Ask Skippy

Ask Skippy

Questions and Answers

Archive Two

(56 Q and A's)

Here are the questions in between the current ones and the old ones...Enjoy!


QUESTION:    do bees hibernate in the winter (David Avram)   

ANSWER:  Of course!  Where?  With the bears!  It's like an episode of Full House!  I get to be Uncle Jesse this time!  Where is my lucky wig?  Let the hilarity begin!


QUESTION:   Hi! I have a problem. At school, these guys never leave me alone. All they do is make fun of me because I'm smarter than them and they don't like it. They don't like me because of the way that they tease me. But this other guy likes me, but he teases me too. But you know when their lying. You know what I mean? (Patricia Sowa)

ANSWER:  Eat more paint.  Paint good.   Paint make Hulk strong and good.  Good paint.  Good Hulk.


QUESTION:    Viaduct? Via no chicken? (P. Chris Uhl)

ANSWER:   Via gotta make-a funna my speecha?


QUESTION:    What is HotDog Professional 5.1's Identifier and Registration Key (John Segon-Fisher)

ANSWER:   One third ketchup, one third mustard, one third relish.  Serve hot.


QUESTION:   How many time its weight can an ant carry? (Ron and Lee Ager)   

ANSWER:   Only a few hundred times, which doesn't make them good movers, let me tell ya!  "Your Insect Moving Company is a wonderful idea," they said...but NOOOOO....


QUESTION:    Why instead of the apostrophe, you use a semi-colon? (J.R. Lyon)   

ANSWER:    My pinky finger shrunk.  Please don't stare.


QUESTION:    Do fire ants eat ticks? (Mercades)    

ANSWER:   Yes, but they always leave the Tacs on the ground.  Dang littering ants. 


QUESTION:   why haven't i seen a new question on here since the hindenberg blew up? (Michael Butler)

ANSWER:   You were there too?   Man, that was so tragic when all the ropes snapped and it came crashing down.   But hey, I rope.


QUESTION:    Real Question: Boxers or Briefs? (I am sure that most of the women who have seen your pic on these pages is thinking the same thing!!!) (Heather)

ANSWER:   Boxers of course!  I haven't worn briefs since 5th grade (ask my mother).


QUESTION:    What kind of advice would you give on being yourself (valencias)

ANSWER:  Just do like Skippy does and march to the beat of a different drummer.  But not my drummer.  Get your own.  It took me FOREVER to find one that doesn't play at weddings on the weekends...


QUESTION:    Hello! I have a few questions: a) How do they make "Cheesestrings"? b) If you are calling someone on the phone, when I hear the Ringing sound, is it at the same time as they hear it? c) Why can my eyes change colours with my moods? Thank you! (spunkster)

ANSWER:  a) The same way they make that edible Velcro on my hats.   b) Really?  I always thought the phone was screaming!  Boy, is THAT a relief.  Whew!  c) Did you overdose on magnesium again?  How many times to the doctors have to perform the operation before you'll learn?


QUESTION:   Here's a few for you, I'm very inquisitive today....1. Why is it that everyone else thinks salad is considered good food? 2. Why don't they allow eating in class at school? 3. Why can't I get my locker to stay clean no matter what I do?
4. Why is it that the Braves go to the playoffs every year but get too overconfident and LOSE?

ANSWER: 1) They were raised by goats.  2) Teachers are too expensive to snack on.  3) More wd40, less butter next time.   4) It probably has to do with their name.  The "BRAVES."  They just get too cocky.  A local team, "The Underachieving Skill-less Whining Adults" on the other hand, is currently 34-0 on the season.  Makes ya think, huh?


QUESTION:   Who is Skippy and just what makes him/her/it so knowledgeable ? (Erwin, Eric)

ANSWER: I can't say exactly, but here's a hint:  I eat a lot of toast.


QUESTION:   What do you think of the new, bluish High Intensity Discharge (HID) headlights on cars? And, do you think there's a Lincoln, Mercedes, or the like, with them, in your near future? (John Bacon)

ANSWER:  My friend Bill and I were just discussing that the other day (before his tragic death after we were mesmerized by some colored headlights while crossing an intersection and were overcome to party-like-it's-1999 while the bus loomed ever closer, eventually crushing Bill) and we both thought they were great.


