Ask Skippy

Ask Skippy

Questions and Answers

Archive Nueve

(97 Q and A's)

Shh.  The vipers are venomous and angry!   They demand fresh tangerines!


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, Why do you Americans call toilets 'bathrooms' when they are obviously toilets and NOT bathrooms...which have a bath in and not necessarily a toilet. In this country they are called 'toilets' or 'loos', or the bog... I've always wanted to know this, so can you help, please? (Rachel from Darlington, England.)

ANSWER:   It's all about the way you decide to use things.  Americans like myself are happy to take a "toilet bath" now and then if needed.  Just grab a bucket, stand inside the toilet, and flush when needed.  Besides, those European "mini-toilets" scare us.   Also, what's the deal with calling it a "bog?"  Doesn't that imply swamp-like and hazy?  Sheesh, open a window and mop the floors now and then!


QUESTION:     What unusual natural phenomenon is capable of speaking in any language? (Mark)

ANSWER:  I'm not sure, but one time I met this guy on the street who could speak EVERY language.  The problem was that he tended to speak them all at once.  His strange fascination with acorns was a little unsettling as well.


QUESTION:     I was out with my friends last weekend and met this girl that told me that my boyfriend used to be hers. A little later one of my guy friends told me to stay away from that girl because she was hitting on me. It turns out that she really did have the hots for me and by the end of the night she had come on to me and my boyfiend at the same and different times. Now doesn't that seem a tad bit wierd? Plus all of my boyfriends exs are really ugly. Does that mean that I am to? (ALLItheANGEL)

ANSWER:   Sounds like Dawson's Creek meets 90210 meets that crazy guy in the question above this one.  My advice is to just wear a hat.  The larger, the better.


QUESTION:     Yes...I have a question. Skippy, how do you feel about the cartoon family, The Simpsons? What is your take on them? (Tweedldi4)

ANSWER:   The cartoon family represents one of the best shows ever created.  The real life family isn't as good though.  Something about all those stabbing I guess...but man, it sure was funny in that one Naked Gun movie when they pushed O.J. down the stairs in that wheelchair!


QUESTION:     who's the real slim shady? (TinyJanie)

ANSWER:   Sorry to interrupt, but could someone please kill French Stewart already?  Or at least wound him?  I can't stand that 3rd Rock From the Sun voice he is always's so annoying it hurts.  Also, what's the deal with all the squinting?  Is the world too bright for him? 


QUESTION:     Where does the white go when the snow melts? (clair)

ANSWER:   It goes straight into the making of toilet paper.  So next time you start pulling off a few sheets, think of Frosty!


QUESTION:     how do I make crank? (Vernett101)

ANSWER:   First, you'll need to visit a junk yard.  Find a nice sturdy gear about the size of your head.  Swallow that.  Next find a decent handle-shaped car.  Swallow that too.  Now concentrate and visualize the two parts combining together inside you.  Then, as you realize that both parts have jammed in your throat and are cutting off your air supply, you can smile as you pass out.


QUESTION:     why do i eat so many cheese sandwiches? (PawsRocks)

ANSWER:   In order to increase sales, the Cheese Counsel has added stimulants to their products, and you're addicted.  You know how that commercial says "Behold the power of cheese?"  Bingo.


QUESTION:     Do you ever sit in front of your computer and bawl like a baby? (Whitney)

ANSWER:   No, but sometimes I sit here and BRAWL like a baby.  You know, just flailing my tiny arms wildly and with no exact target.  Now bring me a bottle of warm Tang!  NOW!


QUESTION:     What causes people to yawn? (Eileen Bardos)

ANSWER:   I'm sure you know how whales eat, right?  Oh no?  Well, they use giant mouth organs to filter tiny plankton out of the water as food.  We humans do the same thing when we yawn, only we consume dust particles.  Mmm....


QUESTION:     Where can I buy whey protein concentrate and sodium caseinate in small amounts at the best price to make my own protein drink. (woodard)

ANSWER:   Why buy it when you can make it?  Gather up a handful of ants and a couple of pieces of chalk and put them in a blender.  Pour in some cough syrup and milk.  Blend.  Now guzzle that thing, baby!  That's SkipJuice you're drinking!  Our slogan is: "It's just like Gatorade, only completely different!"


