Ask Skippy

Ask Skippy

Questions and Answers

Archive One

(31 Q and A's)

Here are the ones that started it all....(so blame them, not me! :)   )

Question: Why am I feeling an overwhelming (and increasingly frightening) attraction to Bono from U2? Is it temporary (or even scarier, permanent) insanity? (Rach.)

    Answer: And why is it called "U2" when there are CLEARLY more than two members?  And where can I register my name in the "Single Name Book of Celebrities" like Madonna, Jordan, and that symbol formerly known as the artist formerly know as Prince (but never formally known to belong to either gender in particular)?


Question: Yes, I would like to know if Yellow Ducky was injured in the implosion of the PennDot building? If so does insurance cover that? Also did you get to keep that really nice yellow/green T-shirt? (Gary)

    Answer: Actually, there is no "y" in Yellow Duck's name.  That would be demeaning.  And yes, Yellow Duck's brittle plastic skin was able to survive the blast, but he now has an odd facial tick when he comes in contact with yellow "Caution" tape.  It's tragic.   The shirt can be found in the back right corner of any Gap outlet for $14.95.   Don't be the last one on your block to own one!


Question: moo? (Michael Ferguson)

    Answer: What's that Bessie?  Timmy is in trouble?  Timmy is in the well?  Timmy is...eating hay?  Bessie?  Huh?


Question: How is it possible snot is able to run out either nostril while that same nostril is clogged beyond breathability? (doomicus)

   Answer: Physics.  Well, physics and a little bit of math.  Remember that part in Back to The Future where Marty (Michael J Fox) goes so fast in that car that he travels in time?  Nothing like that...


Question: Why does the word "cleave" have two opposite meanings? (Heidi Samuelson)

    Answer: That's a tough one.  All I know is that when I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like Grandpa, not screaming insanely like all of his passengers...


Question: yelp!!!! (Stephanie R. Cass)

    Answer: What's that Lassie?   Timmy's in trouble?  In the well?  Did he fall down the well, girl?   Wait...huh?  Timmy urinated on a tree?  Lassie, I'm not understanding you here...Timmy is laying down taking a nap?  Ah well....



Answer: Words spelled properly: 20 / Words spelled incorrectly: 3 / Sentences with proper syntax and punctuation: 0.  (Thanks for playing our game!)


Question: Hey Skippy...If it took a half a man a half an hour to dig a half a long would it take a whole man to dig a whole hole?  I have pondered this and will finally refer to the one that knows all (Mastermod)

    Answer: Why did a hole?   Why not make a mountain?  That's what I do.  I save empty soda cans and duct tape them together into a fashionable "Aluma-Fort."  This sturdy structure can withstand the weight of several healthy ants and earthquakes below .3 in magnitude.  Contact for details.  (Oh, and the answer to your question is one half of a whole hour)


Question: why? (Neil Cambridge)

   Answer: Because.


Question: Zantrax, where did you put the Crystal of Distraction? (Skale)

    Answer: Zantrax has moved.   His number is now (302) 831-6000.  Please contact him and tell him to pick up his dog.


Question: Why did my english teacher tell me I wrote a beautiful essay and then give me a D+ on it?!? Is she smoking crack? (Malia)

    Answer: Mrs. Costello?  Fifth period?  Yes, she does smoke crack.  Reports indicate she also ingests large quantities of mushrooms and sometimes hunts and eats small children.  (Hint: put a reference to these facts in your next essay so that she is aware that you're "in the know" and she'll probably give you an A just out of fear of being exposed.)


Question: Are you aware that due to rising market prices of flibbertigibbets the sons of diabetic Norns are more prone to silliness than the fathers of player pianos in which Grendels stalk the wild cantalope and my question makes no sense because I'm trying to make it as ultra-absurd as possible so I'm guaranteed to be on your page and have a wacky answer and am thus droning on in a long pointless run-on sentence which is quickly degenerating into a puddle of insanity so I'll stop now?         (The Fews)


    Answer: Yes.  But due to the recent crash in the Asian Market coupled with the decline in sales of Milli Vanilli tribute albums has led to mass histeria in the diets of the urban muskrat population.