QUESTION:    why do flamingos stick their heads in the water or mud? (Trisha L. Jones)

ANSWER:  To save money on car insurance.


QUESTION:   O.K. Michael Jackson sings "it don't matter if you're black or white" but where does he/she/it fit in? (Michael Butler)

ANSWER:  A rather twisted part of me wanted to answer "little boys" (think about it), but that would be in poor taste.   So I'll go with something lame like "Pluto."


QUESTION:   what would happen if a group of imperial stormtroopers (who can't hit the broad side of a planet) got into a firefight with a group of the infamous StarTrek redshirts (who get killed exactly 5 seconds after showing up)??? (Michael Butler)

ANSWER: Don't worry, we'll just give them all those G.I. Joe laser guns that go <spoint!  spoint!> and never seem to hit anything important, let alone injure someone if hit.  Or we could just drop a giant ball of cheese on them all.


QUESTION:    Nikola Tesla "invented an earthquake generator" capable of up to 6.8 on the richtor scale. this device was apparently the size of a shoebox! my first question is, did this actually happen? my second question is, where can i find blueprints? (Michael Butler)

ANSWER:  This is indeed true.  Sadly though, Tesla kept the blueprints in a shoebox under his bed.  One morning he grabbed the wrong box and a fissure opened up, swallowing the entire block.


QUESTION:    Do you love me? I need a friend. (Alison)

ANSWER:   Skippy loves you.  Send me a duck.  Or a pony.  Or a stainless steel cheese grater.  Make sure it's STAINLESS please.


QUESTION:    I an curious about these numbers that keep cropping up in my other life as a post-doc. Are transinfinites related to Platonic ideals? Were cherry pies invented because of the Platonic preexistance of PI? Please tell me, master of Niftyness!

ANSWER: I will tell you, for I am as wise as the ocean is salty.  But first, you must perform the test of the perplexed dragon stones.


QUESTION:   Why doesn't my email open up? (Bill Ingram)    

ANSWER:  Don't worry Bill, it happens.  You're still a man.   It's okay, really.  We can just cuddle.


QUESTION:    What is it that allows an obviously hard working individual like yourself have enough time to devote to making this extraordinary web page. Also, don't you think the fact that your blatant use of the 'rubber duck' will increase its popularity to near Beanie Baby levels, artificially raising the price and therefore driving the rubber duck dependent economy of the former Soviet bloc eastern Europe nations into even further turmoil? (Matt Sincock)

ANSWER: (I feel that this is best answered via lyrics from a popular 90's rap song by Skeelo, entitled "I Wish.")  I wish I had a brand new car.  So far, I got this hatch back and everywhere I go, yo, I get laughed at.  But when I'm in my car I'm laid back.  I got an eight track and a spare tire in the back seat but that's flat.  And do you want to know what's really whack?  Yo I can't even get a date so what you think of that?  I heard that prom night was the bomb night with the hood rats looking so tight, but really yo, Figaro, when in my car I can't even get a hello.


QUESTION:   Flowing flibby flubby flow/Touch them off and then they go/ why do eyes begin to smell/Now write something that begins with 'l'/tony Danza licked my desk/Jewel's got some nice-ass breasts/Tell me why the sun is blue/ You are me and I am you/there is no escape/ the kangaroos are loose, get the prod for the love of God/I eat my own phlegm, it goes at 24 bucks a pint, order now supplies are limited/ please gnaw off my feet/ are you my mommy? (Kyle Robert Kusch)

ANSWER: Yo Quiero Taco Bell.  Post Haste.


QUESTION:   Will you please tell me why Paco left the farm? (Nicholle)

ANSWER: Ever since the Nipple Scorpions returned to the quiet town of North Haverbrook, Paco just hasn't been the same...


QUESTION:   why can't guys ever make up their minds??? (Mike Dettori)

ANSWER: Well, basically it's because we...well, wait that's not it.   It's due to the fact that we....hmm.  I was walking down the street yesterday wait, that wasn't me....


QUESTION:    Do you belive in "Dead Heads"? (mary)

ANSWER:   That reminds me of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia flavor ice cream.  Did you know that they sell the leftover ice cream sludge to local pig farmers as slop?  It's true (honest).  And the only flavor pigs won't eat?  Mint Cookies.  That's why I always add a little extra scoop on my bacon first.