QUESTION:     Um, what was that again? (standard)

ANSWER:   Sheesh!  Cmon man, we've been over this a dozen times now.  One more time:  Meet me at the loading dock, bring a mask, and stay quiet.  When you hear me click my tongue three times, you leap out and yell "The scorpions!  The scorpions are everywhere!"   Got it?


QUESTION:     so, jimmy... do you like films about gladiators? (Bob S.)

ANSWER:   You bet I do, mister!   They make the strongest garbage bags out there!  They put those "Cinch sack" things to shame any day...


QUESTION:     How come it only thunders in the summer not the winter? (bill)

ANSWER:   I'm no weather expert here, but...because it doesn't RAIN in the winter?


QUESTION:     where do you find information on the eastern grey kangaroo!!!!!! (Books 'n' Bitz Internet Access)

ANSWER:   Why you can find all you want to know about Eastern Grey Kangaroos!!!!! and so much more!!!!! in the new!!!!! Smith and Hoileson!!!!! Five-freakin' Exlcamation Points Science Facts!!!!! book, available at Walmart!!!!! and other fine stores around the globe!!!!!


QUESTION:     hey skippy why is my bed always wet (Goku789109)

ANSWER:   Perhaps it's those giant, leaking bed sores covering 90% of your body!  Get some exercise and some sunlight, ya slacker!  Oh, and a shower wouldn't hurt either...


QUESTION:     what are truffles? (LouAnn DuPlayee)

ANSWER:  I'm not really sure.  I think I remember hearing that they are underground fungus blobs that taste like chocolate.   They use special pigs to sniff them out, so they must be good, because we all know what picky eaters pigs are!


QUESTION:    Why do people think they are being clever when they ask things like "Are we having fun yet?" and "Is it cold/hot enough for ya?"   (Tina.Avila)

ANSWER:   I'm just happy that people like that have access to the internet.  They act as good spam magnets, purchasing into every pyramid scam on the internet and all the furry talking turtle pillowz that they can carry.  That way those spam guys don't have to bother the rest of us...


QUESTION:     Which is better, crispy chicken fillet or grilled chicken fillet? (Mike Courington)

ANSWER:   I prefer real chicken, not that experimental "fillet" hybrid.  Who knows what evil scientists are putting into the chickens to make them grow in the shape of perfect little circles?   Scary...


QUESTION:     why do people from canadia always seem to have the "odd manner"???  (Phil P)

ANSWER:   When in doubt, blame it on the Metric System.  Those crazy Canadians and their funny little "centimeters."  I tried to buy a yard of rope up there and the guy tried to lay it down on the front lawn to measure it...


QUESTION:     How old should I be? (TRACY CAMERON)

ANSWER:   Let me guess, you were playing around with marshmallows and corn and torn yet another hole in the space/time continuum, right?  Well I'm afraid the only way you're going to learn is by punishment.  You are now officially 83 1/2.


QUESTION:     do you like poodles that deliver paint thinner? (William Paris)

ANSWER:   Nah.  They always get really loopy off of the fumes and start attacking my festive lawn gnomes.


QUESTION:     Do I need a cream for this? (Eoin McCarthy)

ANSWER:   Nope.  Something that big is going to require a salve.  Better get a big dog to lick it occasionally prevent scaring and everything...


QUESTION:     skippy, why do they got a white pizza for the white man, but not a black pizza????? (shequata)

ANSWER:   They make a black pizza, but it isn't as popular.  Instead of cheese, they cover the pizza entirely in coffee grinds.  Caffienated?   Yes.    Tasty?  Heck no.


QUESTION:     If God was me, making me God, replacing me with God and God with me, but who am I after God becomes me and I replace God??? (Keight)

ANSWER:   It reminds me of a game of musical chairs.  While you and God are figuring out who is who, I'm going to sit in the last chair and win the yo-yo.  Woohoo!  I am the musical chairs czar!


QUESTION:     why do fat people never know why their so big? (bsmoove)

ANSWER:   I suppose that when you get to a certain point of obesity, you can no longer see the readings on the bathroom scale.   That means you are forced to guesstimate every morning, and it's not like you're going to notice four or five new pounds from that patio table smothered in peanut butter that you ate last night.