Question: Are apple trees REALLY part of the rose family? I mean, how could a TREE be part of a FLOWER family?  (Marguerite Richardson)

    Answer: Actually, the American Science Foundation Journal (vol. 76, page 59-61) refers to apples as "the evil trick of the water fairies, hell bent on replenishing their vast store-houses of that magical purple aura."  One should also note the footnote on page 62, which reads "Author has severe chemical imbalance in brain."


Question: Hi I have alot of questions. 1) why do old women wear giant underpants? 2)what is the best cure for idleness?       3) what really happened when captain kurk encounered the tribbles? 4) why do dogs stick their heads out the windows of cars? 5) why are canadians so much more interesting than every other nationality? 6) what do they really put in hot dogs?

    Answer: Most Q/A people would be perturbed at so many quesitons, but Skippy loves to answer AS MANY quesitons as he can get!  So, here we go.  There will be a short quiz.  1) Unless you're in the drycleaning business, you may need counselling if you deal with large women's underwear on a daily basis. 2) Idleness can only be cured by more idleness.  I recommend reading this page more often.  The humor levels will compend and expand in your brain, forcing you and everyone else to ask more quesitons.  The act of writing is not idle, and thus, you have a short-term cure. 3) How do you think they multiplied so fast?  How come you never got to see into the Captian's room?  And don;t even ASK about the "Captian's log.." 4) Why do cars stick themselves around dog posteriors? It's all your frame of reference....  5) "Perhaps it's the way you say `eh' at the end of every sentence, eh?" :)  6) Who cares...I just put it all in a blender anyway with my cherry pie and potato chips. Nothing beats a tall glass of "Picnic Juice" on a hot summer day...


Question: On the first "Mr. John" Adventure, why is that Mr. John appears to sometimes speak out of his left nostril? (chris1)

    Answer: I really have to applaud Chris for his eye for detail.  I looked again, and sure enough, Mr. John WAS talking out his left nostril in several frames.  So, the truth must come out.  Mr John lost his vocal cords in a competition (all I can say is it involved a dare) and doctors had to re-route air to the nasal passages.   Thus, a sound (and speech) can be formed.  He's been working on it for several years now, and let me just say that you DON'T want to see his "ventriloquist" act, if you know what I mean...


Question: Why do clocks run clockwise? (Heidi)

    Answer: Oddly enough,  I own a book by that title.  Look for it, it's all about "imponderables."  If I wasn't so lazy I would look up the answer.  But alas, lazy I am.


Question: Why am I not world famous for my stupidity yet?? (Rose Edwards)

    Answer: Try as we might, Stupidity is not an Olympic Sanctioned Event yet.  Contact your congressmen.  I can't wait for the Winter Games now!  "Next up, Cletus will try to stick up that wound he sustained in the "falling" competiton using only a stapler and half a stick of gum."


Question: What would happen if a misquito bit a leech? (cool mom)

    Answer: Being a guy with a lot of book-smarts, I can rule this question out.  You see, a leech is nothing more than a large, fat, older mosquito.  When mosquitos get old and fat, they get lazy, so most head to warmer regions.  There, they usually steal small pieces of felt (perferably black, sometimes navy blue if black is not available) and fashion a small suit.  Dental surgery comes next (you don't know how many times I hear THAT one every day).  Once complete, what was once a mosquito is now a leech, and thus would not be bitten by its own kind.   Then again, I wonder what would happen if a mosuito bit a leech that was SUCKING on the mosquito?   Would it be a "paracite cycle?" Would the blood just flow forever and ever?  I need a nap....


Question: You hate squirrels. So do I. So.....Skippy.....what is the great secret of outwitting the nasty little buggers?                 (WeirdZeke)

    Answer: I think the main goal is deception.  Next time you walk out the front door, do a little zigzag.  Drive erratically on Mondays, and shout in Swahili on Wednesdays.  Anything to keep them on their toes....that way they won't eat your toes.  While you sleep.  Maybe.


