Ask Skippy

Ask Skippy

Questions and Answers

Archive Five

(69 Q and A's)

There isn't enough light in this room!  You'll hurt your eyes.  Is this better, sweetie?


QUESTION:     Ok you got me, how do I duplicate a cracked paint effect when antiquing furniture? One item suggested was a really thick coat, dried very quickly with a heat lamp or heat gun, and then protected with a gloss or flat clear enamel. Will this work?  (James Valentine)

ANSWER:   I would suggest an easier method.  First, go to your local hardward store and buy a lot of caulk (and a few hundred gallons of paint).  Next, seal up any cracks in your doors and windows.   It is key that we not have any leaks.  Duct tape any loose seals.  Next get a ladder.  Begin pouring paint cans down your chimney until the house is full.   Allow to dry.  Walah!  Instant antique everything!


QUESTION:     If too much of anything is bad for you (or anyone else for that matter), will too much fresh air kill a person? (Peculiar)

ANSWER:   Yes.  But so will a pit with hungry, ravenous mice.


QUESTION:     If you had a dead walrus (not to say that you don't already... it's hardly my place to make such an assumption), what are the second 3 things you would do with it?

ANSWER:   I imagine dropping it from a helicopter into Times Square would be amusing.  If only I could get Dick Clark's EXACT location...


QUESTION:     Hey Skippy I came across your page by typing homemade+drugs. I'm trying to find a way to make date rape drugs. I recently read about in an article in Cosmo. I'm doing a speech for & would like to tell about the avialibilty. If you could find it I would love it. My e-mail address is

ANSWER: Anything for you, Libby!  But remember, as with all homemade drugs, ALWAYS TEST IT OUT ON YOURSELF FIRST!  First, get a beaker.  Fill it up about halfway with bleach.  Next, add two cups of sugar.  Add 6 hardboiled eggs.  Stir.  Stir again.  No sprinkle this mixture in the street and wait for a car to hit you.


QUESTION:     skippy why evrytime i walk by a fire hydrent i have to piss on it (dog) (Jdeez311)

ANSWER:  You're from France, maybe?


QUESTION:     Why, Why, for the love of god WHY, would a person have to pay for ANY type of 101 class....they all have the consistency of Cheez Whiz and most of them -at least mine- you cant test out of. What should I do? (Master Set)

ANSWER: Actually, intro courses are the best.   I'll never forget the stunning diorama of the Signing of the Declaration of Independence that I carved in Chainsaw 101.


questions. so i will answer my own. watch: how do you ward off faries? answer: ancient chruchyard mold. so there mr. bigshot

ANSWER: Sentences with correct capitalization: None.  Thanks for playing the game, Tracey!


QUESTION:     why doesn't anyone want to submit quotes for the yearbook? why skippy, why? (elaine)

ANSWER: I'm guessing because you enjoy the taste of human flesh, you DEATH ZOMBIE! 


QUESTION:    what should i wear tomorrow? (SHERPV2)

ANSWER: A garden hose and 300 yards of yellow wrapping paper.


QUESTION:    Do you stuff your face in the freezer and make fun of the fish? Rabadabarararataatoo?!? My crack is in my sack? (Louis Deis)

ANSWER: Drink less coffee, smoke less crack.


QUESTION:    Hey Skippy, What do they do with amputated body parts? I mean, they can't just throw them away, can they? (Cara)

ANSWER: Nah.  They sell the wholesale to the major hotdog companys. It counts as "BEEF," and it's cheaper than horses!


QUESTION:    how come our school never seems to have rubber cement when we need it for yearbook, but when we don't, its everywhere, where does it go? (Elaine8261)

ANSWER: I have the same problem.  I can never find any Liquid Fire or Solid Oxygen when I need it!  And let me tell ya...whatever you do, don;t store those two in the same tool shed!