QUESTION:     skippy, I have this friend that thinks my name is pete for some reason, and I keep telling him its not but he still calls me pete. How can I make him stop calling me pete? (warren faber)

ANSWER:   Go out to Hechinger (or the local hardware store of your choice) and ask to purchase "a big chemical vat like the ones in those action movies that always seem to have catwalks dangling over them."   Then purchase a nice 100-gallon drum of whatever chemical is on sale that week.   Bleach works in a pinch.  Next you'll want to wait for your friend to fall asleep.  Carefully and quietly wrap him in duct tape and tie his feet to the end of a long rope.  Dangle the rope over the acid.  Wait for him to wake up.  Then, in a gentle voice, tell him "I'm not Pete.  I'm Warren."


QUESTION:     What is your favorite jello casserole recipe? (Curmudgeon)

ANSWER:   Spam and lime jello are a personal favorite.  Both of them jiggle, unlike those pesky strawberries.   Stupid fruit.


QUESTION:     Why does Janet Reno look like she was born from the ashes of George Washington? (Colin Jackson)

ANSWER:   Uh oh, someone's been sniffing paint thinner again!  (Yes, I mean Ms. Reno)


QUESTION:     Why does my dog eat so much and then puke it back up and then eat it again? Does anybody else seem to think that this is wrong? (Lola)

ANSWER:   I'd say it was perfectly normal, except for the fact that "Somuch" is that Australian midget maid you've been keeping around the house.  Somuch says that he is getting really tired of the constant eating/puking cycle.  It really does a number on his uniforms.


QUESTION:     jeezers wheezers, where'd ya get those tweezers?! (LttleAngel69)

ANSWER:   Sears.  $2.59 each.


QUESTION:     Why are there so many songs about rainbows? (Cat)

ANSWER:   Because leprechauns have a stranglehold on the deep innerworkings of the music industry. 


QUESTION:     What is the "Brilliance Analogy"? (BeachGK00)

ANSWER:   It's a comparison between....well...Okay, it's like when you...hmm.  See you take Brilliance and you compare it to...ah nevermind, I forget.


QUESTION:     Bob? (Linwong)

ANSWER:   What about him?


QUESTION:     What are there more, Pigs or Chimps? (iddoho)

ANSWER:   In my house, I'll go with chimps.  They begged me "can we get some more pigs?"  "We'll take care of them," they said.  But they never seem too interested when it comes to the whole "time to shovel the living room again" part.


QUESTION:     If Cats is such a terrible show, why do so many people like it? (Ofunkyme)

ANSWER:   Because Weasels doesn't get very much critical acclaim.  You just have to hear the songs. "Weasel Lovin' is the Best Kinda Lovin'" and "Who Stole My Pants Last Thursday?" are true masterpieces.


QUESTION:     skimpy, what time is it? (Spam4Dinner)

ANSWER:   Time for you to get my name right, slacker :P


QUESTION:     Skippy my dog has very swollen and rock hard glands. What could this be? (Bree Norman)

ANSWER:   Have you noticed that he has also stopped eating?  In fact, he has never eaten ANY of the food you have put out for him over the last four years.  It's time to be honest with yourself Bree: Your dog is actually a granite statue.  Also, you maybe want to take those swedish fish out of the fishtank sometime soon...they aren't growing, they are getting bloated from water adsorption.  Get an ant farm or something...


QUESTION:     Who ARE you? (TH)

ANSWER:   Skippy.  You ask questions, I answer them.  I also make a mean chocolate omelet, but only if you give me a backrub first.


QUESTION:     Pete and Repeat are on a boat, Pete jumps out, who's left? (Martin Gallagher)

ANSWER:   The rotting, ever-screaming zombie corpse of Sherry Lewis.  And her little hand puppet too...


QUESTION:     Skippy, who is T.R.O.N. and why does this person have exclusive selling rights on this website. I want to solicit my products, too. My dad know this guy who used to be a lawyer and would take the case for very little money. I also have seventeen rabid, swollen spongefish ready to fight. (They are also for sale, 29.95.)Don't make me take my protests to the streets of south Miami. It could get violent.

ANSWER:   You're on.  Meet me on the corner of Lincoln and State street at 4pm.  You bring your spongefish, I'll bring a giant backpack full of blended lasagna.  Whoever is the first to climb out of the aluminum cage is the winner.  (Sorry about the aluminum, but have you seen the price of a decent steel cage these days?  You'd have to sell a child to afford those things...and they take nine months to make!)


