Elvis is dead.

I know it is going to come as a shock to some people, but Elvis is dead. So you crazy "some people" should accept that and get on with your life.


How do I know Elvis is dead? Because I can apply the Scientific Method. Now I bet you're wondering about the specifics of the Scientific Method, and how it can be used to prove things based on the facts at hand. You're curious and want to learn more, right?


Well you're out of luck, pal. I'm not allowed to give details on what it is or how it works. I had to promise Socrates and Aristotle and do a secret handshake and then cut off the upper joint of my pinkie finger just like a member of the Yakuza, who are also known as the Asian mafia. I bet they are actually the Japanese mafia, but I forget exactly, so I don't want to mislead you. Just blame Hollywood for not teaching me more about the factual history of the Yakuza, instead relying on using them as bit parts and evil characters in a lot of movies about the future. Blade Runner, Highlander, etc.


But back to the Scientific Method. I have prepared several key points to back up my statement that Elvis is worm meat. Actually, he is probably not worm meat, since he probably asked to be buried in a blue suede suit made of a suede and titanium blend for durability. It's durability that keeps the worms out, as we all know.


So anyway, Elvis is dead, and I know why. First off, he was really old. Odds are that most people that are reading this are younger than me, and I'm only 22. But maybe you're older, like 27 or so. I bet you miss college, don't you? I know I sure will when I am 27. Unless I am rich like Elvis was or become a higher-up member of a certain foreign mafia. The point here is that you are probably too young to even remember Elvis, other than references to him in jokes and watching episodes of Sally Jesse Rafael about crazy people who claim to have seen Elvis at a truckstop in Nebraska. If Elvis was really alive, he'd be like 90, but that's just a rough estimate. I'm no historian.


So we got the worm suit and the age factor, right? Now we have to talk about the diet. Remember when the United States Postal Service (you young folks know them as the USPS, which is the hipper, cooler acronym version) took a big vote on what version of Elvis to put on a stamp? I voted for fat, bloated Elvis, because he looked funny and it would be humorous to send a big obese guy along with my electric bill. That is, of course, if I had to pay electric bills, which I don’t yet, because I am not 27 and/or a member of the Yakuza. And as we all know, the Yakuza don't EVER pay for electricity. If you go to a Yakuza guy's apartment to collect on an electric bill, you'll wind up getting your head cut off or something. They use swords.  So don't do it.


Elvis was not exactly known for his healthy eating habits. Legend has it that he demanded that a list of forty foods be on hand at all times. Personally, I would rather have the foods available than just have a list of them. And I wouldn't want them all to be on peoples' hands. That's unsanitary. But not as unsanitary as carrying around the upper part of your cut-off pinkie finger for luck. Elvis wouldn't do that. But he would eat stuff like deep-fried peanut butter pork fat wrapped in cheese. And Twinkies. He loved Twinkies. There are so many preservatives in those things that he barely needed to wear that suede and titanium death suit. But he wore one anyway.


As you can see, I have painstakingly applied the Scientific Method to the case of Elvis being alive, and the result is that he is very, very dead. The evidence is just too rock solid to believe otherwise. Socrates would be proud. The Yakuza would be proud too, since they hate Elvis. They hate him even more than paying for electricity.


And that's a fact.


John Gephart IV
September 1, 2000







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The Scientific Method
(mysterious cloud version)


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The Yakuza



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Dennis Rodman
(a.k.a. "The Worm")


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A Historian



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Elvis Stamp
(skinny version)


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Electric Bill

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