like mustard, and that's when I decided to start wearing pants. When will it go down? Especially in Math class?  (Erik Lindberg)

ANSWER:   Above all else, don't let it get you down.  These things take time to heal.  Until you're back to 100 percent, I recommend not filling that gaping hole in your throat with mustard.  It doesn't exactly speed the healing process.  Try cramming the wound with jello instead.  Everone likes Jello.  Especially the ladies.


QUESTION:     When you lose your train of thought, where does it go? Does the bar shut down? Do the people lose their luggage? What does the conductor say? Do the lights go out? Or do the people just go into suspended animation (as the Pelagians say)? Is it even a passenger train? Are there trailer parks beside the tracks? Are there hobos? Can I join them? (I think riding the rails sounds cool.)  (Erik Lindberg)

ANSWER:   Every time I lose my train of thought, I always end up getting a letter from the Cleveland, Ohio, Department of Motor Vehicles.  "Your train has been impounded for idling on the highway again, Mr. Skippy" it says.  But whatever you do, get your butt down to Cleveland ASAP.   You only have a week to claim it, or they well it to Jehovah's Witnesses to play with.  That's one experience you just don't need to have, man.


QUESTION:     Is there a name for my mental illness?  (Erik Lindberg)

ANSWER:   Yes, it's called "Eating Too Much Spoiled Meat."  You may want to check our brain for mites and chiggers sometime soon.


QUESTION:     How fast can I type?  (Erik Lindberg)

ANSWER:   It doesn;t matter, I always let the questions back waaaaay up before I feel guilty and answer them all at once.


QUESTION:     Should I ask any more questions?  (Erik Lindberg)

ANSWER:  Nah.  Take a break for a bit.  Eat a sandwich, chew an apple, drink some Drano.  Relax a little.


QUESTION:     what is the meaning of life?  what is my name?   (Ted173)

ANSWER:   The meaning of life has been covered already.  Check the archives!  Your name is Ted.  So much for originality, eh Ted?


QUESTION:     does a monky have any testicles?  (LiMpKoRn2x)

ANSWER:   That depends.  I think it's smart that you gave him a test-tickle though.  It's always good to gauge their response before really getting some serious tickling started.  Some monkeys will knock the crap out of you if they don;t like it.


QUESTION:     How much time do you devote to this page? Are you nuts?  (Cara)

ANSWER:   That depends on what I am working on.  Major sections can take 20-30 hours to complete sometimes.   Luckily, I am very lazy so I tend to do things all at once rather then space them out like all those "Time Management" books recommend.  Actually, the only way I manage my time is to skip reading Time Management books.


QUESTION:     Dearest Skippy, I have a question. Why is it so FREAKING cold in Michigan. The weather is sooo unpredictable. I hate it here. Will you send me to Ecuador so that I can warm??   (LOLA)

ANSWER:   Only if I can come too.   I love Ecuador.  It has all those tropical man-eating plants and those tiny bugs that burrow into your knees while you sleep.  And then there are the beaches....


QUESTION:     skippy? are you there man? hello? skippy? what ever happen to us? was there ever an us? <<sob sob>>  skipppppyyyyy??(tracey)

ANSWER:   Well, sometimes I imagine that I will collect all of these questions and answers into book form, then sell the books for several thousand dollars.  Then again, I sometimes also imagine I am a pony with no feet.


QUESTION:     Am I goint to go out with Jeremi the blond guy?  (LXM9356)

ANSWER:   Ouch.  The last time I went "goint-ing," I had a rash for like a week.  I would recommend using less powder next time.


QUESTION:     If train A leaves Salt Lick City heading east at 40 mph at 12:00, and train B leaves Chicago heading west at 60 mph at 2:00, how long before the crazed Amish Underworld decides they have gone too long without electric power and rebels by stealing the hubcaps on both trains?  (Mike)

ANSWER:   Ha!  Your trick question won't work Mr. Mike!  Trains don't HAVE hubcaps!  But if they did, I bet they would be painted neon and have Nascar stickers on them.  Or maybe a bootleg cutout of Calvin and Hobbes dancing.


QUESTION:     Skippy ... what's your secret to having so much spare time?  (-Lilly ;o))

ANSWER:   Simple.  I follow rule #11 on the "Procrastinator's Creed" poster in my room:   "I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task" 


QUESTION:     Skippy, It's me again, am I hooked on the Internet? How can I tell?  (- Lilly ;o})

ANSWER:   Okay, check your lip.   Is there a twisted, C-shaped metal object there?  Is it attached to a trail of fiber optic cable that runs off into the distance to infinity?  If so, you've been hooked by the Internet. 


QUESTION:     what color is your hat ?  yes or no?  if I were to put a plastic bag on my back and jump from a 35 ft deck would the bag work like a parachute  (Jodi Whetung)

ANSWER:   Blue, with tiny, tiny white dots.  It depends on the weather.  Yes, but only for a second. 


QUESTION:     does the water in my shower really come from the toilet  (Jodi Whetung)

ANSWER:   Well, if you live in a small hut in the middle of no where and you dump the contents of your toilet into the river, THEN run down really fast to the waterfall part and bathe, then are showering in toilet water.


QUESTION:     if person A told person B something important, and asked person B not tell a person C or D, but person A hears from person Q that person B told person C, but person A thinks person B told person D but person D says something related to what person A told person B, NOW WHAT TO Do? kill person B? (fReAk oN a leAsH)  (Crabby14)

ANSWER:   This is just like algebra.   First, multiply half of the hypotenuse of person B by 5.  Then add the weights of persons A and C.  Put both of your answers in a matrix.  Now concatenate with Q.  There you go!  Wonderful Apple pie!


