John's Fortune Cookies

(I was going to call this section "Ponderables" or "Thoughts" or something else really lame and over-used, then I decided not to. )

Ever just sit around thinking up funny little one liners?  Okay, maybe it's just me. 
Here's a few that I remembered to write down.  Enjoy! 

-= Guaranteed to be at LEAST 40% humorous! =-


Fortune Archives - pace yourself and save some for later...
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Next time I am invited to an Edible Utensils convention, I'm going to sign up to bring the Peanut Butter Cups. A penny saved is a penny earned, but even a large handful of them isn't enough to buy a soda. With all the advances in television technology, why is there still no "Everyone Gets Naked" button?

Yesterday my best friend finally broke down and told me that I really should stop slaughtering hitchhikers and keeping their bodies in my shed. So I bought one of those big freezers for more storage.

Why does professional hockey have such pansy team names? The Red Wings? The Maple Leafs? How lame! And what the heck is a Flyer, anyway?

Last week I ate a 5th Avenue bar on 5th Avenue while little kids eating Snickers bars snickered at me. It was probably that whole "irony" thing.

If the early bird gets the worm, then what incentive do worms have to wake up early? Death?
If all meat tasted like chicken, how would we describe it?
"Try the snake, Bill, it tastes just"
I was seriously injured in a Chinese cooking accident the other day. The doctors told me that I might never be able to wok again. I just watched Top Gun again, and I didn't see a single roof-mounted weapon system in the whole movie. Lying punks.

I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because everyone just thinks it is one of those lame mime routines.

If I was a pirate, I would be that lazy pirate that stays below while all
the fighting is going on, then comes up and cheers with everyone when we win.
Oh, and I would wear a green hat that said
"World's #1 Pirate."

Yesterday I accidentally drank some "baby formula."
I hope I don't get pregnant.

I don't think robots are the best idea for servants at my secluded island mansion. Let's face it, if I had to resort to cannibalism, I would really be up the creek then!
If you can't say anything nice about someone, say nothing. Then creep up behind them with a baseball bat and really let em have it. Remember that guy on PBS that used to wear that bodysuit with all the organs
on it? I bet he really freaks people out when he wears that thing while
making fries at Burger King these days...
Whenever I meet someone new, I find a good way to break the ice is to drop to the ground and spasm, screaming "The Nipple Scorpions are back!"

I don't think I'll ever do it again at church, though.

If a lifetime of watching movies has taught me anything at all,
it's to MAKE SURE that a captured secret agent is dead BEFORE you walk away from your miscellaneous torture device.

That, and to always look behind you when you hear menacing violin music begin to play.

That "I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree" guy must not have listened to much gangsta rap.

 I tried to sell my soul to the Devil last weekend, but was outbid by Steve from Missouri.

Not only does my soul now belong to a corn farmer,
but I only made 18 cents on the deal.

I hate people who say "If I had a nickel for every time..."
True, you might be rich, but it would be a pain in the butt to haul around all those nickels. 
Blood is thicker than water, but it isn't as refreshing after a tough basketball practice. I'm going to make a movie where the bullets actually HIT the hero in the first gunfight.

Then I'll just laugh and tell everyone to get out of the theater.
Do you ever take a few seconds and think about technology? Take a telephone for instance. Every call we make travels across an unbroken wire at amazing speeds that almo...
Okay, I'm done thinking. Back to TV.

If MacGuyver was so smart, why the heck did he always get trapped in abandoned mine shafts in the first place?

I'm still waiting for a detailed explanation on just why
that candy-making Rancher is so Jolly.

I love the internet.
Where else could a word as short as "ok" be shortened to "k"
just to save a millisecond of time?

I sure am glad that it's called the "Y2k bug" and not the "Y2k Giant, Man-Eating crocodile." 


Only 3.97 years to train for the next Women's World Cup!

I guess I should factor in a week or two for that sex change operation if I want to qualify...
Wouldn't it be great if scientists discovered tomorrow that the saccharin in sugarless gum didn't cause cancer after all, but actually made you smarter? Sometimes I wish I had a jetpack just so I could write dirty limericks in the sky.

You know the warning sticker on vending machines that
shows the machine tipping over on some guy?
That must have been one heck of a surprise to the first guy to try it.
"Free Cheetos! Free Cheetos! Free Chee---<SPLAT>"

Some days I wonder if reality is just a computer-controlled mental image used to lull us into submission by a race of powerful computers that harness our bio-mechanical reactions for power like in The Matrix.

That still doesn't explain the existence of Richard Simmons, though,
so I guess I need a new theory.

If fingernails are made of calcium deposits, and calcium is good for me to eat, then why do strangers always object when I try to put their hands in my mouth?

If I drink 10 Slim Fast shakes a day, will I shrivel and disappear?
I hope that they make Die Hard 4 before Bruce Willis gets all old and
Now that the guy who played Ernest is dead, will they be releasing a new Ernest adventure movie?  

I'm thinking it could be titled  "Ernest annoys the hell out of Satan" or something.

Man, Gateway 2000 is sure going to feel stupid in a few months when their name is outdated...

They may call me weak.
They may call me scrawny.
I like to just think of myself as a "Gap Commercial Candidate"

Instead of watering their crops, do popcorn farmers go out and butter the plants every morning?

I hope I can be famous in my lifetime.
Then I hope that after my fame fades, I can host all those cool infomercials.

Here's a tip: Next time you do some international flying, leave don't bring
along extra sugar. And definitely don't bring it along in large, duct-taped
plastic bags.

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All fortunes are (c)1999-2002 by John Gephart IV Written permission is required for any re-publication