QUESTION:    D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.? (mark)    

ANSWER:    Did I Lightly Lather In Germany After Frolicking?  Certainly not!  I always rinse and repeat!


QUESTION:    is the winter in Iowa going to be severely cold with more snow than usual this year? (Gary L. Hansen)

ANSWER:   I consulted my Farmer's Almanac, and it said that you indeed will get more snow this year.  It also forecasts large talking beetles and a higher frequency of people yelling "Jumbaliah!"


QUESTION:     i really like this guy, and i think that he likes me. i mean we do stuff together like as if we were going out. i really want to go out with him, but he is my ex- boyfriend and i don't think that he will ask me because he might think that i am still obsessive. (that is the whole reason we broke up). i still love him though, but i am NOT obsessed!!! what should i do? (Bgflrt3178)

ANSWER:   Just be nice.  Talk kindly to him.  Buy him little gifts.  Then, once you regain his confidence, sneak up under cover of darkness and drag him off into your secret underground cave in the woods.  He'll change his ways!


QUESTION:    what is blue velvet? what is black velvet? (sherry l. mumford)

ANSWER:   A lounge singer's best (and usually only) friend.


QUESTION:    Skipper,...I read somewhere that to deter my goldfish from having sex by I should throw a small bucket of air over them if I catch them in the act. Is this true? (Jimbob)

ANSWER:   Where can I buy a bucket of air?  I looked all over the mall last time I was there, and then those young punks with their big baggy jeans and big baggy haircuts hit me with they big baggy wallet chains until I got a big baggy bruise on my big baggy ass.  Hooligans!


QUESTION:    What is going to happen if I go to CT on Friday? (STP98alum)

ANSWER:    You're going to the Cantaloupe Tasting too?  If you wear that red sweater we both have, we'll be twins!   Tee hee!


QUESTION:   why me? (Michael A Leonard)

ANSWER:    Sorry, the entire cast of Cats was busy (again...)


QUESTION:    Why are we, here??? What is the meaning of life????? (ALJAFM10)

ANSWER:    Click here to find out


QUESTION:    So skippy what is the meaning of.........Sarah Lee Cheese cake, It's not really a cake it's a custard, why do they call it cake? (Cakeless in the Army)



QUESTION:    What is your major in college? Occupational interests? (Kathy Myers)

ANSWER:    <I'll field this one, Skippy -- John>  Well Kathy, I am majoring in Computer Science (huge surprise).  I am currently interning with the wonderful Hershey Chocolate company's Networking Department.  Chocolate is good.  I probably ate several pounds of it my first day, but I have an insanely high metabolism.


QUESTION:    Why does my friend Samantha exclude me all of the time? (Confused in Ak)

ANSWER:     I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but this isn't;t Earth.  Our neighborhood has been extracted in its entirety and transported back to Gamma-Epsilon-8 for further study.  Samantha was at the supermarket when the pods came.  Now, back to the hyflon mines with us, lest we be captured and punished again.


QUESTION:    What about Bob? (Gepaway)

ANSWER:  Bob had an accident with the threshing machine, Timmy.  It's not polite to stare.  Yes, I know they don't look like feet anymore, but they are.


QUESTION:    When making your nifty map, why did you indicate that Queensland was at that particular location? The location you chose was the middle of the Nullabor Plain - nasty bad desert - eeew. Why don't you buy an atlas? Why don't squirrels have wheels? Why won't my boss give me a raise? Should I go to bed now or should I just have another beer? I'll just
have a beer while I wait for your answer... (Fletcher Blüdbath)

ANSWER: How dare you refer to the Nullabor as "plain?"   They are the world leaders in the manufacture and export of multicolored pencil erasers!  They are world renowned for their beauty!  2)As far as an atlas, I had one once.  Actually I had a map that was full size.  It said "one mile = one mile."  One summer I folded it.  3)If they had wheels, they couldn't bounce!  4)Why doesn't YOUR boss give ME a raise?  Then maybe you could send me a duck.  5)Better yet, do a bunch of sit-ups and eat handfuls of peanut butter (but not at once...)