QUESTION:     Do you think you would get more traffic from search engines if you put the word hermaphrodite in this section, along with many variations of the spelling, such as hermaphrodyte, hermaphrodyt, hermafrodite, hermafrodyte, hemophelia, and hichirocodidorium?   (Tetebooger)

ANSWER:   Probably.  Maybe the words "kinky butter-related fun" would help too.  That's not necessarily my audience though.  My audience is more about "Tie-died hats," "Pickle Sculpting Tools and Accessories," and "I just ate waaaaaaaaay too many postit notes."


QUESTION:     Is it too much to ask of John to move the sound clips so everybody could access them, I mean, I asked him nicely one time, I even gave him a really cool URL (, but does he listen? NOOOOoooo, he just sits at his little computer and laughs, he laughs at all of us who don't have permission to access /~jerobi/jg-audio.wav on this server.   he laughs while he teases us with his upcoming mini-site of t.r.o.n, I mean, some of us send him ducks, we inflate his ego to unbelievable bounds by supplying his web page with a superfluous amount of hits, and all I ask in return is just to be able to hear the audio, is that too much to ask? huh? HUH? IS IT?  (Tetebooger)

ANSWER:   Yeah, if someone has a few megs of server space to spare, please let John know via the email listed on the main page.   All of those dang free sites don;t let you make files larger than 1 meg, and they hate mp3's even when they are homemade by yours truly.


QUESTION:     :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)   why do i make jello  :):):):):):):):):)::)):):):):):):):):)):):):):):):):):):)   why do i talk to my theripist  (banna annab)

ANSWER:   That's the lamest, saddest, WEAKEST totem pole I have ever seen in my life.  The Indians would be appalled...then they would go kill a buffalo or something with their "magical arrows."


QUESTION:     dear skippy, How come you never answered my question? I really need to know whether i can dye my prom date to match my dress! Can I? (twinkie)

ANSWER:     Did you buy enough Kool Aid mix again?  I want to hear you say "Oh yeahhhh" like Kool Aid man himself, or I'm not going to help.


QUESTION:     skippy,i have a real personal problem,can you hlp me and be serious?  (Willis Shafer)

ANSWER:   Only on rare occasions, and this isn't one of them.  Oh yeah, I forgot to add what was it again....hmmm....wait a minute....oh yeah:  YOU FREAK!  HAHAHHAA! :)


QUESTION:     when i go to Kent State tomorrow what will happen if i yell.....WE WON'T GO TO WAR!!! ? (tracey)

ANSWER:   They'll probably do one of the really ironic things like tie you up and send you to war.  Those crazy Kent Staters and their wacky irony...


QUESTION:     Your page has to be the most hilarious thing I've come acrss in awhile. I have a couple of questions for you.
1. Wuld you ever eat peanut butter on lettuce with sesame seeds?  2. If someone craved the above food all the time, would you think they were prgenant?  (HobagSpice)

ANSWER:   Here, you dropped these two "o"'s.  Also, your "e" is out of place and you have a "u" pretending to be an "a."  Sounds like someone needs a Vowel Coach!


QUESTION:     Do you have a good recipe for Chai Latte? (Katherine)

ANSWER:   What do I look like, a French Translator?  Just drink coffee, frenchie!


QUESTION:     Should I call back Dev and tell him how much I like him?  (LIHONEY33)

ANSWER:   You could, but it wouldn;t work.  I'm saddened to tell you this, but I must.  Dev was just found in a dumpster behind Denny's with his eyes chewed out by sea weasels.


QUESTION:     How can I make my cockatiel stop laying so many eggs?????  (Phyllis Schulte)

ANSWER:   Feed it more bran.   She'll be laying a different substance in no time!


QUESTION:     why am i losing my hair?  (rita)

ANSWER:   Will you please just get a suntan like normal people?  No more sticking your head in the microwave!  Maybe now you've finally learned your lesson....


QUESTION:     What happened in Macedonia?  (K.C. Scull)

ANSWER:   There was this big party for awhile, then everyone started breaking stuff and leaving.  It was a huge mess....the janitorial staff was NOT happy.


QUESTION:     Capt Morris Says, "Don't wait up on the shrimp boat mama, cause Daddy's coming home with the crabs!"  (jerry alvin morris)

ANSWER:   Does Captian Morris have a thing about writing a statement and not asking a question, or was that just your idea of a joke?  Pa.  Thetic.


QUESTION:     what is FLASH?  (Margaret Ochs)

ANSWER:   It's like that one cartoon in Japan called Pokemon that caused all those kids to have epileptic seizures.  Just like that.


QUESTION:     How long does it take for Duck eggs to hatch?  (Waymon Pennington)

ANSWER:   I'm afraid that those AREN'T duck eggs you are sitting on, Waymon!  Somebody get some stain remover and a broom...


QUESTION:     Question: Why do cars come in packs of 8? And drivers come in packs of 10? Help, you half to buy 5 packs of cars and 4 packs of drivers to get a even number of cars and drivers. (Dre.......n)

ANSWER:    Let this be a lesson to us all, children.  Don't drink and ride the information superhighway, or you could end up like Dre here.


QUESTION:     A question from The Zookeeper:  Would you like to touch my monkey  (Greg Pretty)

ANSWER:   No, I have my own here at home.  It's much bigger and could beat up your monkey, too.


QUESTION:     Why was Captian Kirk always sportin wood? Was is Mr. Spok or, just a problem with his Captains Log? (Thanks, Tommy)

ANSWER:   A wood sport?  You mean like that World's Greatest Lumberjack competition that is on TV at like 3am?  I usually watch just to see if someone gets an axe in their foot...that's gotta hurt.

Amused?  Ask a question!

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