QUESTION:     Is three enough? (Dmp31416)

ANSWER:   That depends.  Is your mom coming this time or not?  I'm sick of wearing the apron and cleaning up after all the mongooses.  I'm also sick of you correcting me and telling me that "It's mongEEse, moron!"


QUESTION:     Where will my husband's next job be? (Ray Killough)

ANSWER:   Let's just say that a certain restaurant chain will soon have the new and improved slogan of "Food, Folks, Your Husband, And Fun."  Tell him to bring me some free fries, and not to eat them on the way over like in that one commercial!


QUESTION:     is Ricky Martin gay? (LiLPrincess)

ANSWER:   If you mean "gay" as in "Heterosexual," then you'd be wrong.  All I know is that there is always a dancer wearing about 1/4 of a shirt and shaking like a crystal meth addict, yet Ricky never seems to be paying much attention to her and her pair of large, round, jiggly...earrings.  And you know how much men like attractive earrings. 


QUESTION:     how come? (Wendy)

ANSWER:   How many times do I have to tell you?  It was late and my donkey needed a place to rest!  Why do you keep bringing this up in front of everyone?


QUESTION:     why do people hate vegetarians? (Swan Partington)

ANSWER:   I certainly don't hate them.   I just think it will be hilarious to watch them when those crafty modern scientists are finally able to mass-produce a carrot that screams when you bite it.  Then what will they eat?  P.S.:  My guess is "tiny rocks."


QUESTION:     What will happen if a GREEN dragon get's into a fight with the swormaster of Garreth armed with the bastardsword of Rondra?

ANSWER:   Well at first I was going to point out the obvious: You need to roll a combination totaling over 15 using 7 three-sided dice.  But then I noticed that you said a GREEN dragon, so I remembered the Rule of the Severed Corn Muffin, which clearly dictates that "Any attack on a Green Dragon will be countered immediately with the possibility of a randomness cloud if-and-only-if there are dwarves present that have an accountability level of 6+ and a Shame Quotient of -4."  But THEN I noticed that you are using the Rondra sword, which is entirely different than the sword of Ronda, which requires that your opponent eat several gallons of sand to get it out of their heart.  So my final answer is going to have to be that you roll a 2 1/2-sided die and dance a one-footed cha-cha for several minutes until exhausted.


QUESTION:     i am bored i want some drugs i have no moneycan you help (Ckdamit)

ANSWER:   If you're really hard up, you could bash your teeth in with a hammer.  Then go to the dentist and novocaine.


QUESTION:    how do i so a girl i love her (Mongooserob)

ANSWER:   Love is such a beautiful thing.  Especially when it is expressed with the making of fine garments.  I suggest that you sew her a pair of fashionable Eminem earmuffs.


QUESTION:     is it necessary to clean duct work (Osmon)

ANSWER:   Are we talking regular use, or have you been breeding turtles in there again?


QUESTION:     How can I make homemade goldfish food? (MegaChick27)

ANSWER:   Goldfish really like red meat.  I suggest you slice a steak up into little pieces and put it in the tank.   They won't eat it, but they do enjoy swimming around with it.


QUESTION:     Where's Waldo? (KFergie2000)

ANSWER:   I'd love to finally tell someone the secret, but my two-year statue of limitations isn't up yet.


QUESTION:     Skippy how come all the boys love to chase me they even snap the back of my
bra sometimes why do they do that?(i need to know today nicole)

ANSWER:   My guess is that you're too bossy and controlling, Miss Know Today Nicole.


QUESTION:     did you know that my friends and i call you the male version of our friend laurie? except more sarcastic, sometimes. (Moviestara)

ANSWER:   Seriously?  That's utterly intriguing.  In fact, I think I will...nevermind, it's not that intriguing anymore.  Who wants tacos?  I do, I do! 


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, Where can I find pin-out information on an Emerson drive, model number ES2600RG? (Leah Parris)

ANSWER:   Kazaam!   Check your left front pocket.


QUESTION:     i don't really like catfish...or that wrong? (BadFruit)

ANSWER:   I'm not too keen on it either.  But it's better than beanfish and cat any day.


QUESTION:     What does the Noodle Incident of '87 have to do with anything besides Calvin and Hobbes?  (Compute827)

ANSWER:   Not much.  It was more of a clever reference than anything else.  I memorized the entire lyrics to the "Barney's Mean Dad" poem...scary, eh?