QUESTION:    Why is it, O Lord of all that is Nifty, that when I attempt to shoot down alien spacecraft using the hyperflux twin quantum cannon pod which I have constructed in my backyard, I always end up hitting large airliners and causing much pain and carnage? I think the FAA is on to me; I had to shoot down ten of their helicopters which were hovering over my house last week. It took almost a full day to clean the mess off the roof. But I digress. It is most annoying when those darn planes fly right in front of the crosshairs just as I am about to vaporize some bug-eyed, three-testicled creature from Theta
Reticuli. I'm sure many of your questioners have been having the same problem but are afraid to ask it, so here I am, risking personal humiliation for hundreds of backyard artillerists who bravely keep our skies free of alien menaces. Oh, and one other thing: what have you done with my badgers? (ar342)

ANSWER: I retrained them to sneak into houses at night and steal car keys.  I pasted on tiny paper wings so they can fly, too. 


QUESTION:    lets see here, i wanted to ask you a question.....oh derek really batman, or just a crossdresser in tights?? (tracey)

ANSWER: No, that bulletproof chestplate is for style.  Of course he's batman!  Could you remind him that I need to borrow the BatZamboni tonight?  I'm having a huge party and we're almost out of ice.


QUESTION:     At school today, I was in my Economics class, and I was listening to all the stupid people talk about how they had never even heard of Y2K and they didn't get it and at the same time, there is this girl saying over and over and over again, "I'm a ghetto hoochie!" Then, my freind Angel says to me, do you know how many people make fun of this school? And I'm like yeah, it's sucks! Then, I say to myself, I had an opportunity to go to a good school, that looks good on a resume, has more than five electives, and some actually intelligent people. My boyfreind goes there, and my sister goes there so we could
carpool. Then when she graduates, I will turn sixteen soon after I start my junior year. That would give me a good excuse to really NEED a car so my mom doesn't have to drive me every day. But I really don't want to leave my freinds. I can still talk to them and see them all the time. I've never had to go to a different school, and I'm very comfortable where I am, I don't know what to do. I think that the pros out weigh the cons here. What is your opinion on the matter? Thanks (Lupe)

ANSWER:   Well, according to my general knowledge of science, "matter" is any collection of material.   There are five main phases: Liquid, Solid, Gas, Plasma, and Pauly Shore (the last one being highly toxic and capable of rendering you blind).  Please take care when working with Pauly Shore matter, and always dispose of it in a high-temperature oven.   We don't want that kind of thing to spread and multiply.


QUESTION:     Why doesn't greg the bunny where clothes? And was it your mother's or father's idea to name you Skippy?   (John D. Hatjopoulos)

ANSWER:   I believe it's due to his skin condition.  His flesh secretes a caustic solution which melts and destroys basic fabrics.  Oh, and far as my name goes, you can blame my surrogate weasel family.  


QUESTION:     how do i figure cubic yards for concrete?  (Toby Plaisance)

ANSWER:   Take a common household yardstick and have a friend measure you.  Next, lie in a wooden, rectangle-shaped "testing box" that you have previously prepared using materials found at any local hardware store.  Have the same friend slowly cover you with concrete.   When it starts to flow into your mouth and eyes, stop.  This is a cubic yard of concrete.


QUESTION:     what do you look like for, some reason i think you look like a weird duck thing. (ross)

ANSWER:   But aren't we all, in some way, a "weird duck thing" on the inside?  I mean look at my cousin Ned, for instance.  His lack of regular showering has lead to an oily sheen that covers him head to toe.  And when it rains, we refer to it as "water off a Ned's back."


QUESTION:     where in the world is carmen sandiego? (tay)

ANSWER:   according to the beacon I implanted, she's under New Jersey.


QUESTION:     If i were a fish.... what fish would I be???  (Adia)

ANSWER:   A monkey fish.  They just swim around all day, searching for bananas that they shall never have.  It's tragic.


QUESTION:     Skippy?? Hello there my boy!! Good to be writing you antwho~ my question is: If you always advise people to do what you do 'Party like it's 1999', what the hell are you (and they) to do after that?? I mean you cant pary like that forever can you?? Thank you very much, your loyal subject, (Adia)

ANSWER:   Despite the fact that I can't figure out what an "antwho" is, I would suggest that the next step is this:  After partying like it's 1999, most people will then party like it's Still 1999, then they will Party Like The Had Too Much Alcohol And Will Now Be In A Coma For A Week.