Question: I saw your picture on your site. I think that you are so hot! It would really make my day if you sent me a nude or partially nude picture of yourself to me. I'm not going to put it on the internet or show it publicly. It will be for my own personal use and enjoyment. I think your are sooooo hot. PLEASE send me a photo! (Brad Fesi)

    Answer: Eek.   First off, let's get one thing straight.  I am heterosexual.  I like girls.  Secondly, if you still must know, the picture in front of the Mood Machine on the main page was taken without a shirt.  Use your imagination.  Now please pardon me as I shower several times.


Question: In light of the fact that the majority of Franz Kafka's protagonists strive ceaselessly, albeit in vain, to overcome irreconcilable obstacles, can an argument be made that Kafka represents, in point of fact, optimism in its most idealized, if convoluted form, and, how do you account for the recent decline in availability of pistachio ice cream nationwide?

    Answer: I believe that the industry has experienced a "Metamorphosis" due to the rising popularity of Tony Danza and the decline in sales of "Hungry Hungry Hippos" games.


Question: Where on earth is the Keystone State (that's if there really is a place called keystone and you're not just leading me on). I live in Queensland. (Tam Swanton)

    Answer: The Keystone state is Pennsylvania.  Still confused?  Click here for a handy homemade map.


Question: How come nobody has asked a question? (Paul Evans)

    Answer: Sometimes they can't figure out that all they have to do is click on the yellow words above.  Then again, we are all QUITE busy after the recent uproar in the Swiss-Italian Produce Market Index, so I understand...


Question: How long is the way to Tipperary?   Screw that. How long is it to Milwaukee, a much more interesting urban development? (Dan Brackett)

    Answer: From my small bamboo-reinforced hut inside the Men's Room at Burger King, Milwaukee is quite a distance away.   Then again, I suppose the answer would be based on whether I travel by bus or my more conventional Pogo-Ball.


Question: Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? -- (Marla Ballou)    -AND-

Question: Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? -- (Kazooti24)

    Answer: Skippy suggests that you compare notes and come up with a definitive answer for us all.  Or you could both eat paint chips.   I recommend paint chips from a lead-based mauve or magenta color, as they are far more satisfying on the way back up.


Question: Why am I back here again and not working? (Liz)

    Answer: I'm afraid the intense rays of humor at the site have finally collided and imploded, forming a Black Hole of Niftyness (this really exists...check the Pool Table of Awards to find it!) from which nothing can escape.  Except for those really fast small dogs.


Question: Why am I asking this question? (Robert Butler)

    Answer: Why did your question contain 6 words?   And why are there 6 letters in "asking?"  And why is it that if you add up all of the letters in your question, you get "24," which is CLEARLY divisible by. . .6!  I'm kinda frightened now.


Question: Will Seinfeld get paroled before his year is up? (Gepaway)

    Answer: My dad, genius that he is, has come up with a crafty explanation for Seinfeld's "retirement."   He notes that the last episode said that the cast was in prison for a ONE YEAR sentence.  That might mean that Seinfeld's real plan is to come back in a year (when the rest of TV still sucks and NBC's only money-making show is ER and Cooking with Herve Villachez) and start a bidding war between the networks to determine where his show will be broadcast.   I guess $5 million dollars an episode just doesn;t go as far as it used to these days. . .


Question: Dear Skippy, I can dance like nobody's business. However, I am not a superstar; Patrick Swayze is. What the hell! Don't you people realize that I'm a superstar! Once I get rid of Patrick, everything will be different. Nobody puts baby in a corner.  (Joe Wengert)

    Flippant Remark: Perhaps you and Patrick can co-star in Dirty Dancing Two: The Duel.   It's still a rough script, but it is slated to include Captain Jean-Luc Piccard as the "Dance Fairy Princess" and the all of the living members of the A-Team as "The Garduchi Brothers: the brothers that like to slow dance to Irish Sea Shanties."


Question: Why are ladybugs not bugs and dragonflies not flies? (Maryann Li)

    Answer: You're right. Lady Bugs are actually considered to be relatives of the Turtle Family, while every good entomologist knows that dragonflies should be called by their proper name: "Iridescent Blue Four-Winged Mini Squirrels."


Amused?  Ask a question!

--> Click here for some odd random phrases that people have used to find this page <--

<--Back to Ask Skippy!