QUESTION:     If e to the i pi equals negative one, does that mean that e to the 2 i pi equals one, and 2 i pi equals zero? How wierd!  (M Nicholson)

ANSWER:   One time I went to this farmer's market out in Fresno, and this woman was selling "eye pie" made out of rat eyes.  I think sugar was involved too.


QUESTION:     Why can no-one spell wierd?  (MartiN)

ANSWER:   Because it goes against that little saying we all know:  "I before E, unless after C, or when sounding like A as in neighbor or weigh."  If only more people were aware of the second verse that says "Unless of course you're spelling the world 'weird,' in which case the previous rule does not apply, much like your slacker Uncle Joe when it comes to job applications."  I suppose it would be easier to learn if it rhymed or something.


QUESTION:     Do you have a clever answer to every question?  (MartiN)

ANSWER:   No.  But usually tossing in the world "weasel" is good for a laugh!


QUESTION:     Skippy, whenever I get goosebumps, does it really mean there are dead people standing by?   (Taylor)

ANSWER:   No.  Sometimes it means that your skin is tired and needs some rest.  Draw a warm bath, then crumple up the picture of the bath, lather yourself up with peanut butter, and take a nap.


QUESTION:     SKIPPPY!!! you slacker! I go and visit your page to the point where i get the 400 visits message, you know - your boss payed you for wasting time, and i didn't look down there in a long time, i look down there now - it says i've been there 7 times. WhYYYYY!!!??? I no i seem to have no life, but when i hit 500 visits i don't want to see a 1, you need more witty little things for that. (Later - Derek, Batman, PsykoC77, whatever.)

ANSWER:   Blame Microsoft.   Partly because when you clear your cookies, you lose the counter, and partly because everyone always likes to blame Microsoft.


QUESTION:     Skippy, is Allen Parsons going through Denial? or is he just a flake? (grizzledog)

ANSWER:   If he is really a flake, going through denial would be the last thing he'd have to worry about.  I'd be more concerned with being eaten and digested by a goldfish.


QUESTION:     do you want to be a forest ranger  (Bad Ass Cabbage)

ANSWER:   Actually I'd settle for any kind of ranger.  My current picks include Power Ranger, Rescue Ranger, and Texas Ranger.  But if I were a Texas Ranger I would have to be behind everyone, according to Chuck Norris, and that's not my thing.  I prefer being a little to the left of people.


QUESTION:     I just want to know why Jacob Stark laughs like the Count from Sesame Street. or, in question form...
Why does Jacob laugh like the Count ( ah ah ah ah)?  (R&D)

ANSWER:   Did you ever consider that making he has been choking on a piece of chocolate-flavored cereal that has been wedged in his windpipe for several years?  Call 911!


QUESTION:     hey skippy...will you marry me and have my children....i'll give melissa a dead rat, and some goldfish in return
*skipping for skippy*  (Crystal)

ANSWER:   I'll consider the marriage, but having the children is out of the question.  I'm afraid I have no womb to offer, unless of course we got creative and used powerful lab equipment.  In that case, I think I can clear some space in the kitchen for the centrifuge.


QUESTION:     are aliens running the government and are UFOs real.  (thanks kevin)

ANSWER:   No and definitely no. (NaOaTaEa TaOa AaLaIaEaNa HaIaGaH CaOaUaNaCaIaLa:a CaHaAaNaGaEa SaEaCaRaEaTa CaOaDaEa,a TaHaEa HaUaMaAaNaSs AaRaEa OaNa TaOa UaSa!a)


QUESTION:     why is this page taking up my valuable time  (LiLBoyBlink13)

ANSWER:   Because we have special JavaScript hidden in the pages that ships it across the net to us.  Once here, it is packaged in jars labeled "Chicken Knees" (to confuse the Feds) and shipped to third world countries, where they open up and use the free time to make more shoes and knickknacks for sale to the US.  That foam hand at the baseball game is a direct result of your slacking at the office!  Congrats!


QUESTION:     What is the question for this answer?  (seantnt)

ANSWER:   Will the Question will suffice, or do you require an answer as well?


QUESTION:     whe are you going to answer my ?? (pattiguns)

ANSWER:   Probably when you include actual words and text in your emails, instead of pages and pages of question marks.


QUESTION:     why do guy's alway's ask me for a date???  (christine16)

ANSWER:   If I had to guess, I'd wager that it's NOT because of your stunning grasp of the use of apostrophes.