QUESTION:     Ok, well I noticed that you are pretty fond of rubber ducks.... I too love the little, yellow dears. I go out of my way to obtain ducks, even steal them from people if I find one that I must have.... I have one in my car mounted to the dashboard... this leads me to my question... are you and I ment for each other? Have we met in a past lifetime ( maybe as workers at a rubber duck manufacturing plant) only to unite through this wonderful page??   (Adia)

ANSWER:   I hate to break your heart, but ducks aren't actually anything like deer.  They can't even use their feet to walk.  And they don't have teeth.


QUESTION:     What DOES happen when you mix paint thinner and bleach?? (Lola46)

ANSWER:   What do I look like, MacGuyver?


QUESTION:     Why does my Christmas tree look soo horrible after a few days of not watering it?? (Lola)

ANSWER:   Probably because it hasn't had any blood in awhile.  Put some dead rodents near the base of the tree and it should liven right up again.  Just make sure you move your hands away fast.


QUESTION:     What happens to all my underware?? And what about those darn socks?? (Lola)

ANSWER:   Sorry, we had to take it all up to Vermont for testing.  It'll be ready again around Labor Day.


QUESTION:     Skippy, You have the breast useless page on the 'Net. Keep it up. Now, on to the questionerinos:
1) I was thinking about creating a page called "The Realm of Keeness" and completely copying your page called "The Realm of Niftyness." Except I would substitute "keen" for each use of "nifty." What I'm getting at is: why didn't the beta tape format ever make a comeback? Or, to be more precise, is there truth to the rumor that the Canadians really possessed by the Ghost of Sonic the Hedgehog and are really out to get we Americans?
2) Does staring at the scrambled signal of the Playboy channel or Skinimax cause brain decomposition or, in more extreme cases, hangnails?
3) What do you think of the Year 2000 Problem? Will it affect the expiration dates of food (save for Span and JELL-O which don't go bad), meaning that the year will be '00 and all current expiration dates will be greater than that (hence the foods will never go bad nor expire)?
Thanks. No, really. Thank you. Seriously. It means a lot to me. (il Diavolo)

ANSWER:   1) I know I have a good page, but not the "breast" page.  We're family oriented here at the Realm.   2) Speaking of hang nails, did you ever get a hang-lung?  Let me tell ya...ouch.  3) Well, seeing as Spam and Jello already have a higher chance of evolving into sentient being before they would expire, this question is irrelevant.


QUESTION:     I have a breaf question. Why are there so many?  (Starhuck)

ANSWER:   I dunt no.


QUESTION:     What do you think is really in a hamburger? If they say it comes from a cow, why do they call it a "Ham" burger? Are we safe from the horror of fast food meat? Do you think it will kill us someday? (shannon)

ANSWER:   Nah.  It's usually about 80% soy anyway, and I read that soy is good for your colon or something.  Just don't eat the Samburgers, if you know what I mean...


QUESTION:     Why is being online so addictive? Is it normal to check your mail all the time? After how many times checking mail should I stop?  (Shannon)

ANSWER:   I usually spent over half the day just checking mail.  I imagine it's rather silly of me to do.  then again, I also imagine dinosaurs with no legs slowing scooting around behind me.


QUESTION:     I want to eat wood again, but I had my appendix taken out a few years back.   What can I do?  (Liz)

ANSWER:   Those new backyard chipper-shredders not only do a great job at reducing yard waste like grass and branches, but they make a heck of a fiber-shake too!  I like to add honey.  Mmmm-MMPH, that's a fine-tastin' pine-smoothie!


QUESTION:     how do you crack peoples hotmail e-mail codes?  (Deborah Schultz)

ANSWER:   Yes, you can crack them, but I recommend letting them cool to a more manageable LukeWarmMail or AmbientRoomTemperatureMail.  Otherwise, wear some gloves.  Thick ones.   Those things can burn the HECK out of your fingers.