QUESTION: Super karate business monkey. Monkey death car karate donkey wrestler. Donkey wrestler! Super macho donkey wrestler?!!  Super karate business monkey wrestler?  (Joe)

ANSWER: Business monkey donkey wrestler!   Death monkey super car.  DQ SUPER FLURRY!  Monkey karate death car super DQ SUPER FLURRY!


QUESTION: what should I wear tomorrow and the next day for three months? (ken gallagher)

ANSWER: For Sunday, wear your best dress.  Monday calls for a light sweater and a pair of black stretch pants.  The rest of the year?  Nothing but butter!  Sweet, rich, creamery butter!


QUESTION: why? (Amir dekel)

ANSWER: Gary Coleman did it.


QUESTION: How can I kill my boyfriend's ex wife without getting caught? (Ruth)

ANSWER: Drop him in the fountain at the mall.  Wrap him in foil first, so he looks like a HUGE quarter.  If people stare, tell them you're making a wish.  It's foolproof.


QUESTION: Who are you, and what devilishly funny planetary system do you call home? Moreover, where can I meet a boy of such high caliber humor? Any suggestions? (jennifer woodward)

ANSWER: Thank you.  I must admit however, that we Model 9's are all alike in personality.  An upgrade of the elbows has been worked into the production Model 10's.  Try the food court at the mall, we tend to congregate there before getting orders.


QUESTION: why am i so tired? (none)

ANSWER: Colored chalk.  It's the tool of the devil, I tell you!   Why didn't you listen to me, Skinner!?


QUESTION: My hovercraft is full of eels... (Browne)

ANSWER: M&M's don't melt in my pants.


QUESTION: Where's the wind when it doesn't blow? (Dominik Pfleghaar)

ANSWER: In my pants.  With the M&M's.



    ANSWER: Yo, me and Spaq was ballin' down on 5th the other day, and yo check this out man, yo, so T-DOG, man, he roll up in that skanky tricked-out Jetta and he be like, whatup chumps, so I be like, throw down holmes, and he like, Aight then, and my boy Spaq be like, yo don't bring that funk up in here this is my house MY house, so yo man, T-Dog be like, what, and I be like, what what, and he be like, ok, I just be playin' wit ya.  Then I dunked on em and I be like, all day long, brothas!  ALL DAY LONG! 


QUESTION: Did Clinton lie? Did he obstruct justice? Did he ask others to lie? Should he be impeached? (Kathy Myers)

ANSWER: Yes.  Maybe.  On Tuesdays.  I don't like fruit products.


QUESTION: why are blond jokes so short? (Kathy Adan)

ANSWER: Because last time I told a joke it took a day and a half and everyone was really hungry...


QUESTION: Ok I'm feeling really stressed, Ya see right now I'm 15 and I'm planning to open my own Plaster Painting Business when I turn 16 so I have from now til the day I turn 16 to plan everything! And I'm real excited about this but there's a catch I've planned for about 3 years that when I turn 18 I'm moving to Hollywood, California and I don't know if I should spend all this money on this store and open it then close it when i get ready to go cross country or should I forget about my road trip I really don't know what to do!!!! Please help me!!! (Michelle)

ANSWER:  Bet it all on red.  C'mon boxcars!


QUESTION: how do i find the right guy for me? (Mindy Roberts)

ANSWER: Sears Catalog, page 46.  And while you're there, spend a buck and send me a duck please!


QUESTION: why do i get bored so often these days? (Bala)

ANSWER: Because I have been slacking again.   Sorry. 


QUESTION: why does paint thinner smell so darn good when it's so darn bad for you? (Malia)

ANSWER: Skippy doesn't believe paint thinner is bad for you.  The purple dragons don't think so either.  Can't you see them?   They're EVERYWHERE!


QUESTION: What will become of all the yellow rubber ducks? (Kathy Myers)

ANSWER: I'm not sure.  No one has sent any yet!  Click here for details.  They're cheap, I tell ya!


QUESTION: Why the hell don't record labels know ANYTHING about their artists? I've talked to label officials several times, but they are all totally unaware of anything their artists do. I mean, they're the ones in charge! How can they be so clueless? For example, I asked one guy about a foreign (outside the U.S.) Shania Twain release. He went on to explain that he didn't know diddly-squat about it (I now own the CD—I KNOW it exists). Similar results with countless other label officials.

ANSWER: The dingos.  The dingos ate my record label.


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