QUESTION:     hi skippy,i am 32 yeaes old and has had bad body odor all my life i can't seem to get rid of it can you give me some helpful tips that will help me with my problem? (charlotte213)

ANSWER:   Build yourself a travelling shower hat for 24 hour freshness.  Also, rub your feet with tic tacs three times an hour.


QUESTION:     Why am I not tired? Please help!  (Kraker84)

ANSWER:   I don't know, but if I didn't have to sleep, I would devote all of my early morning hours to two things: Tai chi and bocce ball.  It's the secret to success: first you crush them at lawn bowling, then you mystify them with your slow-moving dance meditation skills.


QUESTION:     How would i make an Illegal Homemade drug any drug at all what Ingrediants ?  (William Wilson)

ANSWER:   Drinking a large cup of bleach would probably do the trick with very little mixing involved.  The only negative effect is that the only "buzz" you'd get from it would be the burning sensation in your throat as it slowly dissolves.


QUESTION:     What the?   (JOSH-WAH-LING)

ANSWER:   Oh, you found my hat!   Wonderful!


QUESTION:     why do you have complete morons asking completely assisnine questions, and how do you come up with such brilliant answers to them? (Bubbles)

ANSWER:   Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, unless of course the beholder has been killed and his eye has been removed, in which case Beauty  is in the hand of the guy who is holding the eye of the dead beholder.  Don't even get me started on the Brilliance analogy, it involves an ocean, several sheep, and a battery operated ice tray.


QUESTION:     Skippy, why does John's main page say I have "experienced the niftyness 87 times" when in reality, I have probably "experienced the niftyness" around 175+ times? (Kate)

ANSWER:   Please see above for the cookies solution.  Unless of course, you don't care about the technical side of things, in which case my reply would have to be that the Niftyness wears off over time, and one much replenish their reserves frequently to stay Nifty, much like getting vitamin C keeps us from talking in a pirate voice and dying of scurvy.


QUESTION:     Do you know Amir? (davidtigerlee)

ANSWER:   That depends on what your definition of "know" means.  If "know" means that I know where he lives and I sleep under his car on Tuesday nights, then I'm afraid that I can't answer your question without consulting my lawyer first.


QUESTION:     who are you?  (Tiffany98411)

ANSWER:   Skippy.  Next question.


QUESTION:     why should anybody live???  (Ravi Shoorir)

ANSWER:   Call me old fashioned, but...hey wait a minute!  Why are you calling me old-fashioned?  All of my cell phones are digital, I use the microwave to cook all of my jello-based casseroles, and I have several televisions mounted in my car attached to a large spool of cable running from my house.  So MAYBE the wire drags a little when I drive and trips pedestrians, but is that any reason to hate me?  You're mean.


QUESTION:     I am 41 and single. Will I ever find mister right and live happily ever after?  (Leslie)

ANSWER:   Ouch, not at that age.   I'm afraid you'll just half to settle for one or the other.  Personally, I would go for "happily ever after," because that means a nursing home with pingpong tables.


QUESTION:     if you're so good at skipping, why haven't I ever seen you in that book from those Guiness people? (Thomas Edison)

ANSWER:   Oh yeah Mr. Edison?   Well I don't exactly see many people using a phonograph these days either!


QUESTION:     Darling Skippy- Would you please list the components that create inspirational architecture for me? I need to quote you in my thesis paper.  Thank you.  (Venus)

ANSWER:   Well, let's start with coasters.  You'll need several types: plastic, wood, and granite.  The granite ones are best for drinks that are served in a flaming cup, because granite doesn't burn.   Also, try to get those coasters with a horse on them.  That horse always makes me laugh.  He's very inspirational to me on those early mornings when I'm drinking a lukewarm cup of turnip and lemon juice.


QUESTION:     what day of the week will it be on Feb. 26, 2002?  (Willie Denny)

ANSWER:   Ah ha!  Trying to trick me, eh?  Well, it won't work, because I am aware that the US is currently in the process of phasing out February altogether in favor of tacking on a few extra days to June and July.  Also, there will be a 92-hour period between January and March in which it will be illegal to consume anything with beans in it.  March 1st will then officially be named Legume Day, and we will all feast and gorge ourselves on luscious beans of all shapes and sizes to celebrate our lengthy fast.