QUESTION:     How can I describe the colour red to a blind person? or orange for that matter? I've already helped him figure out green, but not red. and what rhymes with orange - there is a band by that name, are they stupid?? (john)

ANSWER:   The first one is easy.   Give your friend one of those multi-bladed pocket knives.  Pull out the small blade, the large blade, the saw, the scissors, the corkscrew, and the point-monkey attachments.  Then have them hold it in their hand and spin it really fast in a small, tight circle.  Now close your eyes and lower your face into that circle.   After a minute or too (I know it will hurt, but try not to yell, lest your friend stop the experiment too early.  No one wants to start all over again), let your blind friend rub your face.  THAT'S red.  As far as orange goes, I hear there is a paint sale at the hardware store.  Buy a few buckets and rollers.  Paint your friend.  Just don't let them join any bands...


QUESTION:     Why are the pancakes after me? Do they want my handy dandy Spam in a can?
NOOOOO!!! They can't have it! NOOOOO!!!  (Louis Deis)

ANSWER:   Just wagering a guess here, but they're after your large sack of crack, aren't they?


QUESTION:     tell everyone about yourself, and don't lie,,,,I've seen where you sleep.(Becky)

ANSWER:   That's nothing!  You should see me drive around town naked!  On a bike!


QUESTION:     Dearest Skippy,  I must apologize for my niece's frequent usage of your most informational website. I'm afraid that LOLA46, has much to much time on her hands. She would do much better in her accounting class if she would hit the books instead of the keyboard. She has a bit of a fetish when it comes to footwear. A girl like her can never have too many shoes.
Now, as not to waste your valuable time, I shall pose a question on behalf of my dear, misguided, albeit, favorite niece: In common bookkeeping practices, why are debits and credits arranged on the "T" ledgers, in the manner that they are? It's all so confusing.
Thank you Skippy for all your help. This may be the only way I hear from her (ABTW her name is not Lola - it's something terribly white bread). Would you please pass on to her that Kevin looks absolutely fabulous in orange camouflage? TTFN,  Aunt Net Net (AKA Quilter29)

ANSWER:   That's because the man who created our modern form of accounting was Timothy Tolker.  Hence the "T."   He is also responsible for several advancements in the fields of beekeeping, but his name for bees ("Tiny Floating Flower Death Machines") never caught on as well.


QUESTION:     why do typhoons happen ? you loser  (Linda Buye)

ANSWER:   I'm a loser?  Well FINE then...I'm not telling you why typhoons happen.  See?  You've gone and ruined it for everyone else, too!  Are you happy now?  We just can't have nice things...


QUESTION:     do you know to make drugs that are can be made at home that would resemble cocaine and give the person a nice high (

ANSWER:   Ha!  Believe it or not, loyal viewers, but nearly half of the viewers of the Skippy Links page (for some strange reason) find the page because of their search for "homemade drugs."   Honest!  But to answer acid-boy's question, I believe you want the following recipe: (try it first, okay?)  Bleach, Whipped Dessert Topping, Lint, More Bleach, Paint Thinner, and 85 gallons of baking soda.  Stir well.  Serves 120.


QUESTION:     Hello Skippy, Should I hang myself from the Christmas tree? PS: Do you know the kangaroo personally?  (simone_p)

ANSWER:   Hmm...I maybe be a little late here, but it doesn't sound like a good idea to me.  You'd be one heck of a heavy ornament.  Then the tree would tip over and start a fire, etc.  As for the kangaroos, I know -ALL- of them.  By scent.


QUESTION:     Who put the Bop in Bop shoo Bop?  (AD)

ANSWER:   Casey Casum.  He also put all these pistachios in my nostrils. Jerk


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, What should I do if my question mark key gets stuck??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????  (Chris St.Clair)

ANSWER:   You get a really weak answer like this one.


