Ever just sit around thinking up funny little one liners?
Okay, maybe it's just me.
Here's a few that I remembered to write down. Enjoy!
-= Guaranteed to be at LEAST 40% humorous! =-
Fortune Archives - pace yourself and save some for later...
Main Batch #1 Batch #2 Batch #3 Batch #4 Batch #5
|Ever notice how Ricky Martin's jaw is always open? It must be amusing to watch him eat.||I bet you don't want to piss off a grizzly bear on his birthday. Because man, he's a grizzly bear. Thos things can be vicious.||Take my advice: If the recipe calls for "3 handfuls of lava," it's really not worth the effort.|
I wish my car was more like KITT.
Not for the crimefighting abilities, mind you, I'm just really lazy.
I invented a revolutionary line of edible silverware, but you need to use more silverware to eat it, so it's really counterproductive.
When people ask me what famous inventors I admire most, I usually say Thomas Edison, James Watt, and Norm MacDonald. I mean c'mon, every story sounds better with "Crack whore" sprinkled in. Thanks Norm.
I'm not very impressed by all those daredevil shows on TV. All of those wimps use "ramps."
|We may enjoy the peppermint flavor these days, but the original candy cane was no laughing matter...that prank left my great-grandfather with a fractured hip.||I'm really proud of my cousin. After decades of being illiterate, he's now Hooked On Phonics, except substitute "Phonics" with "Crystal Meth."||I got my hands on some vintage Formula 408 at a swap meet last weekend. That stuff ate a hole right through my kitchen table.|
Hey, remember that guy who spent 33 years living in a tree to get the
World Record so that he'd always be remembered? Me neither.
Am I the only one who thinks buying Nasdaq stock is ironic?
Mom always said "You are what you eat."
Dad told me "You can be anything you want if you set your mind to it."
So I ate a pony.
I'm glad that email "spam" isn't really gelatinous meat, because I
simply don't have that kind of shelf space.
|No matter our race, color, or religion, we all face the same dilemmas in life. Like when we step in a wet spot while wearing socks and debate whether to just let it air dry.||One time I fed a cow a burger. Don't worry, it was only made of squirrel.||Sometimes I wish I was a cartoon superhero. Not for the whole "super powers" thing though, but mainly because they never have to work or go to the bathroom.|
If you order just fries, will they still ask if you "want fries with that?"
I always thought saying "What crawled up your butt and died" was funny,
until the day I met a man with a story about a weasel...
I was fed up with waiting for data access, so last weekend I installed
Cruise Control to my disk drive.
Instead of showering this morning, I climbed into my
oven and set it on "self cleaning mode." Big mistake.
|Why do they call it an "Egg timer?" Is that the only thing people cooked back then?||They may call it "Ant and Roach Killer," but it also does quite a number on birds if you spray them long enough.||If an cold item never has time to thaw, is it still being RE-frigerated?|
I call it "No-Pants Wonderday," but it turns out the police just call it
"Thursday." Go figure.
If there are no weight limits in hockey, why aren't there
more 900-pound goalies?
Sometimes I wonder if points in Cricket are just assigned arbitrarily to
I'm glad that someone got lollipops correct when they were invented,
because candy sticks and paper tops would be really annoying.
|If life is really a highway, I bet I'd be considered one of those lazy maintenance workers that always is leaning on something.||Here's a fun fAct fOR everyeveryone:
It: onli tAKEES crAck FIvE
sEcseconds tO GEt Tto: YoOUr BrAinain.
|I wish I owned more stunt furniture. The real stuff
is so hard to break|
when you're angry.
I just patented a way to replace human blood with pasta sauce. The
downside so far is that it only works for a minute or so, but that's a
problem for that "We don't make the car bumper, we make it stronger"
company to worry about.
I bet it would be a lot easier to tell if someone was "framed for
murder" if the person was really encased in a decorative wooden
I bet when they finally create a reliable robot automobile driver, the
next thing scientists will do is to create some sort of robotic cell
phone to distract it.
Whose bright idea was it to name it a "Fish Stick?" No offense, but the
last thing I'm thinking of when I'm hungry is "Mmm, where can I get
something tasty named after part of a tree?"
|What's the deal with Cinco De Mayo? It sounds like the Mexican founders so lazy that they couldn't come up with a title for their event and just decided to use the date instead...||We've got E-mail, E-Business, E-Trade. At least they make sense. What exactly is an EBay supposed to refer to, a giant body of water containing everyone's worthless garage sale junk?||Sometimes I just stare into the sun, marveling at
its powers and gentle grace that warms the Earth and allows for life
Then I stop and think "Good God, I've blinded myself again!"
I can't believe it is already the year 2000 and the scientists have yet
to create a pair of slippers that makes homemade doughnuts.
When I buy a new car in a year or two, I hope I can get one in "clear."
It certainly would make my habit of driving naked a lot more interesting.
Last week at the zoo I jumped over the fence into the Buffalo Pit. I was saddened to learn that not only did they not have small, tasty wings, but that they aren't even naturally spicy! What a rip off...
I bet I could sell carbonated urine if I gave it a cool name and a catchy jingle.
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