QUESTION:     Why do ducks have orange feet?  I really like to know!  (Leonard Domhof Haarlem Holland)

ANSWER:   Actually, those are boots.   That water can get pretty cold ya know!


QUESTION:     Why am I writing these questions instead of getting a life? Am I trying to prevent you from having a life, too? Where can I buy a life? My local life selling store closed for lack of business. (kathy)

ANSWER:   I like to shop on the internet for those kinds of things.  Try and buy around Christmas, because then you get free shipping and (best of all) free giftwrap!  Nothing says "I love you" like a soul in a brightly-colored box.


QUESTION:     Will you please tell John that the correct spelling is not 'niftyness' but 'niftiness'? I know this little error must drive you into a spelling correction frenzy.  (kathy)

ANSWER:   It just looks better.   Who the heck made the "official" spelling anyway?  I think that taking the "y" out of nifty is like taking the "astic" out of "fantastic," and that's just a travesty of justice.


QUESTION:     In the lyrics to the ending theme song to The Beverly Hillbillies, does it say "You're all welcome back next wee", or, "You're all invited back next week"? Thanks.   (AngryShrew)

ANSWER:   The first one.  It was rarely shown on the show, but after the second season the oil well ran out of oil, and the Hillbillies were forced to resort to a business of pay toilets.


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, Why am I allergic to cats?  (Allison)

ANSWER:   It makes it more fun for the cats.  That way, they can sit on your face when you sleep and laugh when your skin gets all red and puffy.  It's a huge joke in the feline world.


QUESTION:     What are 6 sports that use a Net but not a Ball?  I have:  Badminton, Fishing, Ice Hockey, Discus.  Do you know any others?  (gproctor)

ANSWER:   Well, there is BruiseLand, in which one man dresses in green and attempts to do laps of a field while his five opponents try to trip him with radio-controlled nets.  Then there is Extreme Skyscraper Leaping, in which you leap from a tall building and your remains are carried away in a net.  I only endorse the first one though, according to my lawyers.


QUESTION:     Why is the moon so boring? Is it because it just doesn't have an appealing atmosphere? I mean, when I was there it was terrible. I went to one restaurant, no one ever goes there because it is so busy, I went anyway. The food was so dry, it didn't have a good taste to it, and the lines for the bathroom, you'd think that there was rocket science involved in the bathroom. Sheesh! Oh well.  (Lola Banana(President of the Stop Cher From Ever Singing Again Club [SCFESAC])

ANSWER:   The problem lies in that whole "covered in dust" thing.  I mean, what good is getting a taco when it gets coated in 3 inches of moon dust the minute you unwrap it?  Ah well, when I coat it in hot sauce it all tastes the same anyway...Oh, and don't get me started on that whole "Sorry sir, there is no water on the moon" deal.  What good is a planet filled entirely with Gatorade when you can't get a decent glass of water?


QUESTION:     Will all the blocks of cheese in the world ever grow arms and legs and start killing humans?   (Vic9128)

ANSWER:   Probably, but remember: it's just cheese.  Gnaw on a limb or two and they fall right over.  Then you can poke them with a stick and watch them wiggle around like humorous retarded lizards.


QUESTION:     Is it me, or are cows aliens from another planet?  (Blanchard)

ANSWER:   It's you.  Next.


QUESTION:     Dear Skippy, Can you please tell me why I have the flu? I'd really like to know the reason I am forced by it to vomit all over the place.  Thanks! (A.T.)

ANSWER:   That's not the flu.   It's nasal parasites.  How many times have I told you not to sniff DIRECTLY from your "Soils of the World Collection?"


QUESTION:     Is Ashley really half bug?  (Peachie135)

ANSWER:   Come on, that's a no brainer.  Of course she is half bug.  Haven't you ever noticed that her legs have been replaced with a steel frame, airbags, four wheels and a large VW emblem?


QUESTION:     am i alright?  (Matt4phish)

ANSWER:   That depends on how much you're 4phish.  Are we talking "fish are nice and we shouldn't eat them" or is it more like "fish are our royal masters and we must feed our children to them?"


QUESTION:     so, if scientists reckon that the universe is everything, and the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?  (Ad.)

ANSWER:   It's expanding into my room.   I wish it would stop too, because I barely have space for my computer and these bags of Doritos with all of these planets stacking up around me.


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