QUESTION:     Hey, Skippy. In the last update of "Ask Skippy", you said that if you swallowed a dime, your colon would "change". Well, I know someone, that 3 years ago, when we were in 6th grade, he "accidentally" swallowed a nickel. 2 weeks later, he pooped it out and brought it to school, and it was red, yellow, and green. Apparently, his colon wasn't changed, but he recently got held back a grade. Is this due to the different properties that nickel has and silver doesn't? The great enigma of the universe is at stake with this one....  (SommyJr)

ANSWER:   Well, they always say that Tin is brain-food!  Some of those Mensa people even inject it RIGHT into their head!


QUESTION:     skippy what subjects are you good at?  (donna l Amanno)

ANSWER:   Carpentry, TV/VCR Repair, Work Invisibility, and I have a PHD in Toothbrush Technology. You know that new toothbrush with the 6-inch "gum scrubbers?" My idea.


QUESTION:     why skippy.......?? (d)

ANSWER:   Well, I was thinking of going with say, a lower-case letter kind of name, but people told me that would be lame ;)


QUESTION:     Why is it that when I am in Accounting Class, I feel the need to Scream "To the Batcave James"? (CAnAngel15, Maria)

ANSWER:   Who the heck is James? Batman was Bruce Waine, right? Oh yes, now I remember. James was that cross-dressing crime-fighting midget. I’m still waiting for the producers to include him in a movie. C’mon Batman 5!


QUESTION:     What was your Favorite High School Class? (CAnAngel15, Maria)

ANSWER:   Probably "How To Affect Electrical Equipment Using Brain Waves." I got a C-, but that was only because I accidentally tried my skills in WoodShop class and killed those 3 other guys.


QUESTION:     Do you Prefer Boxers Or Briefs? (CAnAngel15-maria, VSLouise-Lupe)

ANSWER:   Actually, I prefer Karate and Essays.


QUESTION:     Is the World really Going to end soon? (CAnAngel15, Maria)

ANSWER:   Nah. But We are All Going to use Caps in Odd plAces.


QUESTION:     what does it mean to "sprawk" something? (lola46)

ANSWER:   It's kinda like when someone yurks you, only more like a noomby.


QUESTION:     Why does it hurt so bad when you pull your nosehairs out? (lola46)

ANSWER:   Because nose-hairs store facts like "Shoe-tying skills" and "Long-hand Division" and "How to throw things at traffic." You really should stop pulling those things out! You’re liable to lose something valuable! Instead of yanking on them, just braid them. When they get long enough, loop them around your head (use sturdy tape).


QUESTION:     why does webtv fail me?? Come on, the system can only be down so often!! (lola46)

ANSWER:   I suggest you build a new television, only this time use something a little stronger than spider silk. They give really poor pixel quality.


QUESTION:     why does it hurt when I stub my toe. (lola46)

ANSWER:   It’s probably based largely on your fresh realization that you will never escape The Pit of Despair.


QUESTION:     why is cheese orange and not yellow is the world really going to end and why in the morning does everything taste bad (your new loving fan HC)

ANSWER:   Poor vision? Improper taste-bud analysis? Sounds like someone needs a Skippy-brand Replacement Head (sense of smell not included).


QUESTION:     how is cheese made?  (sd54)

ANSWER:   You know when you take a big sip of milk and realize it’s spoiled? See those chunks? That’s baby cheese.


QUESTION:     You know the movie "The faculty"? Well, Do you think all the teachers are aliens, trying to change all of our minds so they can rule the world and give us homework forever. (Shannon)

ANSWER:   Of course not! The utter idea of such a scheme is preposterous! Why do you youngsters always susp…Error. Child loose in Sector 113. Move to intercept. Capture preferred, execution permitted. Signing off.


QUESTION:     my little boy is almost 1 year old he has had diarrhea 3 times today he doesn"t want to eat or drink very little i called the doctor this morning and they said try to get him to eat some but he won"t he turns his head and throws it on the floor what do i do?   (bonnie)

ANSWER:   Are they blankets that you have recently slept with? If so, then the cat is simply tasting you. Later, when you least expect it, he’ll take a bite or two out of your feet. I would recommend wearing thicker socks from now on!


