John's Fortune Cookies

(I was going to call this section "Ponderables" or "Thoughts" or something else really lame and over-used, then I decided not to. )

Ever just sit around thinking up funny little one liners?  Okay, maybe it's just me. 
Here's a few that I remembered to write down.  Enjoy! 

-= Guaranteed to be at LEAST 40% humorous! =-


Fortune Archives - pace yourself and save some for later...
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I love how computers make every task easier. For instance, while I USED to just waste 6 hours watching TV, I can now waste the equivalent of 18 hours on the internet in those
same six hours!
I bet that eating pasta really sucked until someone realized that you need to boil it first. Did you ever notice how whenever a big disaster occurs, movie stars line up to start charities for it? I bet I could get an easy million if I burned down my house and blamed it on the rainforest...

Do we really need to use fire drills to train people how to exit a
building when they see flames everywhere and mind-piercing sirens are going off?

Shouldn't we just let the stupid ones die
and thin out the herd a little?

I won my town's Chili cookoff last weekend.
My secret ingredient?
Pepper Spray Mace.

You know that song "These boots were made for walking?" Who wants to
date a girl that took a few months to figure that one out, anyway?

trudst me:
doint evEr usee yoiur conpuitwer as a jellok miold
If I ever become a movie critic at some tiny newspaper, I am going to print insanely nice reviews so that they'll print them in all the movie trailers.
Example: "Ka'Zamm 2 is incredible! Shaq's movie career has never been better! A slam dunk for the whole family!"
Why exactly do our ears produce wax?
It doesn't do anything. Has anyone ever really been saved from certain death by earwax?
I can't WAIT until I get my Cartoonist's degree. Then I can work for Disney and insert all kinds of lewd jokes into their movies.

With that new "Bats!" movie coming out,
it seems that Hollywood is almost out of evil animals to use in movies.
I'm still waiting for "Night of the Death Ferrets" though!

Sometimes I just sit back and think about
how funny the world would be without elbows.

You know how every elevator has a sign that says
"Do not use in case of fire?"
Next time you're in a hurry, just pull the fire alarm
and boom - all the elevators are free.

Alcohol? Must be 21.
Cigarettes? Must be 18.
Pork rinds? No age limit.

Isn't that scary?
This Halloween I am going to dress up as a scary ink monster.

Okay, so maybe I just washed my clothes before checking the pockets again.
Isn't gum a funny invention? You just chew it and spit it out.
So why is it that I'm always asked to leave whenever
I chew and remove my food at McDonalds?
You think WD40 is powerful? I tried some of the new WD50 yesterday.
I got some on my fingers and they slipped right off my hand.

Why is it that there aren't any cars that come with a microwave? You could substitute it for the glove box. Not only can you still keep gloves in it, but now you can warm them up!

I think living on the moon would be fun,
but it would sure suck everytime you missed catching a frisbee.

Sometimes I like to cry over spilled milk.
Later, after I soak it up with
paper towels and put it back in the bowl,
my cereal has this wonderful salty taste.

Busy people are always wishing they had 3 hands. Not me...I bet that mutant
hand would always be trying to kill me in some diabolical way.
Remember that guy on PBS that used to wear that bodysuit with all the organs
on it? I bet he really freaks people out when he wears that thing while
making fries at Burger King these days...
If I ever get rich enough to build a tower, I am going to label all the floors backwards, starting with the lobby as floor 99. That'll really mess
with peoples' heads!
If there is one thing I've learned, it is this: When the cops come to your door, make sure you're not wearing just an undershirt.
It's like a free ticket to jail.

Whenever I play Monopoly with friends, I always keep a large bucket of water
handy. Then I warn to them that it's typhoon season, and whoever owns
Boardwalk is in for some trouble.

If I ever got trapped as a genie and some smartass tried to "wish for 100
more wishes," I would probably just turn him into a duck or something and
say I misheard him. It's tough to argue when all you can say is "Quack."

Last week a stranger told me that "the pen is mightier than the sword," so I
challenged him to prove it. I cut him up pretty badly, but he was right:
that permanent ink is tough to get off.

For those who don't already know, "Pokemon" means "Pocket-Monsters." I'm
just glad they didn't name them SpleeMon, because you can't carry many
trading cards in a human spleen.
Sometimes I think it would be really cool if we could just lick our wounds clean like dogs. But then I think about how silly those neck cones would look on my dad. If I had 4 arms, I could probably do a kick-ass juggling routine. But I'm not too keen on that whole "practice" thing, so I'd probably just use those extra arms to scratch myself and hold more snacks. Why is it that terrorists always have such boring demands? I'd ask for 10,000 pizzas, just to see if they could do it.

I hope that no one assassinates Ron Popeil before he can invent the Self Clone-o-matic 3000. I bet we'd even get a free pet grooming gadget free with every order...

I think it's funny that honey is really just bee vomit. Eat up, kids!

With all of the flavors to choose from these days, I completely forgot what "regular" dental floss tastes like.

ATTENTION: My sincere apologies to anyone who woke up this morning to a festering head wound created by a new class of intelligent super-ants.
Last time I was at a convention, I broke up a few free software cds into pieces and made a sign that said "Free - Take One." Over a dozen people did. If Microsoft has enough clout to get their own Windows Key on every new keyboard, isn't it about time for them to condense CTRL, ALT, and DELETE into one easy key? Okay, fess up: Which one of you is buying 20,000 John Tesh cds? Stop encouraging him!

bet it sucks to be a young Flying Squirrel. I mean, you'd get your hopes up for a long time, just to find out that all you can really do is just glide.

If I ever became a well-known scientist, I think a really funny April Fools joke would be to announce that eating dog feces was really good for you.

I sure am glad my name isn't "John Accident," because I'm sure my recent incident with that power saw would have made national papers...

Did you ever notice how no one on Star Trek every goes to the bathroom? I want to see the invention they keep under those Lycra outfits.

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All fortunes are (c)1999-2002 by John Gephart IV Written permission is required for any re-publication