John's Fortune Cookies

(I was going to call this section "Ponderables" or "Thoughts" or something else really lame and over-used, then I decided not to. )

Ever just sit around thinking up funny little one liners?  Okay, maybe it's just me. 
Here's a few that I remembered to write down.  Enjoy! 

-= Guaranteed to be at LEAST 40% humorous! =-

 

Fortune Archives - pace yourself and save some for later...
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If I was ever captured by pirates and forced to join their crew, I'd offer to be the Bosonís mate. No one usually knows what a Bosom really does anyway, let alone his helper. That way I could always sneak off and take a lot of naps. Some people swear by taking "power naps" for energy. I say screw the naps, if you want real energy all you need is a handful of sugar and a dash of crystal meth. I think that "Big Brother" show would be a lot more interesting if it contained a giant robotic "brother" that walked around beating up the cast members.

Is it illegal to yell "Fire!" in EVERY theater? For instance, at a Pauly Shore movie. You'd be doing the audience a favor, really.
 

Sometimes I wish that they would let the public into the Stock Exchange room. I bet it would be fun to wander around screaming "Sell! For God Sakes, SELL!" and tossing little bits of paper in the air.
 

In hindsight, my plan to hold a ticker-tape parade to congratulate our city's street sweeper crew was probably a bad idea.
 

I really enjoy that new real-life TV show about the guy who spends his whole day surfing the internet at work while trying to look busy in front of his boss. Oh wait, that's just my average day.
 
I had a daydream about a nightmare in the middle of the afternoon yesterday. It confused the heck out of me. Whenever I have a problem, my friend Steve always hands me a perfect solution.
Usually his solutions have
a light blue tint and are extremely alcoholic.
Smokey the Bear says that "only you can prevent forest fires." Great. My job is hectic enough, and now I have to go around doing the work of lazy firefighters?

I hate when people try to start a conversation with "Do you have a minute?" because dang it, I need every spare minute to find more sweet sweet goat porn.
 

I think Superman would be cooler if he was the Man of Reinforced Plexiglass.  
Bullets would still bounce off, but we'd get the added bonus of seeing real superhero internal organs.
 

Political correctness is ruining our society.  Especially our board games.
"Extremely Malnourished Hippos" just isn't the same.
 

Imagine my embarrassment when my young cousin asked if Harry Potter could come to his birthday party and I invited Steve, our afro-headed personal landscaper.
 
When life gives you lemons, become a shady used car dealer. I bet that if they added a brain-teaser competition to the Olympics, one of the puzzles would be getting apart those five interlocking rings. Who exactly is that Speech guy and why do people keep crafting figures of him?

Sometimes I like to walk through the mall and silently speak gibberish, just to mess with any deaf lip-readers that might be around.
 

I learned something very important today. 
When someone gives you a choice of two options, you usually want
to pick the alternative to "Or I'll jam a pencil in your eye."
 

I hate when writers back up statements with phrases like "100,000 Elvis fans can't be wrong."  I bet they're wrong all the time. People are just afraid to tell them because a massive mob of heavyset men singing Heartbreak Hotel in a off-key chorus of ear-splitting pain.
 

Given the recent trends in music, I would like to officially predict
that the #1 singer of 2015 will be a Latin computer-generated 8 year old with artificial breasts the size of two VolksWagon bugs.
 
Sometimes I lay awake at night, pondering where Pauly Shore is at that exact moment and wondering why no one has shot him yet. Whenever I see someone who is really obese, I usually picture them in the shower.  
Not because I find them attractive though.  I'm just curious how in the world they wash their back.
Sometimes I buy an extra jug of milk and just let it spoil.  The resulting chunks may be foul-smelling and taste awful, but they sure save me money on my yogurt budget.   The result?  More money to spend on sweet sweet goat porn.

If you're a millionaire, I bet a good trick to play on people is to put a burning paper sack filled with money on someone's doorstep.  They won't stomp on it because they'll think it is dog excrement, but I bet they feel really dumb when they find out later how much cash they just missed out on.
 

If I pierced the heads of three low-talent actresses, threaded them with some string and tied them in a circle, would you call it a CHARMED bracelet?
 

I think the "Presidential Race" would be much more exciting if it
actually involved several miles of televised uphill jogging.
 

Everytime a bell rings, another angel gets its wings. Then again, most
churches are using computerized timers and loudspeakers these days,
which must really irk them up there in Angel-land.
 
Did you know that anything within a six-foot radius of a toilet gets covered in microbes every time you flush? Happy brushing! My college is now offering Park-by-phone service, but I'm still worried about how they are going to get my car into all of those tiny speaker holes. I just invented an oven cleaner spray that attracts insects. Cleaning ovens is hard work, so you might as well get some free exterminating out of it too.

If I ever own a casino I'm going to invent a new game where you can
place bets on the percentage of people that walk out broke every half hour.
I'll call it "Loserino."
 


I bet there would be fewer arsons if everyone had to stand around and blow on the flame to really get it going, because man, people are just too busy these days.
 


I bet that lactose-intolerant mice get picked on a lot.

 


Today's Tip: If you find white powder in your package, try to remember if you ordered it or not before calling the police. They really frown on you for mistaking your fine-grade cocaine shipment for silly Anthrax.
 

If the WB and UPN can have news shows, why can't the Sci-Fi channel?  I think it would be cool to see the anchors fight off aliens and teleport around while informing me about national events.

I call it artwork.  Unfortunately, the police call it public defecation.  Guess who the judge sided with AGAIN?

Sometimes I wonder why I have yet to fulfill my dream of building a pyramid in my honor.  Then I usually remember the part about my lack of 10,000 slaves and a decent quarry near my house.


I've read that there are alternate dimensions based on every decision ever made by anyway.  No offense, but shouldn't that have made that show "Sliders" a lot more boring?  I mean c'mon, how much different is a world when some guy named James over in Australia decided to go with ketchup instead of mustard on his shrimp?  Unless, of course, you count the fact that putting either of those condiments on shrimp is kinda nasty.
 


Whenever a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad with my meal,
I just tell them to mix it in a big bowl so I can have some of each.
 


I bet the first guy who walked on real pins and needles never imagined it would become a witty metaphor.  I bet he was thinking something more along the lines of "Oh my God, who the hell dropped all of these damn sharp things that are now lodged deep in my feet?"
 


You know what the best part about using a jackhammer without ear protection is?  Not being able to hear the snide comments from everyone that walks by telling me that I am going to destroy my hearing if I keep using a jackhammer without ear protection.
 

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All fortunes are (c)1999-2002 by John Gephart IV Written permission is required for any re-publication