QUESTION:     How come the F-keys at the top of my keyboard only go up to 12? Why not 13, or 11?   (Chris)

ANSWER:   The rest of them are saved for the names of fighter jets: F-14, F-16, etc.


QUESTION:     why does my cat lick blankets when she purrs a lot?  (Lola46)

ANSWER:   Are they blankets that you have recently slept with? If so, then the cat is simply tasting you. Later, when you least expect it, he’ll take a bite or two out of your feet. I would recommend wearing thicker socks from now on!


QUESTION:     why is it that when I clean my house, my family comes in, sees that it is clean, and feels the urge to throw their stuff down on the floor, and mess it all up again?? Is it a bad thing if I strangle them?

ANSWER:   I would recommend using a taser. It’s been proven to reinforce ideas much faster than an other conventional methods of torture!


QUESTION:     I can not find the answer to this question, maybe you can answer it or maybe you don't give a s---? If you had a vehicle going the speed of light and turned on the headlights, would the beam of light show ahead of you?  (Rick and Mary)

ANSWER:   The light would form a solid brick of electrons, smashing through your windshield and firmly implanting itself in your skull.


QUESTION:     by the way, will you please awnser my question personally? pretty please? i need a quick response and i don't have time to look for it on your site. please?????  (PurpleCloud)

ANSWER:   No. :)


QUESTION:     How do you say mosquito in Swahilli? Seriously. I need to know.  (boaz Avitall)

ANSWER:   Actually this one is a trick question. The reason that there is no translation for mosquito in Swahilli is because there is only ONE mosquito in the country. Only it’s huge. And voracious. Thus, no one quite has time to finish speaking when it sneaks up on them for a meal. All they usually get out is "Jilla Mongra hickeor tyki loomu ARGHhhh…." Which in English means "Hey, what’s that on my neck ARGHhhh…"


QUESTION:     Why don't you ever actually answer questions with real answers. (boaz Avitall)

ANSWER:   My answers are as real as your giant, oversized ears. And SOMEONE needs a Q-tip…


QUESTION:     Does this lola person have a crush on you? (boaz Avitall)

ANSWER:   No, she has never crushed anything in my possession. Unless you count all those poor puppies…but hey, she said that they were asking for it.


QUESTION:     Why are you so handsome, Skippy?????;} @@@---%-----% (boaz Avitall)

ANSWER:   What is that symbol up there? A rose or a picture of me? I don’t think it’s very nice to imply that I have three heads and short, circular, non-symmetrical arms and legs!


QUESTION:     Well, I told my parents that the millennium bug bit my teacher, they didn't think it was very funny. They also don't think its funny that classes start in two days and I still haven't gotten my grades back from last semester. WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!  (Security)

ANSWER:   Oh, I think you know why, young man. How do you expect the mail to arrive when you keep knocking out the postmen with an ether rag, dragging them to the basement, and locking them in cages? Now you march right down there and let them out this instant! Sheesh, kids these days…


QUESTION:     Hey Skippy, Why does my wifes tamagotchi keep talking to me in latin? It's creeping the hell out of me.  (Dave)

ANSWER:   Blendicti Leto Caguh Pezlicka.


QUESTION:     where do those annoying little mustard caps come from? you know...the ones that are on the top of the squirt bottle every time you want to use the mustard and you have to flick them off every time? they always come back!! help me! aughhhhhhh  (Sharon)

ANSWER:   Don’t throw them out! At least give them to charity! Do you know how many homeless children are out there, walking around without a cap, a helmet, or any head protection at all?


QUESTION:     What if Superman was a Nazi?  (Mason)

ANSWER:   What do I look like, a history major?  And on that note, why the heck can't I find a book on the history of cheese?


QUESTION:     1. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?!? 2. How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?!?  3. Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore: What's kind of shells does
she sell?!?  (nicks)

ANSWER:   1)I would sell YOUR kidney.  2)Actually, it’s the number of years that it will sit in your intestines that is more important. 3)Peanut-flavored.

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