The Art of Advertising

Do you know what you're doing right now? You're reading. And why are you reading? Because there are words here.

In the business world, we call this "advertising." Would you like to learn how to advertise?

Of course you would. Now give me a dollar.

See how you just handed over a dollar? That's because of advertising. That, and the powder I placed in your drink while you were in the rest room. And that leads me to the secret to great advertising: Always drink while you're going to the rest room.

You shouldn't stop there though. Oh no, stopping there would be a mistake. Like the indians made when trading Louisiana for some beads and several fine chocolate replicas of genitalia. But that's not advertising, that's the Louisiana Purchase, and if you wanted to learn about algebra you would kill your own monkeys and sell them to prisoners.

As everyone knows, you can't trust a prisoner. It's well documented how often they sell their monkey meat on the black market to large corporate eateries. Eateries like the one you're in right now, reading my advertising.

So don't get fooled like a common bristle brush that conned out of his shoes. Always take your stew to the rest room as well. It's also a good idea to use your other hand to carry the stew, lest you still your beverage. And don't try to just kick the rest room door open when you get there since the hinges are clearly facing outward. Balance your drink on your head and open the door with your free hand. See? Now you're halfway there to advertising like a real pro.

But halfway is a long way when you're up the wrong way to the highway. It's like trying to eat a biscuit with no mouth: all you end up with is crumbs. Filthy, dirty crumbs.

So what have we learned today? Let's recap.

1. Always give me a dollar when I ask for it.
2. Only trade Lousinana for alcohol. Or a magic pony. (Later, you sell the pony meat to prisoners)
3. Only people with working mouth holes should attempt to eat muffins.